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Anyone interested in my story?

#21pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 8:26:36 AM
Callista08 posted...
Also, if you're writing a story make sure the grammar and word usage is correct.

Example is your usage of the word lied. Has 2 meanings, the act of laying down or being lied to as in no truthful.

You used the word lied, you should have said laying down.


I debated between "laid", "lay" on the ground, and "lied" on the ground; did I pick the wrong one? I always have trouble with this one; I consulted Dictionary.com, and it seemed to suggest that I used some variant of the verb "to lie", but I still didn't know exactly what to put.
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#22Callista08Posted 4/24/2013 8:37:20 AM
Technically it's never confirmed Victini is caught. It's alluded to. However their is no canon ownership except for the first time, you have to have one of the tao dragons. And even then you technically still have a choice of which one.
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Pokemon Black FC: 3653-9864-6035
Pokemon White FC: 4641-8614-2897 (5th Gen Edits only)
#23Callista08Posted 4/24/2013 8:42:38 AM
it should have been "(insert pokemon) laying against the ground". The use of lied in terms of laying on the ground is a past version. Lied would imply that the object had lied on the ground. Not is laying on the ground.
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Pokemon Black FC: 3653-9864-6035
Pokemon White FC: 4641-8614-2897 (5th Gen Edits only)
#24pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 9:13:45 AM
Callista08 posted...
Technically it's never confirmed Victini is caught. It's alluded to. However their is no canon ownership except for the first time, you have to have one of the tao dragons. And even then you technically still have a choice of which one.


I just know that by the time of Black 2 (the Tao Dragons show clearly that this is Black), Victini and Tornadus (again, Black) are gone from Unova. Instead of Victini migrating away from Liberty Garden somehow and Tornadus going to wreak havoc somewhere else, I decided that Hilbert caught them. It makes slightly more sense, and doesn't really detract from the story that much; I think the biggest willing suspension of disbelief from the normal Pokémon games is that Victini already fainted. I deliberately picked a move that can miss, but rarely does, used by a Pokémon that could take out Zekrom, but could lose to it easily. It can't be that unbelievable; if Tornadus hits with Hyper Beam (which is a strong move and a great last move in a battle if it can guarantee victory), it wins. Otherwise, Zekrom hits it with Fusion Bolt. I think it works well.
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#25pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 9:20:02 AM
Callista08 posted...
it should have been "(insert pokemon) laying against the ground". The use of lied in terms of laying on the ground is a past version. Lied would imply that the object had lied on the ground. Not is laying on the ground.


Many works with a third-person narrator use past tense. As in "Suddenly, the character realized they had been lied (different usage, obviously) to all along.". "Lied", as past tense, matches every other verb in the section.
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#26pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 2:27:11 PM
Well, this got off Page 1, even for users with 50 topics per page. Here's the reworked Part 2: Betrayal from Within! It's almost entirely different, and much longer.

Two months after the duel at what had come to be known as the Plasma Castle, N wondered where Alder, the old Champion, had gone. He realized that the best way to find Alder would be through Marshal, his student, the ex-Elite Four member. Though Gorm, Giallo, Zinzolin, and Ryoku had taken the title of Elite Four, the old Elite Four rooms were still the same. N walked up the conveyor belt to Marshal’s platform. He found a note.

“To the person who takes my place: I have left to train on Twist Mountain. Expect my return, strong enough to claim victory. Marshal”

N left for Twist Mountain to find Marshal. As Zekrom descended to the mountain’s peak, a Mienshao flew past him. Surprised that he was under attack, he watched the Mienshao and saw its High Jump Kick crash into a Cryogonal. Cryogonal fell to the ground, exhausted, and Mienshao walked back towards its Trainer—Marshal. N turned to Marshal, but he spoke first.

“You are N, who defeated my mentor Alder, and who exiled me. I came here to train, so that I could return to the Pokémon League and challenge you. And now you are here. Tell me; why should I not hold you hostage?”

N gasped at Marshal’s harsh tone, but realized that he did need to answer.

“I never wanted to exile you! But Zinzolin said that if the old Elite Four were kept, it would be too much of a reminder of Alder’s regime.”

Marshal’s face contorted in anger at N’s words.

“Alder had no ‘regime’. We protected Unova. You are the ones who decided to rule it.”

“They were Zinzolin’s words! I agreed because I have never argued with the Sages for long.”

Marshal began to laugh. It was a hollow laugh, but still a laugh.

“Why not? If there is a person a so-called King always obeys, then they are the ruler.”

N snarled back, “I am no puppet! I listen to the wise advisors that Ghetsis found to aid me.”

“Whose words are those?”, Marshal barked, more amused than anything by now.

“I didn’t come here to talk to you about the Sages! I came to talk about Alder.”

“Alder? What is there to say about him now that you do not already know? He left, broken, after your victory over Hilbert.”

“Do you know where he went? I want to talk to him.”

“You think I will tell you where he is? Are you crazy?”

N shook his head. “I suppose I have not earned this. I just hoped you would understand.”

Marshal frowned. “Boy, I am your enemy. Leave now and come back at your own risk.”

And so N left Marshal’s camp atop Twist Mountain. Little did he know that this whole time, Ghetsis’s agents—the Shadow Triad—were following him. They reported back to Ghetsis with glee that he had talked with Marshal, a sworn enemy of Team Plasma, about finding Alder, the exiled Champion. When Ghetsis heard this, he called for Zinzolin. The Sage entered the room and spoke.

“Ghetsis! What do you wish of me?”

“I have found a way to deal with N.”

“Please tell me; your goals are mine.”

“He talked to Marshal about finding Alder. This proves his intent to betray us.”

“And you desire not to be responsible for his trial?”

“Indeed. The boy will think there is a conspiracy within Team Plasma—and you will be seen as the heart of it. I shall be free from suspicion, still the vessel of the boy’s trust. How naïve, to think I support him…”

Ghetsis trailed off, lost in thought. Zinzolin’s words jolted him back to reality.

“Very well. It shall be done. He will be charged with conspiracy.”

So, I decided to change the reasoning behind Ghetsis' charges of N and show Zinzolin's loyalty over just telling it. Thoughts?
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#27pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 5:26:06 PM
Bump! Just want a little feedback on Part 2.
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#28pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/24/2013 6:51:24 PM
No comments on Part 2, huh? Well, here's Part 3: A Hero Framed! This covers N's trial and surrounding events..

The Shadow Triad delivered Zinzolin’s announcement as N and a tired Zekrom rested in Mistralton City. As he sat on a hill, overlooking the peaceful town, the Shadow Triad appeared around him. Shocked at their sudden arrival, N demanded, “What are you doing here?” Their response puzzled him.

“We have a message from Zinzolin of the Seven Sages.”

“Zinzolin? What does he want from me?”

“He requires that you return to the Plasma Castle immediately.”

“He requires? I am King!”

“If you want to maintain some dignity at the trial, I suggest you comply before we must drag you there.”

“Trial? What trial?”

“Your conspiracy with Marshal has been uncovered. You are a traitor to Team Plasma.”

“Conspiracy? I was trying to find Alder!”

“You admit to searching for the deposed Champion? Good—evidence of conspiracy. We have all we need.”

One of the Triad marched toward Zekrom; as he approached the exhausted dragon, he tossed a Poké Ball. “Amoonguss. Spore.” N collapsed, catatonic. The last memory he had of that day in Mistralton was the sound of Zekrom’s pained roar as it resisted.

N awoke in a small room with a tunnel leading out. He walked into the tunnel. As he reached the end of the tunnel, he noticed blinding light. When he could see again, he noticed that he was in a small, unused room in the Plasma Castle—perfectly designed to be a courtroom. He looked and saw twelve grunts at stands, and he sighed—he was indeed on trial. Zinzolin sat at the judge’s seat.

“Good. The accused is here. Your crime is conspiring against Team Plasma, with the aid of the former Elite Four member Marshal, a known dissident. You have been recorded questioning this dissident on the location of Alder, the previous Champion, and one of the two people who might be able to rally the populace against us. Do you deny these charges?”

“I just wanted to talk to Alder to find out—“

“So you do not deny that you asked Marshal where to find Alder?”

“No, but I wasn’t starting a—“

“Very well; you have admitted to your crime. Take him away, and move the dragon to the tower.”

“Zekrom!? You’re imprisoning him, too? He did no wrong, and neither did I!”

“Stop arguing; we’d hardly give a powerful tool to break out in the hands of a convicted criminal!”

“You never even voted on my guilt!”

“Does anyone support this boy?”

Not a single supporter was to be found on the jury, and so N was convicted. He pleaded with the other Sages to reverse Zinzolin’s decision, but only Rood even showed him any sympathy.

“When I joined Team Plasma, it wasn’t for Ghetsis, or for his words. It was for what you did that day. I stood there, with a Pidove perched on my shoulder. You looked me in the eye and said, ‘That Pidove trusts you. Never lose such a close friend.’ You proved that day that you were unique, and Unfezant and I still trust you. Zinzolin is a fool to call you a traitor, but he holds sway over many of the other Sages. I can do nothing for you now.”

N was placed in a stone cell beneath the castle that was once his, with stone walls and iron bars, and Zekrom was taken to the top of a tower where he could not escape easily and even if he could, he would never be able to find his friend. The cell was unguarded, because, in the words of Ghetsis, who explained to the remainder of Team Plasma the circumstances of their former king’s imprisonment, “Now the traitor is nothing but a helpless boy. He cannot escape, so no guards are needed. To those of you who still believe he can be saved—do not worry, we will not starve him.” With these grim words, Ghetsis condemned N to imprisonment.

So; anything on Part 3 (or Part 2, for that matter?)
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#29pokemonfreak97(Topic Creator)Posted 4/25/2013 4:11:35 AM
Bump, so that I can get some feedback on either of my last two parts.
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#30DarknessLink7Posted 4/25/2013 5:26:19 AM
I still think it's interesting. Good attention to detail story wise, but maybe a little more vivid descriptions of the environments? At least I'd like that.
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