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Anyone interested in my story?

#1pokemonfreak97Posted 4/23/2013 6:50:26 PM
Recently I've been writing a... I want to say "short story", but it's really seeming like it will end up far too long to deserve that label. It takes the continuity of Pokémon Black and wonders "What would happen if N beat Hilbert in their battle?" It starts near the end of the battle (with an obvious point where the victory would have happened; a Hyper Beam misses, and that's a pretty rare event) and continues into a story with N as the main character. I tried my best to stay true to his in-game character. So, here's the intro paragraph, before the actual story gets started. So, after reading that, does anyone want to read any more?

One battle ended the illusion of Team Plasma’s good intentions and revealed their leader, Ghetsis, to be a power-hungry madman. Driven to insanity, his plans would eventually be foiled by a second hero and his own adopted son. But what if, on that crucial day that shaped history, Hilbert’s skill had deserted him? What if, in that decisive battle, Hilbert, the Hero of Truth, had lost, and N, the Hero of Ideals, had claimed victory?
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#2SpiderLanternPosted 4/23/2013 6:55:07 PM
Personally no. I didn't care for N, but I'm sure plenty here would like that.

On a side note the name Hilbert is completely horrible.
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"Everyone step back. Me and this Jigglypuff are going to tangle and I don't want anyone getting hurt."
#3icequeenprincePosted 4/23/2013 6:57:56 PM
*Yawn*

Lame-o
#4pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/23/2013 7:00:07 PM(edited)
SpiderLantern posted...
Personally no. I didn't care for N, but I'm sure plenty here would like that.

On a side note the name Hilbert is completely horrible.


I just used Hilbert because that's the canon name for the male B/W protagonist. Thanks for your non-discouragement, (it's really the best you could give me, not liking the main character of my story) but I'll wait for someone who does want to read it before I actually post any, though.

Edit: To the person who posted between when I started this post and when I ended it, thank you for the constructive criticism. Sarcasm aside, could you tell me what you didn't like. Is it the topic, is it the writing, is it that you are similarly indifferent towards N, or what?
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#5SpiderLanternPosted 4/23/2013 7:04:36 PM
pokemonfreak97 posted...
SpiderLantern posted...
Personally no. I didn't care for N, but I'm sure plenty here would like that.

On a side note the name Hilbert is completely horrible.


I just used Hilbert because that's the canon name for the male B/W protagonist. Thanks for your non-discouragement, (it's really the best you could give me, not liking the main character of my story) but I'll wait for someone who does want to read it before I actually post any, though.

Edit: To the person who posted between when I started this post and when I ended it, thank you for the constructive criticism. Sarcasm aside, could you tell me what you didn't like. Is it the topic, is it the writing, is it that you are similarly indifferent towards N, or what?


I know that's the MC actual name. Just taking the time to express my disdain of the name. Also, your story could be interesting. I always find the Marvel Comic series What If? Which is essential what your story is.
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"Everyone step back. Me and this Jigglypuff are going to tangle and I don't want anyone getting hurt."
#6pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/23/2013 7:13:28 PM
SpiderLantern posted...
pokemonfreak97 posted...
SpiderLantern posted...
Personally no. I didn't care for N, but I'm sure plenty here would like that.

On a side note the name Hilbert is completely horrible.


I just used Hilbert because that's the canon name for the male B/W protagonist. Thanks for your non-discouragement, (it's really the best you could give me, not liking the main character of my story) but I'll wait for someone who does want to read it before I actually post any, though.

Edit: To the person who posted between when I started this post and when I ended it, thank you for the constructive criticism. Sarcasm aside, could you tell me what you didn't like. Is it the topic, is it the writing, is it that you are similarly indifferent towards N, or what?


I know that's the MC actual name. Just taking the time to express my disdain of the name. Also, your story could be interesting. I always find the Marvel Comic series What If? Which is essential what your story is.


I also think that Hilbert is one of the worst names I've ever heard that wasn't Ghetsis. What kind of name is Ghetsis? Unova is full of ludicrous names, even discounting N, Bianca and Cheren, whose names are based on foreign words for "white" and "black" respectively, and as always the Gym Leaders/Elite Four.

Just to clarify; it's mostly a story starring N, but it does deal with the after-effects of N winning that duel, chief among them Ghetsis's consolidation of power and his goal to eliminate or discredit N, who is his main obstacle to power. It'll also (eventually) incorporate elements and characters from Black 2 such as Kyurem/the DNA Splicers and Colress, if all goes as planned. (I have a general structure planned for the story, but I've changed what I thought a chapter was going to be about twice now, and I'm only on the seventh one (not counting that little intro).
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For those of you starting topics about the PS4, there's a PS4 board:
http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/691087-playstation-4
#7icequeenprincePosted 4/23/2013 7:16:54 PM
It's your writing style, I find it dull and colourless.

It would seem interest would have to be hinged on the story more than your delivery for people to bite.
#8pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/23/2013 7:19:55 PM
icequeenprince posted...
It's your writing style, I find it dull and colourless.

It would seem interest would have to be hinged on the story more than your delivery for people to bite.


Thank you for expanding on that. I think that later I'll post more of it later and see if people like it better. Sorry if I seemed snarky earlier, it's just that I see little point in criticism without any use. I'll probably post more in about 10 minutes to give a few more people opportunity to comment and see if the rest of the reception to my intro is similarly tepid, but I'll keep going anyway.
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For those of you starting topics about the PS4, there's a PS4 board:
http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/691087-playstation-4
#9pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/23/2013 7:36:50 PM(edited)
Well, there really haven't been any posts since I last posted here. So I'll just continue with the first section of the story. This is Part 1: A Fateful Victory! (I'll keep titles separate because I can't center on GameFAQs, as far as I know).

On one side sat an exhausted Zoroark, flickering white as it tried to uphold an illusion. A Carracosta, collapsed on the ground, sighed. A Vanilluxe tried to refreeze parts of its body. An Archeops was lying on the ground, wings spread. A Klinklang spun in slow but constant circles, barely aloft. Across from them, a Victini, too tired to battle, spun its tail, trying to fly. A Simisear sputtered fire weakly. Serperior hissed quietly, coiled into a ball. Another Zoroark sat on this side, swapping indiscriminately between Simisear, Victini, and itself. Reshiram had collapsed behind its Trainer. But all eyes were on the two final combatants who would decide the victor of the battle they started. The first side was represented by Zekrom, whose tail-generator still hummed with electricity. The second side’s final team member was Tornadus, the Cyclone Pokémon. It hovered above the ground, defending its Trainer and friend, Hilbert.

“Tornadus, use Hyper Beam!”

The beam arced towards Zekrom, but the Deep Black Pokémon managed to fly out of the way. The move had missed. Hilbert knew that this had cost him the battle. He hung his head as N issued the final fateful command.

“Zekrom, Fusion Bolt!”

The move did not miss. Tornadus fell to the ground, defeated. The battle between heroes had ended; N, the Hero of Ideals, had won.

“You did your best. You proved yourself to be worthy of being the Hero of Truth. However, in the end, my ideals proved stronger. And I have always been told that if I truly wish to save the Pokémon, I must not allow any rivals. By my own ideals, I must release your Pokémon now. However, my conscience gives me one more option. Leave Unova, and do not return. Should you leave, I can use my power to allow you to leave unchallenged. But if you return, then we shall duel once again. Farewell, Hilbert, Hero of Truth.”

“Though I am hesitant to leave my homeland under the rule of men like Ghetsis, I believe that you should be able to save it from madness. N, I thank you for this chance. Keep Unova safe. Goodbye, N, Hero of Ideals.”

And so Hilbert left Unova, confident that N, despite his conflicting ideals, would keep the region safe. Ghetsis was furious that this greatest enemy was still at large, but he kept this anger from N as he consolidated power…

So, that's part 1. It covers the battle between Hilbert and N, and then they say their farewells. I think that the farewells seem... very formal, but I was trying to emphasize the finality of this; the two are parting as friends, with N giving Hilbert the chance to leave, despite his ideals saying otherwise.

EDIT: So obviously, any comments/questions about the story here (there shouldn't be many, this part is mostly covered in the games; picture the credits scene, but backwards) or about my writing?
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http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/691087-playstation-4
#10GiftedACIIIPosted 4/23/2013 8:18:35 PM
It's ok I guess.