Eternal Darkness: The Abridged Series

#21UilnslcoapPosted 12/12/2008 1:39:59 AM
I've laughted out loud three times, it's so funny. Thank you, sir or madam.
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Playing: nothing right now (just finished Prince of Persia 360)
Reading: Breakfast of Champions
#22Res5Posted 12/15/2008 2:12:10 AM
Do keep going. This is some of the funniest stuff I've seen in a long time!
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What the **** is "Poliosis?"-Achmed, the dead terrorist.
#23UilnslcoapPosted 12/27/2008 3:02:21 PM
Needs bumping.
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Playing: nothing right now
Reading: nothing right now (getting married on New Year's Day...wooooooo!)
#24LtYaridovichPosted 12/27/2008 10:00:59 PM
The door and the coffin bit was gold. X3
#25ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 12/30/2008 8:40:16 PM
For the bumpage and Epic Revival!

Alex: Alright, there goes another chapter. It's wierd how reading something can cause insanity.

(Cut to a group of students taking a physics test while the walls bleed, meanwhile; in the kitchen)

Alex: What the heck? Why would the pantry cupboard be covered with a magical seal? The forces of darkness seems to be doing a whole bunch of wacky stuff.

(Cuts to Pious summoning a magickal pool)

Pious: Greetings my true and canonical dark lord... XELYAOTH'GHA!

(A Cyan, Plated half-jellyfish, half-crab with eyeball-equipped tentacles appears in the pool)

Xelyaoth'gha: Are you sure about this?

Pious: We anger less people this way.

Xelyaoth'gha: How will the ending be handled?

Pious:.... Oh well we just... We'll be right back.

(5 minutes later)

Mantorok: Ok, so it's agreed, Ulyaoth on 1 or 2, Xel'lotath on 3 or 4, and Chattur'gah on 5 or 6.

Pious: Right

(Pious rolls a die, it lands on a 1)

Pious: Greetings my true and canonical dark lord... ULYAOTH

Xelyaoth'gha: Hold on, I have to change back.

(Cuts back to Alex reading the Tome)

Edward: I will not argue that I was shocked by the sudden mention of one of my ancestors, despite the fact that the events in the tome clearly revolve around my family and I had already encountered the undead which should be more shocking in theory.

(Think about it, what would shock you more, finding out that zombies existed, or that your great-grandparents existed)

Max: Well, I have a mansion now, I sure hope nothing horrible happens here.

(Max leaves the room and encounters a servant)

Max: Excuse me, I wanted to explore the mansion so can you make sure dinner is served at-

(The servant punches Max in an extremely weak fashion)

Max: Hey, what was that about?

(The servant punches Max again after waiting about 2 seconds)

Max: I order you to stop that!

(The servant punches Max again)

Max: Stop that this instant.

(The servant punches Max again)

Max: That's it! Good thing that I have the right to bear arms!

(Max draws a Sabre with one hand and a pistol in another)

Servant: It's the year 1760, sir. 16 years before the constitution.

Max: Oh...

(He shoots the servant and a bonetheif pops out.)
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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#26ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/1/2009 8:58:34 AM
(Max runs around the mansion and finds several secret passageways guarded by magick, magickal codices, and various other things that an observant person would notice.)

Servant: This codex will allow you to cast various spells that wi- aw, it takes too long to read!

(Max finds the secret vault behind the fireplace.)

Max: Alright! Another revolver, a strange-looking book, and more letters from my Father.

Letter 1: This house is evil, leave the house at all costs, do it immediately or risk an untimely death!

Letter 2: jk rofl, you got stuff to do.

Max:... Alright.

(A Horror materializes in the main hall)

Max: What the Boston Tea Party?! I better use my newfound abilities to kill it.

(A bonetheif lunges at Max and is promptly felled by 2 precise shots from enchanted pistols. Max begins an autopsy.)

Max: This organ seems different from all of the other ones. I had better make careful notes on... Does it seem odd to you that I can preform an autopsy; a several hour long procedure in the middle of a battle?

Horror (That is just standing there): Don't look at me.

(Max explores the rest of the mansion.)

Max: Alright, I can use this pipe handle that was stashed in the pantry to proceed further along. What is it with the Roivas' and hiding objects throughout this house.

(Edward Roivas is reading a book. He finishes reading, tears all of the pages out, hides all of them throughout the mansion, snaps his reading glasses in half, and hides them under separate floorboards.)

Max: Am I outside again? There is a hidden world underneath the manor itself! I wonder what peculiar things lie in wait here.

(A Large beast materializes)

Guardian: You won't live to see any of them. I am a Guardian, entrusted servant and elite warrior of Lord Ulyaoth. I possess powers the workings of which are beyond even your comprehension. I have a mastery of the magickal arts beyond that of any mere human. I am of a greater force feared by even the-

(Max fires a volley from his flintlock pistols.)

Guardian: What the? Stupid enchanted weapons!

(The Guardian falls over, dead.)

Max: The accursed beast was dead, and completely and utterly without its toll on me. Yet for some reason I figured I needed help to accomplish my task. I used all of my cunning to do this.

(Max is talking to a colleague.)

Max: There are demons in my basement and they told me to kill everybody and that's why I need your help.

(Max is now in an asylum)

Max: Well, you know what they say: Hindsight is 20/20

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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#27ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/3/2009 3:29:26 PM
Alex: Well, time to find yet another page.

(Alex goes to an upstairs bedroom to find an enchanted dresser)

Alex: Darn, it won't open. Too bad I can't break it. Remember kids, breaking things is bad, never kick down a door or break a piece of furniture even if the very existence of mankind depends on it.

(She casts reveal invisible, allowing her to get the page inside the book. Meanwhile, Pious summons an image of Ulyaoth in a secret chamber.)

Pious: We found the essence of Mantorok! The essence is- get this, with Mantorok.

Ulyaoth: What the- of course! Where else would it be?

Pious: Well I logically assumed it was in Albuquerqe. We've been searching there for weeks.

(2 men are watching zombies and cultists roam the city.)

Citizen 1: Should we do something about this?

Citizen 2: Who cares, at least this counts as tourism.

Ulyaoth: Ok, you are officially an idiot now. You can redeem yourself by finding a way to Cambodia to get the essence.

Pious: Yes Lord Ulyaoth, by the way. What's so important about the essence.

Ulyaoth: You fool, if the enemy secured the 3 essences they could use them as... as... batteries!

(Seriously, all this fuss about the essences and you use them as batteries for a machine that worked without the essences but broke later.)

Edward: And so Pious- disguised as Paul Augustine, decided to accompany an Archaeologist to Cambodia, despite the fact that he could have easily gone there himself.

(Paul pulls out a gun and rather than silently murdering Edwin right there, he loudly cocks the gun, walks up to arms reach of him and says a heavily ominous line before being deservedly punched.)

Edwin: WTF I am being shot at!

(Paul fires a few shots that miss horribly, and then transforms into Pious.)

Pious: You can never defeat me!

(Edwin fires a shot that glances Pious and he bleeds.)

Pious: Aarghuh? Did I just bleed? I've been dead for 2000 years, I shouldn't be able to bleeed.

Edwin: That's what you get for taking the same name as the protagonist from the next chapter. Think about it, every character in this game has the same name. 5 people named Paul; 8,493 people have the name "Ed" in their name. Couldn't they just call me by my Last name alone, or give Michael a Last name that isn't Edward; the name of the most prominent character in the game? I'm surprised there is nobody name Edgar or Eddie or Edmund. It starts to become repeti-

Pious: Kill him.

(A Vampire, I'm sorry Gatekeeper appears and chargesEdwin Lindsey who just fires a couple shotgun rounds into it.)

Pious: Dang... Well, rather than ensure your defeat here, I'm simply going to go do.... something.

(Pious vanishes)

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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#28ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/7/2009 3:26:44 PM
Edwin: Alright then, I'd better start exploring this place.

(10 minutes later)

Edwin: Hmm, so far the game has been good for variety, but so far, this just seems like the second chapter with integrated floorbrush mechanics.

(Pious appears as Edwin goes into the next room)

Pious: So you're saying that the second chapter had staircases full of huge monsters?

Edwin: No, why would I say that... crap.

(Edwin has an epic fight in which he takes down 2 horrors and a gatekeeper with a shotgun)

Edwin: And now I'm completely out of ammunition. I hope I find something awesome to replace the best weapon in the game so far.

(Edwin enters the central chamber of the level, which despite being deep in an underground temple, is outdoors. There he finds: The Mantorok Rune!)

Edwin: Whoa! This is pretty cool. I wonder what kinds of spells I can pull off with this thing.

(The Benny Hill Show theme song plays and Lindsey turns invisible, enchants all of his weapons with gratuitous amounts of power and starts blasting horrors around as if they were ragdolls)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spz8_rpE0e0

Edwin: Alright, what else is in this place.

(He comes across some panels in the wall that he pushes in.)

Edwin: There must be some of these in all 4 chambers on this floor. I should probably push them all.

(5 minutes later.)

Edwin:And there... Something should happen just about now... Aaany minute... Maybe it isn't that obvious; I should search the area.

(10 minutes later)

Edwin: What do they do?! I've tried everything, I'm at the end of my wits, I can't take this anymore. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

(20 minutes later)

Edwin: (sobbing uncontrollably)

(1 hour later)

Edwin: That's it, I'm just going to complete the level, I already have the rune of Mantorok and I couldn't have missed anything more important than that.

(As he descends to the bottom floor, Edwin passes by the Rune of Mega-Ultra-Death-Mantorok)

Pious: So you have finally reached the end. Now you shall die... because of... TWO MONSTERS!

(2 Gatekeepers walk out of the shadows)

Edwin: Really? That's it? I just got a spell that makes me invisible to monsters. I could theoretically defeat an infinite horde of these things. I bet I could beat these two without even casting a spell. It really is anti-climactic that you send a mere two monst-

Ellia: I'll save you!

(An Energy Blast destroys the two monsters and stuns Pious)

Edwin:...Thanks... I was good.

Pious: You'll never defeat me, I am the mightiest being in the world.

(Pious limps three steps, trips, gets back up, and keeps limping)

Mantorok: Hey, wait a minute. I can end this right here!

(Mantorok grabs Pious while he is in clear reach and starts slamming him against the floor. Ohnowaitaminute, that's something that SHOULD have happened, like Anthony kicking down a 10$ dollar door to save the freaking Emporer of Europe! This is what DOES happen.)

Pious: I'm leaving in a vulnerable state now, don't try to stop me or anything.

Edwin & Mantorok: OK

Ellia: Heyyouneedtotakethisstufftothestatesbye.

Edwin: wut
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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#29BlueMenace84Posted 1/8/2009 7:30:43 AM
lol, this is great. Keep it going.
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Seahawks: 4-12
Mariners: Season begins on April 6th!
#30ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/8/2009 7:10:36 PM
Edwin: And that was how I came upon this thing.

Edward: I suppose I can hide it right here... I SAID RIGHT HERE, BEHIND THE BOOK FACING OUTWARDS IN THE SECOND BOOKSHELF ON THE RIGHT ENTERING FROM THE STUDY... SO IF I WERE LOOKING FOR THE ARTIFACT LATER I WOULD LOOK AT THAT POINT... HINT HINT.

(Disclaimer: For the 2 remaining players who have not yet caught on, you need to go to the library, find the correct area of the bookshelf, and pick up Mantoroks essence)

Alex: Well it's fairly obvious I should go there and get the essence.

(Alex goes to the library. As if to labour the point to an extreme, the book in front of the essence starts flying around the room, sirens around the essence start flashing and blaring, and a former Wehrmacht Drill Sergeant starts screaming in Cod German, beating Alex over the head and pointing at the essence.)

Alex: Alright, alright... I have it.

Drill Sergeant: Danke

Alex: Alright, based on the flow of the game so far, I assume I'm supposed to disenchant something... I know; The stain-glass window on the top floor that keeps shocking me!

(A servant is wiping the window when it shocks him)

Servant: Argh! It did it again! You saw it? You saw it didn't you?

(Alex goes to the top floor and disenchants the window. The tome paper stays floating in midair without moving)

Alex: I have the material to debunk so many major physicists right now.

(She grabs the paper and reads it)
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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.