Eternal Darkness: The Abridged Series

#1ChaosSamusPosted 10/30/2008 4:28:29 PM
(Alex has a dream in which she fights several zombies, meanwhile several police search a Rhode Island mansion.)

Policeman 1: Well, this is the strangest case I've ever seen. We'd better do a thourough search of this house.

Policeman 2: Yeah but we won't. As a matter of fact, We won't even unlock any of the doors in the house, despite the fact that the murderer didn't even break in or out of the mansion.

Policeman 1: At least we'll be able to identify the body, right?

Policeman 2: ...

Policeman 1: Right?

(5 minutes later, on the phone)

Inspector LeGrasse: We'll need you to identify a body for us.

(A week later, Alex decides to search the mansion herself, because the Rhode Island Police lack the common sense necessary to do... well, anything.)

Alex: Well, I don't have the slightest clue what to do here, so I guess I'll start by randomly changing the times on the clocks.

(Alex finds the study of her late grandfather. In it is a strange looking book.)

Alex (reading): This book will make you lose your mind and your innocence, but all the same you must read it. Hey, I take university level math; you're preaching to the choir... I don't feel like reading right now.

(3 to 5 business days later, Alex recieves in the mail: The DVD of Eternal Darkness.)

Alex: Alright, let's see what's in this thing.

(Alex watches the first chapter of the DVD.)

Pious: To think that I could once not see beyond the veil of our reality, to-

Centurion 1: Psst- He's monologuing again,

Centurion 2: Aw, he's completely out of his mind, and he looks alot like Chuck Norris.

Pious: Alright guys, I'm going to randomly wander off into the desert, and even though I am your commander, you won't follow me for some reason.

(All of this occurs.)

Ulyaoth: Come to us, Pious Augustus.

Xel'lotath: Come to us, Pious Augustus.

Pious: What about you, Chattur'gha? Aren't you going to say it?

Chattur'gha: I already did, but my voice is so low that only certain species of Rainforest frogs can hear it clearly.

(Pious finds some ruins that teleport him to an ancient city.)

Pious: What the heck is in here?....And how do I get out?

Zombie: Breh!!!

Pious: Have at you, ugly thing!

(2 more zombies jump out from the wall, ambushing Pious and surrounding him.)

Pious: What the- OH MY GOD! AAARGH! I run so slowly! Aw CRAP! (Dies)

Death Screen: Pious is dead, you win the game.

Alex: Alright that was wierd, let me try again.
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#2ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 10/30/2008 4:34:55 PM
Seriously though, If you lose as Pious it should be a cheat to win the game.

(With foreknowledge of the zombies, Pious wins the fight with ease.)

Pious: Hey, a Solid Granite Cube about 2 feet in size! I should be able to carry about 4 of these easily!

(More and more zombies keep attacking Pious. He starts to experience problems until he realizes that the L button makes you sprint.)

Pious: Haha! None of you can catch- pant, pant, aw crap...

(4 Zombies ambush Pious in a manner very similar to before.)

Alex: What the he- this game doesn't have autosave?

(Pious reaches a room with 4 nodes in it. He places the cubes in the nodes.)

Pious: This seems too much like a Zelda game, This civilization wouldn't even have half the technology needed to create these puzzles.

(Pious then has to mutilate a statue of himself, an act of symbolism that completely eludes me. He then comes to a room with 3 artifacts.)

Pious: Wait a minute, no matter which one I pick, 2 thirds of the board are going to hate me. Therefore-

TO BE CONTINUED IN:

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Redemption
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#3ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 10/31/2008 1:34:13 PM
I'm going to stop making posts if I find that nobody is reading this so if you are, simply post anything and I'll continue. Anyway:

(At this point the universe splits into 3 separate timestreams; each in which Pious has picked a different ancient to follow.)

1st timestream Pious: Aeons have passed since then, and I have learned much. All at once I understood. The forces of the multiverse all made sense, under the transcending power of Ulyaoth. No mountain too high, no city too fa-

(Screen pans out to reveal Ulyaoth.)

Ulyaoth: No mountain to high for what? No city to far for what?

Pious 1: I dunno. I'm only saying random stuff that sounds cool. It's how I write all of my dialogue.

Pious 2: Aeons have passed since then, and I have learned much. I was once as naive as a child, but now my mind is sharp. With the power of Xel'lotath, I can now read the thoughts of others, and make them raving mad with a mere suggestion... Imagine Bill O'Reilly and Anne Coulter having sex!

Pious 3: Aeons have passed since then, and I have learned much. Chattur'gha's power filled me, invigorating my dead body. With a touch, I could level buildings, rend the ground asunder, and channel power such as mortal men could only dream, 'cause you know; No mortal man has ever leveled a building.

Alex: Well, that was an interesting story that probably is completely fictional in each and every way... but... what happened to all of the other pages? Grandpa must have done that thing where he disassembles a book and hides it around the mansion for me to read.

(Flashback: 10-year old Alex Roivas carries a stepladder up to the closet. She climbs up and finds a page of a book.)

Alex: And then Harry Potter brandished his wand and-

(End flashback)

Alex: Oh, this must be the next page right here. I wonder what happens in this chapter.

Ellia (Reading): Thy time is done, Great Ancient. Forever in

Alex: Wait! I'm reading a part of the Tome of Eternal Darkness about someone reading the Tome of Eternal Darkness? If she started reading the part about me reading about her, it would cause reality to recurse over into itself and time would become an infinite loop!

Mantorok: That happened once, I had to upload a backup of existance itself. I also installed a circuit breaker on the back of the tome.

Pious: Nope, you're dead now!

Mantorok:...um, I'm not dead. I have a few stakes going through my absolutely massive body. My injuries are equivalent to a person with a toothpick stuck in their foot.

Pious: I'm pretty sure you're dead.

Ellia: Well, I'm bored of reading this, see kids? Reading was boring an entire millenium ago, too!

(Ellia wanders off and encounters a Chattur'gha zombie.)

Ellia: Huh? Well, I guess this can't be any more difficult than the black zombies in the last leve- ARGH! IT'S RENDING ME APART LIKE A PIECE OF PAPYRUS! IT KEEPS- WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY; IT KEEPS ATTACKING ME EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEHEADED, ARRRRGGGHHH! Oh no, the sanity effect where the text cuts off because ChaosSamus ran out of characters!
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#4ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 10/31/2008 1:34:27 PM
(Ellia wanders further into the dungeon and encounters an Ulyaoth zombie.)

Ellia: I'm ready for this one.

(Ellia stabs the zombie and it explodes.)

Ellia: At least I'm now in the habit of frequently saving.

(Ellia encounters a Xel'lotath zombie and kills it in 2 seconds.)

Ellia: Hey these are easy! It's about time that I do something and nothing horrible happens to me. Hey, a blowgun!

(Ellia falls down a trapdoor and tumbles down a stone shaft. She and her blowgun which is made of bamboo are somehow unscathed, but her iron sword has been absolutely destroyed.)

Ellia: I know I've already encountered strange magically enhcanced mechanical contraptions and horrifying monsters that challenge my very sanity, but the concept of a secret passage has me absolutely dazzled!!!

Temple Guard: Help me! I'm an armed guard but I need the help of a dancing girl to fend off these zombies.

(Ellia destroys the zombies, because she now knows how to beat them. The guard casts a spell to fix her shortsword.)

Ellia: How did you do that?

Temple Guard: You don't get to know until the next chapter.

Ellia: What?

(To be continued in Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Underpants)
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#5Void_If_ReadPosted 11/1/2008 12:43:02 PM
This is hilarious!
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#6G_gglypuffPosted 11/1/2008 12:56:40 PM
The thing was funny, but I think you didn't do a great job on Ellia's story. Two first posts were very amusing, though.
I plan on reading the next chapters, btw.
#7G_gglypuffPosted 11/1/2008 12:58:03 PM
Sorry to double post, but I think you should set an ancient.
I won't hate you for any ancient. XD
#8FemmeFromMarsPosted 11/2/2008 6:16:07 AM
Please continue!
#9RiverWraithPosted 11/3/2008 10:57:49 AM
Heehee...I like this. Keep going!

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The way I see it, the person who's walking away is usually the one who did it - Buddy, age 5, on guilt
#10ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 11/3/2008 11:48:14 AM
(Ellia steps on a pressure plate triggering the firing of several darts.)

Ellia: Alright, I guess I just need to take my time and go through these halls carefully... or-

(Ellia sprints full force through the first hall.)

Ellia: Stupid game! If I keep sprinting I'll never get hit.

(Ellia sprints halfway through the second hall, gets tired and gets crushed between 2 moving rocks.)

Ellia: Crap.

(Ellia enters the Chamber of Mantorok.)

Temple Guard: Watch out! Stay away from Mantorok. We are highly trained professionals and that is why we are able to-

(Mantorok eats the guards.)

Mantorok: Yeah, I'm a jerk. I've been waiting for 50 years so I could catch those 2 in a moment of sheer irony... But honestly, I'm just here to FIRE MAH LAZOR!

(Mantorok fires his essence into Ellia... which is very, very disturbing. Pious enters the room.)

Pious: You'd better leave before you get eaten.

Mantorok: Wait, what? You're Pious freaking Augustus. You don't give people warnings, you extract their souls and feed them to unholy monsters of the darkest dimensions. Also: Where have you been for the past 1000 years?

Pious: You're right! I shouldn't just be waiting fr my god to show up. I'm gonna do stuff! I'm gonna infest a cathedral with an elder guardian and start building huge pillars of flesh.

Mantorok: Yeah, that's the spir- wait, pillars of flesh? Let's see, what would convince someone to go around erecting huge pillars of flesh?

Ellia: BWAHAHAHAHA!

Pious: You die now.

(Pious fires a bolt of enrgy at Ellia.)

Ellia: Blarg.
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