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Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way about my girlfriend?

#1BendoHendoPosted 11/19/2012 11:18:05 AM
I am LDS (Latter-Day Saint / Mormon) and my girlfriend is as well. Everything between us is pretty much perfect.

However, one day she revealed to me that as a teen, she got mixed up with an abusive, manipulative boyfriend and ended up having pre-marital sex. This boyfriend at one point even raped her. But she did have consensual sex as well.

In my religion, staying a virgin until marriage is of the utmost importance.

It is really heart breaking to hear that she lost her virginity before marriage and that she was touched in a way that only husbands should (according to our religion).

I know that everybody makes mistakes and that none of us are perfect. She has told me that she has repented.

I know the Christ-like thing to do would be to love her despite this.

But I can't shake this funny feeling because I do love her so much and it was so important to me to lose my virginity together with a future wife. To save it until marriage. It feels devastated to know that she has been violated like this.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I talk to her about it? I know she probably already feels like crap about it and I don't want her to feel worse than she already does.

#2JonWood007Posted 11/19/2012 11:23:03 AM
I'd say so.

Let me put it this way. By the time you're in college, I doubt the majority of women are virgins. I used to be religious and I used to be uncomfortable with the idea of dating someone who was not a virgin (even as an atheist I still would probably prefer one), but in today's day and age, it's really not realistic at all to expect people to be virgins (especially for someone like me in their 20s). If they're clean (STD free), go for it, and don't judge. I seriously doubt most people actually uphold the whole virginity thing, even within religions, people are people. People have urges. People are going to do it.
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#3kozlo100Posted 11/19/2012 11:42:04 AM
I'm don't think that consensual sex is even possible in the context of a teen in an abusive relationship, particularly one where rape was involved. You probably need to do some thinking about how that idea sits with you, and what it means for your relationship.

Yes, you should talk to her about it. If you're going to get married there shouldn't be anything you can't talk about. You should probably also encourage her to get some counseling about the rape if she hasn't already. You definitely need to figure out if this is going to be a deal breaker for you, and tell her as soon as possible if it is.
The problem, then, is that if subjective worlds are experienced too differently, there occurs a breakdown in communication. -- Philip K. Dick
#4fuzzypickles12Posted 11/19/2012 12:00:26 PM
As a fellow LDS member, I can understand why it might be difficult at first. But if she has truly repented, there is no difference between her and any other girl who didn't have those same problems. I know a girl (also LDS) who wasn't a very active church member, got pregnant as a teenager, and eventually gave the baby up for adoption. Since then she has turned her life around and is a fantastic girl. Last I heard from her parents, she has a great boyfriend (also LDS), and they will probably get married soon.

I like to look at it from the other way, too. As you probably know, pornography is rampant among young men, including LDS members. Most of them at some point repent of it and move on. Think of all the girls who marry them without worry about what they may have done in the past, and how they maintain successful and happy marriages. I think girls should be treated with just as much respect for their repentance.

Maybe this is getting cheesy, but it also reminded me of the movie Charly (the one based on Jack Weyland's book, aimed at LDS audiences), which contains pretty much the same scenario you described. The message was basically to not let those past actions define a person. As you said, we all make mistakes, and some people just happen to make bigger mistakes than others. Marriage isn't a time to expect any kind of perfection from your spouse.
#5Hustle KongPosted 11/19/2012 12:05:15 PM(edited)
You can't control how you feel. Don't worry so much about your feelings being reasonable or fair. What you can control are your actions. Let reason and compassion guide you there.
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#6Lord_IchmaelPosted 11/19/2012 12:49:44 PM
I've read statistics that 99% of people who don't take abstinence vows have premarital sex, compared to 88% of people who DO take abstinence vows. I think it's unreasonable to hold it against her.
#7TheRealJiraiyaPosted 11/19/2012 1:01:42 PM
I get where youre coming from to a degree, as a religious man myself, but it sounds like this guy put your girlfriend through Hell. Maybe it would be better of you to be the better man, put it behind you, and not be part of the ongoing punishment this girl has to suffer through for her victimization.
"If a man does not know to what port he is sailing, no wind is favorable" -Seneca
#8ElderMisanthropyPosted 11/19/2012 1:21:18 PM
BendoHendo posted...

This is my sister. She's a legit 10/10 (no incest). If you disagree, you're just mad and jelly coz you don't have a 10/10 twin sister.

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#9ThuggernautzPosted 11/19/2012 1:22:32 PM
Well, this got awkward.
#10TheRealJiraiyaPosted 11/19/2012 1:26:48 PM
ElderMisanthropy posted...
BendoHendo posted...

This is my sister. She's a legit 10/10 (no incest). If you disagree, you're just mad and jelly coz you don't have a 10/10 twin sister.

What is this from?
"If a man does not know to what port he is sailing, no wind is favorable" -Seneca