Aa'rhenn the Seeker.

#1AppleJeZusPosted 1/19/2013 12:50:33 AM
So I am going to write my first Skyrim fanfic, the first "chapter" will be a back in theory. Well here it goes:

When Aa'rhenn was a boy living in the Sun-Ray Temple, his parents were murdered, whether it be from an outsider or not, they were gone. The Sun Elves tend to use magic and peaceful reasonings rather than fighting but when Aa'rhenn saw the lifeless bodies of his parents, a darkness grew within him. The exodus of the Light Elves had moved some of the Sun Elves to Tamriel, and soon he himself was forced to join them after the Elders deemed him "incurable" of the darkness.

He settled in Black Marsh, living by himself as all other "pure" elves turned their backs on him. His only friend, an Imperial boy named Mauk, took him in with the approval of his family. Together they trained in combat and went to a study hall. Aa'rhenn glanced out the window, seeing this... This shiny blue skin, with long pink hair falling down the girl's back. For months he watched from afar, building up the courage to talk to her. Eventually he did in fact talk to her and learned her name which was Sorii'ana. Quickly, they became interested in each other. Nine years had passed and their Love had blossomed. One might say they were attached at the hip. Strange, considering he was a Sun Elf and she was a Siren.

One day, Mauk got into a brawl across the city, 13 men, all against him. The word spread throughout the town and Aa'rhenn quickly ran to his aid but when he arrived.. His best friend was gone. Aa'rhenn grew into a deep depression, shutting himself away from all but the girl. The Red Mountain had begun to erupt and her family offered a deal that Aa'rhenn couldn't refuse. They would let him come with them so long as he kept Sorii'ana safe. Little was known about the path to Skyrim they were taking and it could be dangerous.

Weeks had passed as the group traveled, they decided to set up camp and call it a night, routine. Around 1AM, a loud scream awoke the family, Aa'rhenn popped up and looked around frantically, bandits, there had to have been at least 30 of them. He ran, searching for his Love. Finally he spotted her and rushed the bandits that had a hold of her. He tackled one to the ground, quickly disarming him. No one was a match for him in hand to hand combat. He took out the other one, grabbing the bow and arrows on his back and took Sorii'ana by the hand, quickly running her to safety. He had no clue where they were, it was dark, ashes rained from the sky from the eruption miles and miles away. He just cornered the two. Their backs were to a cliff. Sorii'ana was sobbing and Aa'rhenn would be too if he didn't have to defend the girl. Then, out from the bushes, came 10 bandits. They slowly stepped towards the two Lovers who were holding each other, Aa'rhenn stepped in front of her and clenched his hands to a fist. But Sorii'ana jumped on his back, her hands began to glow a neon blue and Aa'rhenn's chest did as well. She whispered in his ear, "I Love You..." And in a split second, a giant light flashed.

It was cold, Aa'rhenn woke up to a snow covered ground, seemingly everywhere except around him. The setting as similar, the edge of a cliff, tall grass, only.. It was snowing, there was no sign of ash or anyone else. He traveled through the grass and came across a path, he looked at his body and saw two hand prints, scarred there. Eventually he approached some travelers and stopped them.

"Excuse me," He said, "where uh.. Where am I?"

"Oh hahaha you're in Skyrim, thought you were going to mug me or somethin'! Hahaha!"

"Skyrim? Where is all the ash? Bandits?"

"Bandits are everywhere but ash? What are you talking about, lad?"

"Red Mountain, where is all the Ash?!"

"Ha! Red Mountain has been gone for centuries, boy!"
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#2ToxicatePosted 1/19/2013 1:14:07 AM
Did you want this to be critiqued? Or just enjoyed with suggestions for future chapters.
#3AppleJeZus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/19/2013 1:16:23 AM
Toxicate posted...
Did you want this to be critiqued? Or just enjoyed with suggestions for future chapters.


I would prefer suggestions for future chapters but if you feel like something can only be said in a certain manner, shoot. Obvious I want this to be for the reader and aim to apply the best experience possible
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#4ToxicatePosted 1/19/2013 3:19:54 AM
I'm just going to comment as I read it, so it may get ramble-y~ sorry.

So the first few paragraphs are pretty big infodumps. I know it's tempting to give readers all the amazing background story you thought up of for the protagonist, but placing it all at the introduction is rather daunting and somewhat stale. A reader doesn't need to know everything at the beginning, but enough to be interested in continuing after the first chapter, or even the first few pages.

Another thing I noticed is something pretty much all writers have likely heard. Show, don't tell. You tell the reader everything in these starting paragraphs. You tell us Aa'rhenn once lived in Sun-Ray Temple, and you tell us his parents were murdered, et cetera. It is far more fascinating to show his life at the temple. What were his duties? Chores? How were his parents murdered? Was he present then? So much more can be conveyed if you showed what had actually occurred, instead of giving us the sparknotes version by telling us.

The timeline was a bit jarring for me, even before the (multiple?) time jumps happened. This confused me because of how fast things progressed. Nine years pass in one sentence right after Aa'rhenn and Sorii'ana start seeing each other. Okay, but then:

AppleJeZus posted...
... No one was a match for him in hand to hand combat. He took out the other one, grabbing the bow and arrows...But Sorii'ana jumped on his back, her hands began to glow a neon blue and Aa'rhenn's chest did as well. She whispered in his ear, "I Love You..." And in a split second, a giant light flashed.


While there's nothing wrong with gifted people, I do think this returns to a case of showing, not telling, because I feel he's become far too powerful a character in a few paragraphs, not to mention I still have this idea of some young boy. I'm not sure how good he is, but 30 bandits would probably bend everyone over, let alone one boy. I imagined him really young at the start, like 10 years old. Even after nine years he's still just a teenager. You may want to consider giving a more definitive age and timeline. If he had been a seasoned vet, I'd still question it, but I'd be more willing to believe certain actions.

Somewhat the same thing with love, I think it came too sudden without enough foreshadowing to it. They met maybe one paragraph ago, and were already declaring love, young love no less. I'd really enjoy seeing their love blossom, and felt a little cheated out of it. Much of this would be amazing if you were to elaborate all of these events over multiple chapters.

AppleJeZus posted...
"Excuse me," He said, "where uh.. Where am I?"


The "He" should be undercased, unless that's his name, or it's referencing something like a god. It can either be written like:

"Excuse me," he said, "where uh... where am I?"

or

"Excuse me," Aa'rhenn said, "where uh... where am i?"

I'd recommend the latter, because there is no indication who is speaking otherwise. The "he" could well be the other guy, unless you had written the dialogue at the end of the previous paragraph which then implies it's Aa'rhenn because of the beat.

Story-wise, the only suggestion I can think of is to avoid explaining time travel too much. I'd err on the side of wonder over logic.
#5AppleJeZus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/19/2013 10:31:38 AM(edited)
Toxicate posted...
I'm just going to comment as I read it, so it may get ramble-y~ sorry.


I totally see what you mean about most of it, unfortunately I have already written chapter two (while at school yesterday) so I didn't get a chance to read this. I think it may have felt like that because I was writing it for the topic "What is your current character's backstory?" so I was just trying to tell the back story.

Also, I plan on going back to a lot of the events that took place in the future so you do find out how his parents were murdered, and you do get to see the Love blossom between the two. Yes I imagined him to be around 19 as well and I understand that you think he would be overwhelmed but you have to remember that It isn't like 30 men are all going to dog pile him and just let Sorii'ana run away if that is who they were trying to grab before, so I was just trying to elaborate on his skill but I know I know, show. Not tell :P

Thank you for the criticism, I will take it into consideration with the 3rd chapter! :D
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#6AppleJeZus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/19/2013 10:25:01 AM
Chapter II

The news that Aa'rhenn had just received was... shocking to say the least.
"Excuse me?! That's not possible, I was there a few weeks ago!"
"Well unless you can travel through time, I don't see how you we-"
Before the man could finish his sentence the Sun Elf Exile was gone. He walked back to the cliff, looking at the area cleared of snow, appearing as if a blast had occurred that melted and flung the snow from the area. He peaked down at his chest again, his shirt was seared open, and the hand prints on his chest were there. Scarred. He placed his hand on the scarring and fell to his knees. Tears developed at the corners of his eyes, then rolled down his face. He put his forehead to the floor and began to weep. Laying on his side, he curled into a ball and continued to sob. The snow fell to his body but evaporated quickly. Steam raised from his body, he struck the ground with his fist and stood up. He looked around him and the only thing in the distance was a set of two towers with several silhouettes walking on the bridge that connected them. He crept closer to the edge of the cliff and peered down. The fall would kill him indefinitely, so he backed away and walked through the grass and towards the towers.
"Want to get passed here? Gonna have to pay the fee. 50 gold to get by."
"Fifty gold? I don't have fifty gold.."
"Well then you can't cross the path!"
The lady walked up to him, drawing her sword and poking it at his shirt.
"Run in with a mage?"
"No. Can I just cross?"
"Nuh uh uhhh..." she placed her blade on Aa'rhenn's throat, "you gotta pay the fee."
"I already told you I have no coin."
"Then..." she pulled her sword back over her head, "attack!!!"
Her sword came down toward Aa'rhenn but he quickly strafed out of the way, grabbing her wrist and striking her elbow joint with the tip of his elbow, snapping her arm. She screamed viciously and a man in heavy steel armor ran out from the tower. Aa'rhenn grabbed the woman's sword and slashed her knees causing her to fall to the ground in agony. He then readied the blade at the man and let his breath out through his nose. The man also readied his blade and the stare down began. Aa'rhenn slowly stepped back, trying to show that he wanted no fight but the girl who was on the ground grabbed his ankle giving the man opportunity for attack. He charged with his blade pointing for Aa'rhenn's chest but Aa'rhenn parried his sword and hit the guy in the back with the flat end of his sword. Then swung down and lopped the girl's hand off at the wrist causing her screams to travel throughout the area, he them placed the blade to her throat and silenced the girl. The man swung his blade and missed, Aa'rhenn dropped his and waited. The guy swung again and Aa'rhenn ducked, stepped forward and stood upright again, using his forearms to strike the shoulders of the man and kneed him in the groin which was left unarmoured. The man went down and Aa'rhenn grabbed his blade and the one on the ground, and tossed them to the river. The man slowly got up and readied his fists but was quickly dispatched again by the skillful exile.
Aa'rhenn looked up at the tower, stepped inside and followed the series of stairs and passed the bridge that led to the other tower. His path led to a platform at the top of the first tower where a man was snoring, in front of him was a bow. Aa'rhenn slowly stepped towards the man and reached for the weapon, just before he grabbed it, the man woke up, grabbing Aa'rhenn's arm and armed his dagger but Aa'rhenn's elbow struck him in the temple, rendering him unconscious. He grabbed the bow and spotted a set of arrows by the stairs, grabbed them and then stepped down the stairs.

continued
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#7AppleJeZus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/19/2013 10:27:22 AM
Chapter II Continued

"What do you think you're doing?" Said a man who limbered forward with ever step, his heavy steel army clanking against the ground, a beard that went to his chest, and an axe in his hands. "First you kill my guards, then you take my s***? That's not polite..." Aa'rhenn was silent. The man laughed and stepped closer to him. "How about you hand that over?"
Aa'rhenn placed the bow on his back and looked at the guy, "No.."
"Man of a few words I see... how about we make a deal, you give me my s*** and I don't kill you."
"... fine.." Aa'rhenn agreed and handed the bow over, then headed to the door. As he cracked it open, he noticed the leg of another man, so he stopped and took a breath, then opened it all the way, the man swung a hammer down and struck Aa'rhenn in the chest. He fell the the floor and the man stood over him, smiled, and kicked him in the head, knocking him out of all consciousness.
Aa'rhenn's eyes slowly peeled open, his hands firmly tied behind his back, he blinked heavily a few times and took a deep breath, the pain in his head was that of a horse smacking into his temple. It took a minute to realize that he was hanging upside down, but the blood rushing to his head made it very clear. Aa'rhenn began to breath heavily, looking around at the nearly empty room, the only thing there was a fire pit equipped with hot coals and a fire poker. Two men walked in, one of them being the guy who knocked him out but the other was a completely new guy.
"Oh he's up now, get the coals. Hahahaha." Exclaimed the new guy.
"Just wait until the boss comes and sees ya, you'll be for a treeeeat Hahahahaha!"
Just then, the door swung open and in came the man with the long beard. He circled Aa'rhenn, poking him in various places, then he reached for the fire poker. The room began to fill with smoke as the door was shut, making it both hard to breath and nearly impossible to see.
"My name is Ralichai Stone-Hand. You have f***ed with the wrong group.." as he finished his statement, he brought his fist back and swung it forward, smashing it into the back of Aa'rhenn.
Aa'rhenn clenched his fists in agony, swinging on the rope. Ralichai stopped him from swaying and took the fire poker, which was orange at the tip from the heat of the fire, and touched it to Aa'rhenn's bicep. Aa'rhenn squirmed at the intense burning sensation, breathing heavier but still. No sound from his mouth.
"Where are you fro-" the swaying of the rope proved to be too much for it to handle causing it to snap from the strain and interrupt Ralichai mid sentence. Aa'rhenn fell to the stone floor, landing on his back. He looked around but the smoke was just as much of an obstacle as the bandits. He stayed low to the floor but crept around, he could only see the shadows of the men when they were close.
"Where is he?!" Ralichai yelled.
"I don't know boss!" Said the two bandits.
Aa'rhenn reached the door, opening it and running out quickly but the bandits heard the door and the three were immediately behind him. Ralichai slowed down and followed at a walking pace leaving the two bandits to follow Aa'rhenn.
Aa'rhenn reached the outside, seeing the two lifeless bodies of the first bandits, he rushed for the river, trenching through it, the bandits just on his tail. Just when they reached him he grabbed a sword from the bottom and swung it while turning around, slicing one of the two's throats, the body slowly drifted down the river. The other readied his blade and slashed at Aa'rhenn who raised his to block the threat. He slowed his breathing in an attempt to relax, but the bandit lunged forcing Aa'rhenn to dodge to the side, he then jabbed with his blade, stabbing the bandit at his side, sticking the blade in width wise through the man.

Continued
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#8AppleJeZus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/19/2013 10:28:36 AM
Chapter II Continued

He released the blade from his grasp and watched as the blood formed a slight pink shade in the foam of the water. He dropped to his knees and caught his breath, looking down at the water. A pool of water collected and the pink shade remained untouched due to a rock formation in the water. He blinked. When his eyes reopened, his stomach dropped, the water formed in a way that resembled Sorii'ana's face. He gasped.
"S-Sweetheart? W-what happened?" He stumbled to say his words, "You just left me. Why?.." His leg twitched for a second, causing him to fumble in the water, disrupting the image.
Before it dispersed entirely, the lips moved and in her voice, seemed to speak, "He knows..... Ralichai knows...." But with the image, her voice faded. Aa'rhenn tried to catch the water in his hands but it flowed around his fingers.
"No... No! Sorii-"
"Hahaha pathetic..." The voice of Ralichai filled the air. Aa'rhenn looked up. With rage on his face and darkness in his heart, he hopped up and sprinted toward the disturbing bandit who was not expecting young man to charge. Aa'rhenn tackled him to the ground and yanked his helmet off, when Ralichai tried to push Aa'rhenn grabbed his arms and snapped them at the elbows, then pulled them out of the sockets as hard as he could. He kneeled over his chest with one knee up and one hand holding Ralichai's hair. With each breath he raised his hand just to slam it back down again, smashing it into his face. Over and over again. Ralichai flailed his legs and moved what he could of his arms, but Aa'rhenn got up and slowly circled Ralichai.
"Please! Please no! Let me go! You've done your worst!" The blood from his battered face rushed down the hill into the river.
"My worst?! You think this is my WORST?!" Aa'rhenn ran to Ralichai's legs and kicked the side of his knee, cracking it inward. Ralichai screamed in pain and held his knee, "I'll show you my f***ing worst!" Aa'rhenn kneeled back over his chest and brought his fists down as hard as he could again and again and again. He stopped when his fist started to ache from the opened flesh of Ralichai's face. Aa'rhenn stood up and looked down, seeing a lifeless body of a brutal man who attempted to murder him. Seeing a pulpy face of a murderer. As the sun began to set, he kicked the body into the river, wrapped his fist with torn clothing and slowly stepped away..

END Chapter II
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#9AppleJeZus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/19/2013 12:57:41 PM
bump
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#10AppleJeZus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/20/2013 1:47:29 AM
That bad huh? :/
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