FF13-2 script: Rewriten *spoilers*

#1GlitchySkyrimPosted 6/11/2012 7:16:41 AM
*Lightning is strutting her stuff in steel armor and a long feather dress, chilling in Valhalla while riding the Shiva motorcycle that she jacked from Snow*

Purple Man: Oh my gosh, it's Lightning!
Lightning: 'Sup? Need an autograph!
Purple Man: Yesssss! I looooved your game! You're so sexyyyy! *takes out autograph book*
Lightning: Sorry... I don't autograph for Kain cosplayers. Stupid Kain and his stupid Jump spam in Duodecim... *walks off*
Purple Man: No!!! I've been waiting to get your autograph since I saw you in the first FF13 trailer! You were so beautiful!
Lightning: You mean the one that was made before SE even started development on the game? That chick wasn't even me, she was just Cloud wearing a Psicom uniform.
Purple Man: Oh... that explains why your character design suddenly changed halfway through develpment...
Lightning: Anyways, see ya' later cosplayer-dude. I'm gonna' Provoke some guy at Etro's rave party and cast Ruin on him while he uses Water on me. See ya'

*Lightning rides off*

Purple Man: Grr... How dare she insult Caius, the ultimate cosplayer! No weaboo is as magnificent as I! I shall have my revenge, valkyrie girl, just you wait!
Noel: Hey, Caius, did you get Lightning's autograph? I just went over to Serah's house and spent the night. She has a very sturdy table.
Caius: Damn you and your stupid love for anorexid girls! The last one you dated died of starvation because you wouldn't let her eat her birthday cake! If you love Serah so much, why don't you just go on an adventure with her or something?
Noel: That's a great idea! :D
Caius: Argh!!!

*Caius pimpslaps Noel into a portal*

*Noel wakes up in a mysterious dark room*

Serah: Hey baby ;)
Noel: WTF how did I get here?
Serah: Well, this mirror just randomly appeared in my bedroom and you popped out unconscious. I didn't have anywhere to put you so I just laid you down on my bed and slept on top of you.
Noel: Did we do anything?
Serah: No, of course not! You know I'm only into women!
Noel: That's not what Lightning told me.
Serah: She's a conservative. I had to hide my love for women from her. Did you see how hard she slapped Fang in FF13 when she found out Fang and Vanille were lesbians?
Noel: But then... last night...
Serah: You're the closest thing to a woman I can get. If Lightning sees that I'm sleeping with another woman when she gets back from her rave party then she'll kick me out of the house.
Noel: Aren't you old enough to make a living?
Serah: Please! I'm an elementary school teacher. We don't get paid gil!
Noel: Oh, right... what about Snow?
Serah: I just dated him because he's old money. Lightning jacked his motorcycle and punched him so hard he was blasted out of the space-time-continuum.
Noel: Sounds legit.

*suddenly, a random crystal pops out of the mirror*

Noel: OH MY GOSH IT'S AN ARTEFACT!!!
Serah: Artifact
Noel: Artefact
Serah: Artifact
Noel: Artefact
Serah: Do you not have an education system in the future or something?
Noel: Everyone from my time is dead except for me, this purple Kain cosplayer dude, and a hot anorexic chick with a really bad limp.
Serah: What happens to everybody else?
Noel: You kill them with a moogle.

*Serah is quiet*

Noel: Anyways, this artefact lets us time-travel.
Serah: Sounds awesome! Let's try it out!

*Noel and Serah walk out of the house to test out the artifact. However, they are greeted with the image of a hundred extraterrestrial monsters invading New Bodhum and mercilessly slaughtering the local populace. Blood is sprayed across the sand*

Text Box: Battle Tutorial! Spam the X button to win!
Serah: Man, this is pretty hard.
Noel: Tell me about it

*After spamming the X button two hundred times, Serah defeats the monsters*
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Sorry, I tried to post pics but a pic is worth a thousand words. That exceeds the GameFAQs character limit.
#2FireMage7777Posted 6/11/2012 7:30:43 AM
TC...I LOVE YOU!!!
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Darkness of a thousand souls!!! Oh, undead serpent who slew a thousand in a single night; open thy jaw and consume mine enemies!!!!!
#3MasterViVi2Posted 6/11/2012 8:13:39 AM
This was actually not terrible
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FF super bosses beat/starting
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 10-2 12 13/2
#4legolas95Posted 6/11/2012 8:16:12 AM
10/10 would read again
#5CrimsonmistPosted 6/11/2012 8:25:17 AM
Best story ever. :v
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I might make this my sig...
#6GlitchySkyrim(Topic Creator)Posted 6/11/2012 8:46:44 AM
*After defeating the monsters, Serah and Noel see Lebreau*

Serah: Hello Lebreau!
Lebreau: Wait... did you just kill all those monsters?
Serah: Yeah?
Lebreau: Without a weapon?
Serah: Yeah?
Lebreau: Even though there were twenty other guys with guns having trouble taking down those extraterrestrial creatures?
Serah: Silly Lebreau! Everyone knows that in Final Fantasy games, guns are just toys that little kids fight with! Real warriors fight unarmed! Just ask Snow!
Lebreau: Of course! Guns are for children! Us adults should be fighting monsters with our fists, because that is much more practical!

*Noel is too busy checking out Lebreau's breasts to realize how stupid she is*

Serah: By the way, this is Noel. He's male.
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: No, I'm serious.
Lebreau: Oh.
Serah: He's going to teach me how to travel using this crystal stone!
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: No, I'm still being serious.
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: We could save the future of humanity if we go into the future and stop myself from killing humanity in the future where I kill humanity.
Lebreau: You're so funny, Serah!
Serah: Screw you.

*Serah drags Noel away*

Noel: Who's that chick with nice breasts?
Serah: A random NPC from FF13 that only appears in this game because horny weaboos think she's attractive.
Noel: >_>
Serah: Anyways, let's go use the artifact
Noel: Artefact.
Serah: Whatever.
Noel: First, we have to go to the meteor that crashed nearby. The artefact channels the power of bad Final Fantasy VII references to let us bend the rules of the universe.
Serah: Okay.

*Lightning suddenly materializes*

Light: HALT!!!
Serah: Huh?
Light: Welcome to the world of Pokemon! First, are you a boy or a girl?
Noel: I don't know :(
Light: It's dangerous to go into the tall grass, take this!

*Light throws a Moogle at Serah and dissapears*

Mog: Take me back to FF6, kupo! I don't want to be part of this horrible game, kupo!
Serah: Yay! I love pokemon! This Moogle will help protect us from monsters on the path to the meteor!
Mog: Like hell I will, kupo!
Noel: Aww, it's so cute! All my otaku buddies will be so jealous when they see me post this on my twitter!
Mog: Why can't you ****ing humans understand me, kupo?

*Serah and Noel walk in tall grass until a wild monster appears*

Noel: A wild monster appeared!
Serah: I choose you, Mog!

*Serah throws Mog at the monster and kills it*

Mog: I'm going to ****ing kill you all, kupo!
Noel: Hey look, the moogle is evolving!
Mog: Aw crap, this is always the worst part

*Mog screams in pain as he is transformed into a Bowsword*

Serah: Yeah! I got a Bowsword!
Noel: And it looks like the Bowsword was added to our pokedex!
Pokedex: Bowsword, a freaking awesome weapon that you will never use because Serah is a mage and her Strength sucks ass. Have fun watching Serah spam Ruin for the next sixty hours! Mwahahaha!
Serah: What the...?
Noel: This pokedex must be glitched or something. That doesn't even make sense.

*Noel throws away his pokedex and the duo continue on their journey*

*Suddenly Gogmagog pops out of a portal*

Gogmagog: BLARGH!!!!!!
Serah: Oh noes, it's a boss!
Noel: How do you know?
Serah: Because my ears are currently bleeding from the horrible metal.
Noel: Makes sense

*The pair spam X for a few turns until Gogmagog dies*

Serah: Hey, I'm starting to get better at spamming X!
Noel: Hey look, we're here! Now all we have to do is jump into this gate!
Serah: And then?
Noel: We disappear into the timeline.
Serah: How do I know you're not a creepy pedophiliac rapist?
Noel: You don't.
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Sorry, I tried to post pics but a pic is worth a thousand words. That exceeds the GameFAQs character limit.
#7FireMage7777Posted 6/11/2012 8:53:00 AM
TC, I want your babies
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Darkness of a thousand souls!!! Oh, undead serpent who slew a thousand in a single night; open thy jaw and consume mine enemies!!!!!
#8Balthier4KingPosted 6/11/2012 9:17:57 AM
More please :)
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Vanille+hecatonchier=crazy summoner sex___
#9AlareiPosted 6/11/2012 9:24:11 AM
Balthier4King posted...
More please :)
#10wolf riderPosted 6/11/2012 10:31:18 AM
Alarei posted...
Balthier4King posted...
More please :)