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Anyone interested in my story?

#11pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/23/2013 8:40:43 PM(edited)
GiftedACIII posted...
It's ok I guess.


Well, I'm far from a good writer--I'm just shooting for "people don't denounce this as an abomination that never should have existed". I have a lot more chapters, it's just that I very much did not want to triple post--if double posting is frowned upon, triple posting shows sheer desperation and borderline obsession. So, because I wanted to put another part up soon, here's Part 2: Betrayal from Within! It's a short one, but that'll be all for today. (One of the North American time zones).

The next five months were a major influence on N. He traveled the land with Zekrom, seeing the effects of his great victory. He discovered that in many places, Pokémon and people still lived in harmony. This, over the course of five months, led him to realize a new ideal: to free Pokémon to do as they choose, whether it is to live with people or alone in the wild. Little did he know that this whole time, Ghetsis’s agents—the Shadow Triad—were following him. One of Ghetsis’s first goals in the accommodation of power was to try to find a way to get rid of N. This was what he had been waiting for—some action or thought that proved that N was no longer wholeheartedly devoted to his cause of separating Pokémon and people. This new credo was support of an entirely new ideal, and exactly what Ghetsis was waiting for.

Ghetsis had Zinzolin, who of all the other Sages most supported him, summon N back to the Plasma Castle. N, perplexed by the summons and confused what he had done wrong, flew back to the castle, where he was put on trial for “deserting Team Plasma and renouncing its ideals”. The trial’s jury of “randomly selected” Team Plasma members were all ardent supporters of Ghetsis and the judge, supposedly chosen at random from all of the Seven Sages, was Zinzolin, Ghetsis’ puppet. Ghetsis still needed to pretend he was being fair and just—not all Team Plasma members supported him fully yet. And so the trial began. Zinzolin spoke first, announcing the charges.
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#12BitterfreePosted 4/23/2013 11:37:25 PM
First off, the concept is interesting. It's not something I've seen in the world of Pokémon fanfiction, and yet it's still a reasonable subject to tackle. So kudos to you for thinking outside the box without going overboard.

However, although your writing style isn't terrible, it does leave a lot to be desired. The subject matter begs to be written with a great deal of emotion, but your style remains very detached to the whole situation. The dialogue in particular suffers from being overly stiff. With N, it's somewhat plausible, as he is a rather strange young man with questionable social skills. Hilbert, on the other hand, just lost the battle that was waged to determine the future of his homeland. Honor or not, it's likely he'd be rendered too shocked and ashamed of himself to speak with such dignity.

Furthermore, there's a lot happening, but you leave the reader no time for much of anything to sink in. Slow down. Don't tell us what's happening--show us. Figure out what information is vital, and deliver it to us very precisely. For example, concerning Zinzolin's loyalty to Ghetsis, it may be best to simply hint at it through dialogue and body language, rather than to outright state his allegiance as fact. That way, we'll get a real feel just how far Zinzolin is willing to go to ensure Ghetsis's plans succeed. The rest of the story also deserves such a thorough treatment. It's perfectly fine to keep secrets, too, but do take care to foreshadow them.

I'd write more, but I fear I'm starting to become a little incoherent (it's late, my brain's been soggy all day). Anyway, whatever the case, if you believe in this story, make it happen. Write it. Rewrite it. Just don't you dare give up. I really want to see you take this story all the way.
#13pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 4:31:12 AM
Bitterfree posted...
First off, the concept is interesting. It's not something I've seen in the world of Pokémon fanfiction, and yet it's still a reasonable subject to tackle. So kudos to you for thinking outside the box without going overboard.

However, although your writing style isn't terrible, it does leave a lot to be desired. The subject matter begs to be written with a great deal of emotion, but your style remains very detached to the whole situation. The dialogue in particular suffers from being overly stiff. With N, it's somewhat plausible, as he is a rather strange young man with questionable social skills. Hilbert, on the other hand, just lost the battle that was waged to determine the future of his homeland. Honor or not, it's likely he'd be rendered too shocked and ashamed of himself to speak with such dignity.

Furthermore, there's a lot happening, but you leave the reader no time for much of anything to sink in. Slow down. Don't tell us what's happening--show us. Figure out what information is vital, and deliver it to us very precisely. For example, concerning Zinzolin's loyalty to Ghetsis, it may be best to simply hint at it through dialogue and body language, rather than to outright state his allegiance as fact. That way, we'll get a real feel just how far Zinzolin is willing to go to ensure Ghetsis's plans succeed. The rest of the story also deserves such a thorough treatment. It's perfectly fine to keep secrets, too, but do take care to foreshadow them.

I'd write more, but I fear I'm starting to become a little incoherent (it's late, my brain's been soggy all day). Anyway, whatever the case, if you believe in this story, make it happen. Write it. Rewrite it. Just don't you dare give up. I really want to see you take this story all the way.


Thank you for the advice. I think I'll start rewriting; I'll repost Part 1 once I have it rewritten to more adequately portray Hilbert, and Part 2 once I've got more... in-universe revelations.
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#14DarknessLink7Posted 4/24/2013 4:49:46 AM
I thought it was very good! Topics like this needs more posts to show the author some appreciation. I bet a lot of people are reading it but are just to lazy to respond.

Nevertheless, good job! Keep going plz!
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Perfection is at hand! I have been made compleat.
#15Minjo26Posted 4/24/2013 4:54:16 AM(edited)
Way too many "to be" verbs. Look up passive vs active voice.
#16pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 4:56:21 AM
Minjo26 posted...
Way too many "to be" verbs. Look up passive vs active voice.


So I've been overusing the passive voice? Good to know in my rewriting.
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#17pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 5:22:34 AM
Here's the redone Part 1: A Fateful Victory.

On one side sat an exhausted Zoroark, flickering white as it tried to uphold an illusion. A Carracosta, collapsed on the ground, sighed. A Vanilluxe tried to refreeze parts of its body. An Archeops lied on the ground, its wings outstretched. A Klinklang spun in slow but constant circles, barely aloft. Across from them, a Victini, too tired to battle, spun its tail, trying to fly. A Simisear sputtered fire weakly. A Serperior hissed quietly, coiled into a ball. Another Zoroark sat on this side, swapping indiscriminately between Simisear, Victini, and itself. Reshiram had collapsed behind its Trainer. But the exhausted Pokémon all had eyes for only one thing: the end of the battle they had fought so hard to win. On N’s side of the field, Zekrom’s generator hummed with electricity. On Hilbert’s, the winds swirled around his last Pokémon, Tornadus. Hilbert issued the next order.

“Tornadus, use Hyper Beam!”

The beam arced towards Zekrom, but the Deep Black Pokémon abruptly stopped, then turned around. The Hyper Beam, aimed at where Zekrom would have been, crashed into the castle wall. The move had missed. Hilbert gasped in shock.

“It… it missed? It missed now, of all times? Reshiram… I failed you…”

Still shocked, he hung his head as N issued the final fateful command.

“Zekrom, Fusion Bolt!”

The move did not miss. Tornadus fell to the ground, defeated. The battle between heroes had ended; N, the Hero of Ideals, had won. He spoke with the odd dignity that was uniquely his.

“You did your best. You proved yourself to be worthy of being the Hero of Truth. However, in the end, my ideals proved stronger. And I have always been told that if I truly wish to save the Pokémon, I must not allow any rivals. By my own ideals, I must release your Pokémon now. However, my conscience gives me one more option. Leave Unova, and do not return. Should you leave, I can use my power to allow you to leave unchallenged. But if you return, then we shall duel once again. Farewell, Hilbert, Hero of Truth.”

Hilbert took a while to respond. When he did, his speech was halting and nervous, as if he was preoccupied.

“I… I can’t believe it. I lost. I… guess I should take that offer. Thank you, N. Goodbye.”

Hilbert recalled his Pokémon. He stared for a long time at the Poké Ball that held Tornadus, then shook his head, and stored it with the others. He turned to N.

“I suppose… I had to take that chance. There was no other way I could have won. And it missed. I just want to tell you… I wanted to keep Unova safe. Please do that for me.”

Hilbert walked out, and as he left the castle N heard Reshiram’s cry, like a deep shriek. N listened; Reshiram had said ”You did what you could. No matter what, you are still my chosen hero.”. N smiled; Hilbert’s Pokémon still supported him, though he would never hear them say it. He heard the sound of large wings flapping: Reshiram had taken off.

So, just one note: I am using italics to denote Pokémon speaking (where N is hearing them) or N speaking to Pokémon. That's why that line is in italics.

So, any comments/questions on the writing of this part? Not really any new story to notice, other than it is confirmed that in this, N can indeed hear what Pokémon are saying (and talk to them; he just hasn't talked to any Pokémon yet except in battle, where he does issue the commands in normal English most of the time).
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#18Callista08Posted 4/24/2013 7:13:33 AM
You're spending a lot of time going on about pointless things that add no value to your script.

You go on about how the pokemon are thrown about on the ground, etc. It adds no value to the current moment. Instead of focusing on the relevant items you are spending it on trivial matters. Also it would be more fun if you didn't use pokemon like Tornadus, if it was real life I'm sure you wouldn't have captured it.

Also, it should have more emphasis on the moment at hand. Like:

"Sweat pours down my cheek as I glance around at the lifeless forms of all the pokemon who have fought to this point. N gears up for another round of attack as I contemplate my options to end the war."

However, I won't lie.... the story sounds rather meh. Seeing as the characters are meh in and of themselves. Not much really to go on. Their are better games, or even pokemon teams to do a story on. Namely Team Rocket seeing as they are versatile in goal. And their story isn't already made.
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#19pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 7:37:34 AM
Callista08 posted...
You're spending a lot of time going on about pointless things that add no value to your script.

You go on about how the pokemon are thrown about on the ground, etc. It adds no value to the current moment. Instead of focusing on the relevant items you are spending it on trivial matters. Also it would be more fun if you didn't use pokemon like Tornadus, if it was real life I'm sure you wouldn't have captured it.

Also, it should have more emphasis on the moment at hand. Like:

"Sweat pours down my cheek as I glance around at the lifeless forms of all the pokemon who have fought to this point. N gears up for another round of attack as I contemplate my options to end the war."

However, I won't lie.... the story sounds rather meh. Seeing as the characters are meh in and of themselves. Not much really to go on. Their are better games, or even pokemon teams to do a story on. Namely Team Rocket seeing as they are versatile in goal. And their story isn't already made.


Thanks for your comment about stuff being pointless, and for your ideas on the emphasis the story should have.

The reason I gave Hilbert Victini and Tornadus as well as Reshiram is that, as of Black 2, those two Pokémon have vanished from Unova. Canonically, someone caught them, and that someone is most likely the BW protagonist, and the character representing that in this story is Hilbert (which is the male protagonists canon name).

Therefore, I gave him Tornadus and Victini because he clearly did catch them.

Also, this is not a story that was already told in the ending to BW and the story of BW2. This is designed to be a story about N, with a third-person narrator, with the original prompt "What if N beat Hilbert/the protagonist in their last battle?". So I accept your advice to try and add more emotion, and your advice that the stuff about the Pokémon is extra and unnecessary. But putting stuff from a first-person perspective (especially a first-person perspective that's not N's) is not how I'm writing this. I'll take advice, but I do have some things I want to keep.
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#20Callista08Posted 4/24/2013 8:18:55 AM
Also, if you're writing a story make sure the grammar and word usage is correct.

Example is your usage of the word lied. Has 2 meanings, the act of laying down or being lied to as in no truthful.

You used the word lied, you should have said laying down.
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