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Nuzlocke Challenge: Troubled Trainer

#1DaveyBougePosted 2/7/2013 2:10:08 PM
Hey. So I wrote on this board yesterday saying I was doing a nuzlocke challenge and how I was going to record the events of my game in a story. Well... I have the first chapter here for you to read.

This is the opening and I thought if people would enjoy reading more of my writing then I would continue. It is a slightly different take on the events of Pokemon Pearl. So with the game in hand and my imagination in full flow I wrote this:

http://daveybouge.blogspot.co.uk/

I'd love and appreciate any feedback. I hope you enjoy.
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B2 FC: 4213 2931 0485
#2DaveyBouge(Topic Creator)Posted 2/7/2013 4:21:44 PM
Bump for those who haven't read. I'd love to hear what you think. :)
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B2 FC: 4213 2931 0485
#3xfyrenxPosted 2/7/2013 4:52:36 PM
Seriously? The beginning sounds like a bad fanfiction. Dunno, maybe it's not my cup of tea, but I really wouldn't have included a love story so early. Or at all. And dark and gritty? What are you going for? You should probably stick to one tone, at least considering how early this is.
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#4DaveyBouge(Topic Creator)Posted 2/7/2013 5:34:10 PM
Okay, thanks for the input. Always good to read opinions. I am aiming towards a dark n gritty story with an emotional undercurrent. I understand what you are saying about having a clearer tone. I'll make it better in the next chapter. Any other thoughts are welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
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B2 FC: 4213 2931 0485
#5DaveyBouge(Topic Creator)Posted 2/8/2013 2:22:09 AM
Bump for reading. :)
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B2 FC: 4213 2931 0485
#6I_Like_Stuffs_Posted 2/8/2013 7:14:13 AM
-shrugs- that's a lot of reading before pretty much anythings happening. Would've atleast like to know which pokemon you chose, since that's when your nuzlocke really starts. It's like a lot seems to have happened but in reality not really. Anyway, that's just my personal opinion, don't mind me if it sounds dumb.
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The Game. That is all.
#7joejones6Posted 2/8/2013 7:18:21 AM
I_Like_Stuffs_ posted...
-shrugs- that's a lot of reading before pretty much anythings happening. Would've atleast like to know which pokemon you chose, since that's when your nuzlocke really starts. It's like a lot seems to have happened but in reality not really. Anyway, that's just my personal opinion, don't mind me if it sounds dumb.


I really agree, no offense. Maybe put more substance into it so it seems progressive. Like you played the game for 2 minutes, and you came up with all that. It seems like you'll end up with a novel by the time you finish the game. It saves you more time if you keep it more concise.
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#8DaveyBouge(Topic Creator)Posted 2/8/2013 7:26:04 AM
Okay cool. I appreciate this feedback. Thanks. So you are saying that I really just need to get on with it instead of picking every moment and writing about it? Select what the most exciting parts are and writing about them would make this story more entertaining?
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B2 FC: 4213 2931 0485
#9DaveyBouge(Topic Creator)Posted 2/8/2013 7:49:21 AM
Does this beginning sound like something you'd be interested reading more of? Decent potential? Sorry or all the questions, it's my first time writing a fiction story. :)
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B2 FC: 4213 2931 0485
#10I_Like_Stuffs_Posted 2/8/2013 10:05:07 AM
Sure why not. I'm sure it will turn out well with the advice obtained, so I'll follow on for now, reading on my spare time.
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The Game. That is all.