CYOA: Out of Darkness

#1OsrangerPosted 4/5/2013 4:59:06 PM
Hello again, if you have been paying attention, I already have a CYOA on this board, but since it has died down a bit and I am an impatient person, I decided to make another one. So let's get started shall we? Or not, depending on... Oh never mind...

Part 1 (hopefully) of 3
Fire Rises

It is cold...
so very cold...
You feel nothing else...
You see only darkness...
You must escape! There is something you must do...
What must you do?
Your world impossibly becomes darker and colder every passing moment, you need to escape...
You have unfinished business...

A.(your choice. Try to make it relevant. If it gets enough votes, I will try to incorporate it into the story.)
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Those are brave men out there. Let's go kill them!
-Tyrion Lannister, Clash of Kings
#2Supah1337Posted 4/5/2013 5:00:15 PM
Retrieve your arms
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Currently Playing: FE: Awakening, Etrian Odyssey 4, XCOM: Enemy Unknown
Currently want: SMT: Soul Hackers
#3Osranger(Topic Creator)Posted 4/5/2013 5:55:33 PM
You look for a weapon, but you cannot even see your own hands as you grasp around in the darkness. You realize the search is futile, and you only have precious minutes to find your way out, panic rises in your throat as the world begins to slip away...

A cruel voice calls out to you,"You shall not rest today, your duty is not over yet, one last service is needed of you."
You make one last futile effort to break free of the abyss, but the cold becomes too much for you and the darkness envelops you.

You awake in a clearing with a blazing sun beating down on you. Before you are able to better take in your surroundings, a boy steps into your field of vision and points a sword in your face. You glance at your reflection in the sword and notice that you are a

A. Boy
B. Girl
C. A potato!
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Those are brave men out there. Let's go kill them!
-Tyrion Lannister, Clash of Kings
#4SpikayaPosted 4/5/2013 5:58:19 PM
C.
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FEA Board - Official Husbando of RNG Goddess Anna :3
There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.
#5Supah1337Posted 4/5/2013 6:00:58 PM
B, because why not
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Currently Playing: FE: Awakening, Etrian Odyssey 4, XCOM: Enemy Unknown
Currently want: SMT: Soul Hackers
#6Osranger(Topic Creator)Posted 4/5/2013 6:39:28 PM
You notice you are a boy, that's one mystery solved you think to yourself

???: I will ask ask you only one more time, who are you?
You...

A. Answer him to the best of your ability.
B. Disarm him and become the interrogator.
C. Stay silent
D. Escape
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Those are brave men out there. Let's go kill them!
-Tyrion Lannister, Clash of Kings
#7SpikayaPosted 4/5/2013 6:41:15 PM
B.
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FEA Board - Official Husbando of RNG Goddess Anna :3
There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.
#8Osranger(Topic Creator)Posted 4/5/2013 8:07:13 PM
You detect the boy's concentration waver and you take the opportunity to take advantage of the situation. You kick the boy's legs out from under him and rise to your feet. You pick up the blade from where he dropped it when he fell, and place a foot on his chest and brandish the sword in your interrogator's face. You here a gasp off to your right and see a female cleric out of the corner of your eye. Since you know almost nothing about yourself, you decide to ask him about what he knows.
(Pick as many as you want)
A. Ask about you.
B. ask about them.
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Those are brave men out there. Let's go kill them!
-Tyrion Lannister, Clash of Kings
#9Dragunov_ZeroPosted 4/5/2013 8:49:36 PM
Osranger posted...
You detect the boy's concentration waver and you take the opportunity to take advantage of the situation. You kick the boy's legs out from under him and rise to your feet. You pick up the blade from where he dropped it when he fell, and place a foot on his chest and brandish the sword in your interrogator's face. You here a gasp off to your right and see a female cleric out of the corner of your eye. Since you know almost nothing about yourself, you decide to ask him about what he knows.
(Pick as many as you want)
A. Ask about you.
B. ask about them.


A.You need to know more about yourself and why the boy was threatening you with a blade.

Great opening narration, here's my two cents on your new CYOA so far:

Story: 7/10

So far it's engaging enough, but I feel like the parts are a bit too short since this is the introductory chapter and I feel that I'm missing a lot of information about how the character feels, his status and his surroundings. Try to extend the posts and provide more story description per post.

Pace: 5/10

Pretty linear so far but I feel that the transition from story to question is a bit too fast as I don't have enough time to fully immerse in the world and setting properly,

Immersion: 6/10 I can feel the tension but I feel like the world is lacking life so far and the main character feel kind of hollow so far.

So really the only real problem I find so far is the length of each post, which causes the transition from post to question to become too fast and leads to a lack of description on the character's status and environment and the character's own feelings, which makes this world feel a bit hollow and dreary.

But you can still salvage this story since it's only the beginning so long as you start extending the story segments to acceptable lengths and providing adequate description per post.

If you want some reference, go read the CYOA Age of the Sun for an idea on how you improve your setting and emotional descriptions as I consider it the best in terms of narrative, although I feel it's not very accessible because of how long-winded each post is.

Sorry for the criticism, but I think you have potential as a CYOAist so I want to help you improve as much as I can. Peace out =D
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If life is suffering, then what does death bring?
#10Dragunov_ZeroPosted 4/5/2013 8:58:45 PM
I forgot to add something, extend it as the story goes on not and don't add description for the sake of extending the post as it becomes saturated in information and sometimes repeats and also be patient, sometimes votes will not come for long periods of time so be patient or go do something else and return later.

Also, update as frequently as possible when you see some traffic, CYOA Legend of the Soldier had a rather long hiatus (3 days if I'm not mistaken), which alienates your current readers and strips them of the motivation to follow the story, fortunately that story made a good impression on me so I did not just give up on it.

Alright, now I'm done ranting, sorry again for bothering you and have a good day =D
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If life is suffering, then what does death bring?