Feral's Bitterblack Journal: Exploits and Poor Decisions. (spoiler-y)

#1AngryOldFeralPosted 6/4/2013 5:32:19 PM
Day One...or Night One. (Can't tell this place is dark as hell all the time): After taking down Grigori, I have apparently broken the entire goddamned planet. Going up to the noblemen's quarter of town only seems to breed rampant hostility and a never-ending supply of town guardsmen that die excessively only to continue bullcharging me and my companions.

Also, I am not entirely sure where the logic behind this stems from... if a guy just literally fought a dragon and won, why would you allow him to sit there and slaughter your entire army for several hours at a time? Also, why is it just the guys in the noble quarter that're being such dicks? The other guards seem to regard me with complete apathy... even when I systematically throw their town's children into that bottomless pit I sort of caused in the middle of the city that killed numerous people.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/934885_251541941654053_1572650319_n.jpg

(The boy missed his family! I was helping the child...)

Are they mad about the huge sinkhole? I didn't know that **** was going to happen. Neither did I know that the ruler of their kingdom was going to suddenly look like he was made of beef jerky when I got back. I also didn't know that I was into other men until I fought the dragon, either, but you don't see me complaining.

I have grown tired of smashing myself into ledges falling through Everfall because I am simply too lazy to go through the process of grabbing the edge. Also, the mulatto woman that has demanded I help her gather Wakestones can kiss my ass. Those things are worth a lot of money, they bring me back to life no matter how horrifically I've died, and I'm killing anything from huge birds, hydras, giant chimeras and dogs spewing fireballs into my crotch at point-blank range to get them.

I don't care how sad she is or how dead her former boss was... I'm keeping them.

Anyhow, while trying to figure out what to do about the teenage goth chick that up and moved into my apartment while I was out trying to get my vital organs back from a 50-ft. wyrm, I ran across a young woman acting all melancholy standing in the dark on the Cassardis pier. Immediately, I thought my impromptu roommate had invited friends over and went over there to make sure she wasn't about to come into the house and start writing bad poetry with Symone while I was trying to sleep. I was already pissed off that my pawns decided to smash every goddamned piece of pottery and box that I owned within seconds of letting them into my home.

No, turns out the woman wanted to give me a boat-ride into a horrible, god-forsaken island surrounded by rocks and terrible weather, and never saw light of the sun. "So, this is England?" I asked. I was informed that this was in fact, not England and the overcast clouds aren't nearly as bad as foreigners make them out to be and to stop being such a judgmental douche.

My pawns decided they were going to let me know just how heavy, and somehow sad the air felt to them. I ignored my pawn's rambling and decided to take a nap, as it was a long trip. Unfortunately, the only place I could find to sleep was a busted-ass picnic table. Fantastic. Your tourism board is awful, England, if you think you can skip building places for lodging and expect foreigners to just sleep all over patio furniture.

Welcome to Bitterblack Isle.

(To be continued)
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Smoking Ghost / Feral Manx
Proud Outcast of Capcom Unity
#2aureliano17Posted 6/4/2013 6:27:11 PM
I laughed. Please, continue.
#3DatDarkOnePosted 6/4/2013 8:12:49 PM
LOL!
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It is defeat that you must learn to prepare for.
GT: DatDarkOne Pawn: Alita Alt: CujoGojiro Pawn: Cujo
#4AngryOldFeral(Topic Creator)Posted 6/4/2013 8:31:05 PM
Night Two: Romance Abroad, and Hostile Local Populace

Well, the place isn't half-bad. I mean, for one food in England is amazing. There is more rabbit and deer to hunt than I know what to do with. At times I find myself wading knee-deep into a literal pile of rabbits fleeing from me and swinging my sword haphazardly, cleaving apart ten or twenty rabits with each slash. The deer, however, seem to possess absolutely no survival instinct as I've frequently stood less than ten feet from them, slamming my sword hilt into my shield and yelling while they simply stand there, staring blankly at me.

Alternately, the architecture over here is beautiful. Lots of statues, large columns and spires, and wonderful lighting despite the fact it seems as though the sun completely misses England on a regular basis. I seriously have not seen the moon move at all since I've been here.

Few complaints, however: For one, there is a huge poisonous snake-dog problem. I believe that they are wolves, woven entirely out of green strips of garbage. They have bitten and poisoned me repeatedly, and on several occasions dragged my pawns off into dark hallways, screaming in the night. The animal control here is nonexistent, though the wolves themselves seem to be oblivious to the fact that there's a courtyard teaming with enough mentally-challenged deer to feed their ranks ten times over.

Alternately, the ogres here are entirely too aroused by men to deal with regularly. On far too many instances, I would butcher these garbage-wolves and their grimgoblin owners only to have these oafs show up and begin punching me in the...well, everywhere. Their fists cover the span of most of my body and tend to send my ragdolled carcass flying thirty feet in random directions. They then pick me up and begin to violently tongue-kiss me before gnawing half of my face off and spiking me like a football against the ground.

These ogres are complete and utter bastards. I have murdered several of them at this point. Had they the tact to simply buy me dinner and a drink first, I might have been interested in their advances. However, this isn't some jail where you can just buy stuff with cigarettes and powerbomb guys through concrete during man-on-man antics.

Also, I traveled here hoping to at least have one exotic fling with an alluring local woman as a suave out-of-towner on the prowl. The women here are extremely talkative and speak to me quite freely, which is great. The downside, though, is that they're all dead. I mean, really, really dead. These ladies have all been torn apart violently by unseen beasts, slumped over in bloody heaps and their souls are just screaming at me to "Go back before it's too late" and other mournful banter, regaling me with tales of their misdeeds and regrets.

It's easy to meet women here, and the conversations are quite interesting. However, the sex has become increasingly awkward since I've arrived. :/
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Smoking Ghost / Feral Manx
Proud Outcast of Capcom Unity
#5KarathraxPosted 6/4/2013 10:37:05 PM
Hmmm. Are you responsible for the condition of Thickness03's pawn?

Because... damn.
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GT/PSN: Karathrax, Alt: Sekhmeti
#6AngryOldFeral(Topic Creator)Posted 6/5/2013 12:04:57 PM
Night Three:

There are so many damned deer here, and they are incredibly stupid. Ever fearful of my next encounter with an Elder Ogre, I have enrolled myself in a women's self-defense course. There is no instructor and I'm more or less just trying to practice what I remember as "anti-rape martial arts" techniques.

There are no punching bags, so I have opted to practice my anus-saving karate moves on the local deer populations. I have purchased a large whistle and while there are no bottles of pepper-spray to be had, I have filled my pockets with explosives and flammable items to throw into my would-be rapists' faces.

Hopefully after rigorous training, I will be better suited to delve deeper into the depths of England and remain unmolested by fifteen-foot Elder Ogres for as long as possible.

Face-punch. Throat-punch. Kick. Then yell: "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!". Follow through with Dragon's Spit in the face. I think I'm getting pretty good at this.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/8463_252046548270259_388682626_n.jpg
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Smoking Ghost / Feral Manx
Proud Outcast of Capcom Unity
#7aureliano17Posted 6/5/2013 9:26:03 PM
Love the way you incorporate the game's absurdities into a story. The bit about the rabbits killed me.
#8pweidmanPosted 6/6/2013 6:35:57 AM
Please continue TC. This is all the more entertaining for me as I finally entered BBI proper last night and frankly, I'm still in shock(and awe). :S
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GT= PWEID5
#9closetblondePosted 6/6/2013 11:15:37 AM
Oh my god, this is hilarious. My sides are hurting. Especially with the England weather references! XD

More, please!
#10robert43sPosted 6/6/2013 12:46:03 PM
Hilarious. Must be English, we're always complaining about our weather, it's so bad, I'm certain I will no longer cope if it goes above 20 degrees.
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GT: Rob ShadowHawk - level 200 Strider
GT: DragonHunter720 - level 200 Sorcerer