Eternal Darkness: The Abridged Series

#31ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/8/2009 7:10:46 PM
Phillipe: Welcome to the Oublie Cathedral, brother.

Paul: Thank you. What is the inquisition doing in this part of France?

Phillipe: The Inquisition seeks to rid the land of Hypocrisy because faith and purity are our guides. We do this here because evil can lie in the most unsuspected locations. I am also testing the effects of heavily ironic, run-on paragraphs on French farming hamlets.

Paul: Alright, well good luck.

(Paul ventures into the sanctuary and sees a dead body)

Paul: Help, help, it's a body!

Phillipe: Hm? I suppose we have our first suspect.

Paul: What, me? That's impossible! Even a basic forensic check could-

Phillipe: Basic forensics? Welcome to the middle ages, buddy. We won't have any sort of helpful and/or non-idiotic piece of medical information for 200 years, at which points doctors perscribe enemas to cure everything. Lock him in the dungeon!

Cultist: We don't have a dungeon.

Phillipe: Lock him in a room that doesn't have a lock!

(Paul wanders around the room until he sees an emerald, which he then pockets)

Paul: What? I'm the good guy, I swear!

(The custodian opens the door and walks in)

Custodian: You have to get out of here. Bad things are going on in this cathedral.

Paul: No, really? Because where I come from, people get murdered in grisly ways in cathedrals every day.

Custodian: It' the Spanish Inquisition. People DO get murdered in grisly ways in cathedrals every day.

Paul: Point taken, but I can't leave, the inquisition will hunt me. I need to prove my own innocence and see where that leads me.

Custodian: Ok, I'll help you. Meet me in the bell tower in twenty minu- wait, Why am I staying here. I could just take my own advice and leave... Goodbye forever, here are the keys to the rooms in the cathedral.

(The custodian leaves the room, and the sound of a car starting can be heard outside)

Paul: Well, I might as well explore this place.

(Paul explores the cathedral. He finds a Mace, a Crossbow and the obligatory tome of eternal darkness)

Paul: A Mace and a Crossbow... hehe, just like a Cleric from Dungeons and Dragons. Naw, I'm imagining it. What is that; a zombie?!

(Paul casts Magic Circle against evil- I mean, Damage Field, enchants his weapon to do more damage against the undead, and heals himself. However, he in no way resembles a D&D Cleric... Meanwhile, in another dimension)

Slightly awkward Teen 1: Ok, so you rolled an 8; Paul kills the zombie with ease. Add 75 Experience points.

Slightly awkward Teen 2: Alright, I kind of hate leveling up these characters if I have to trade them off every 2 sessions.

Slightly awkward Teen 1: I'm gonna order a pizza.

Slightly awkward Teen 3: Remember: I don't like mushrooms.

(Cut back to Paul's dimension)

Paul: So this is the old wing of the church. I'm starting to get a bit nervous.

(A Bonetheif leaps into the body of a Monk and bursts out, killing him. Paul manages to kill the Bonetheif.)

Paul: I seem to be ok, but that encounter left me feeling less... sane... Wait, wha-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYX_zhlTDr8

Paul: This... can't be... happening!

---
Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#32UilnslcoapPosted 1/9/2009 12:10:42 PM
Thank you for continuing!
---
Playing: nothing right now
Reading: Rabbit Is Rich
#33ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/9/2009 12:59:24 PM
No problem, I saw that alot of people were asking for a continuance so I decided to keep posting.
---
Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#34LtYaridovichPosted 1/12/2009 1:02:42 PM
Omg, it's berries and cream! This can't be happening!
#35ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 1/12/2009 3:31:17 PM
(Paul enters a room with a familiar zombie inside it)

Anthony: Chaarlemagne!

(Zombie Anthony charges at Paul who ripostes his attack and casts a damage field. Anthony; trapped in the field, runs into it until he dies)

Paul: This poor mistreated soul.

(Paul whispers a short but heartfelt prayer to the corpse of Anthony, who's soul is laid to rest)

Paul: If your soul is trapped on Earth, it can only be released by someone with the same religion as you. This is probably the best possible argument against joining a cult... And another thing, this zombie must have been here what- just under 1000 years? How did nobody find it until now.

(Two Guards approach one of Pious' cultists)

Guard 1: We heard Emporer Charlemagne was visiting this cathedral when he died. We would obviously like to investigate it.

Cultist: You know what would be even more fun? Not investigating it!

Guard 2: That does sound like fun!

Paul: Whatever.

(Paul picks up a Ruby and the Two-handed sword that Anthony has kept safe for a millenium. He then proceeds downstairs)

Horror: Bwahaha! I am such an unstoppable monster that you cannot kill.

Paul: Maybe in the early levels, but I can overkill you by so much now.

(Paul summons a damage field and a magickal pool, turns invisible, enchants every weapon he has, casts reveals invisibility just for the lulz and weakens the Horror with a summoned Zombie)

Paul: Come on guys! I have one of the top three magick bars in the game. If you're not playing the Oublie cathedral levels this way, you aren't playing them at all.

(Paul reaches the last room in the Cathedral, which has Pious and the Black Guardian in it)

Pious: And now you are utterly doomed. There is nothing that can save the world from Eternal Da-

Paul: Hang on, how big is this room?

Pious: I was saying somethi-

Paul: How big is this room?

Pious: I dunno, it's pretty big. Why?

Paul: This room is only a little bit underground and it's massive! It would be jutting out of the ground in such an obvious way. I'm surprised nobody has noticed.

(500 years later, during World War I, Several Allied troops are ignoring the battle going on because they are focused on a building sticking out of the ground and- more importantly, the British person fighting a monster inside)

French Soldier: I'm going over the bets. Everyone who put 5 dollars one the human stand in a line over there.

(Meanwhile 500 year ago, The Monster poises itself for battle)

Pious: Don't bother yourself with someone as weak as him. He can't even hurt you because he doesn't know that you cast a magickal attack spell the Antorbok and Magormor runes... Yes, yes I am fully aware that I said that out loud... crap.

(Paul and the Black Guardian start fighting as the chapter cuts to sepiatone)

Alex: Man, this book is better than salvia.
---
Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#36UilnslcoapPosted 1/26/2009 6:21:09 PM
Sure, I'll bump it.
---
Playing: Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
Reading: Rabbit Is Rich
#37ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 2/1/2009 7:37:39 PM
Alex: Hmm, based on the general story flow; I'm gonna go play the piano in the room on the first floor.

(Alex plays the song of Eternal Darkness on the piano, it reveals a page)

Alex: So does this song have a magical effect on every piano? Also, couldn't I just have manually opened the piano?

(Alex, in a bizarre plot twist, starts reading the tome again)

Warlord Guy: I have captured you for some reason. I now want you to inspect a building foundation in turn for your life. Only I will build the structure no matter what you tell me, and I won't let you live either way.

Bianchi: What's the point of all this?

Warlord Guy: Dunno, filler I guess

(Freud starts walking across the background)

Walking Guy: In any case, I need to erect a giant shaft made of flesh.

(Freud explodes)

Bianchi: Fine

(Bianchi ventures into the ruins, a Chatur'gah zombie attacks him and he punches it to death, a process which takes several hours)

Bianchi: Why would you expect me to be able to do that?

(You could have used the torch on the wall)

Bianchi: Oh...

(He enters a room where alot of people are wandering around)

Italian Guy 1: This is the worst job ever. I don't have any clear objective, I'm undertrained and underqualified, I lack alot of necessary supplies, I face death at any moment, and the things I have been told to do are morally questionable. May such a perdicament never happen to any other foreigners in Iraq.

Bianchi: Okay, well at least I know what to do. I survey rooms by casually glancing at the ceiling.

(He takes out graphing paper and starts making elaborate notes and sketches. He then writes down: "The ceiling is nice". Bianchi then goes down to the tunnels)

Italian Guy 2: I'm scared. There are zombies everywhere and I don't want to die.

Bianchi: Why don't you just go up the ladder to safety?

Italian Guy 2: Wasn't that asked to the monk? Extras can't move; they just stand there and give you ammo... By the way, here are some crossbow bolts.

(Bianchi keeps surveying the ruins. Ghost Karim jumps out at him)

Karim: You cannot pass unless you are the chosen. Leave this place or die.

Bianchi: Fair enough, I'm just going to leave then.

Karim: Just kidding, you die.

(Karim slashes at Bianchi, who is unharmed)

Bianchi: Domo Mio!

Karim: You're the chosen... and also Italian? How do you know Arabic?

Bianchi: We're speaking Italian.

Chandra: I thought we were speaking Latin.

Alex: But they're clearly speaking English.

(Note: This is never adequately explained. Also, how come only Latin gets voiceovers?)
---
Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#38ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 2/6/2009 3:07:43 PM
Bianchi: So, how do I get this artifact to a continent across the sea?

Karim: Oh? That would be almost impossible. However; in about 500 years somebody will come across your body and-

Bianchi: Yeah, pass.

Karim: Oh come on, just hear me out on this. You will be revered throughout all of history. They'll build a statue.

Bianchi: Really?

Karim: Well, the statue will be in a transdimensional fold between two multiverses so that only 3 or so people will see it, but it's the principle that matters right?

Bianchi: Fine, what do I have to do?

Karim: Finish surveying the ruins. Oh; and you need to get the Sapphire Effigy before you leave. It doesn't make sense, but believe me it's important.

(Roberto travels up to the top floor of the ruins and reaches the last surveying site. Then 2 Freakish tentacles burst out from under him and make him go insane)

Bianchi: Their only attack is making me go insane? That's stupi-

http://www.conservapedia.com/Barack_Obama

Bianchi: That's even worse than half of the sanity effects in this game.

(Having succesfully surveyed all of the sites, Bianchi returns to the entry point, but gets lost and it takes about an hour)

Bianchi: The ruins are infested by demons. You shouldn't build there.

Pious: Ok, I'll build there anyway.

Bianchi: What? Why did you even have me survey the site in the first place?

Pious: Oh, we have all sorts of people in meaningless positions. We have 7 actuaries on payroll and I'm not entirely sure what an actuary is.

Bianchi: Oh, an actuary is a researcher who specializes in-

Pious: Throwhimintothepit

Bianchi: What? How did you build this alreadyyyyyyy

(The scene cuts to sepiatone)
---
Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#39G_gglypuffPosted 2/15/2009 6:45:29 PM
Alex: Man, this book is better than salvia.

Indeed.

If you're not playing the Oublie cathedral levels this way, you aren't playing them at all.

Oh! I guess I'll start doing that then. lol
#40ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 2/16/2009 8:34:22 PM
Alex: I wonder how I can find another page...

(Alex surveys the room, using Bianchi's knowledge and finds the next page)

Alex: Wait, I assimilate all the knowledge of all these people? I'm going to have to update my resume.

Job Interviewer: So you have experience in Battlefield Journalism, Industrial firefighting and Hand-to-hand combat with large beasts?

(Alex reads the next page. We return to Oublie Cathedral, which is now a field hospital during World War I)

Peter: (writing) This War... is really... bad.

(Peter picks up some orders from a table and for some reason randomly starts showing them to people)

British Soldier: Blewdy 'ell lad! We're on the offensive.

(The soldier leaves the cathedral)

Peter: The ironic thing is that he's safer in the battle of the Somme than he is in this church. This game has so many artistic and beautiful elements!

(A Big Bertha shell hits the cathedral and the power goes out)

Peter: Ok, So for the record: I am in a haunted cathedral converted into a field hospital infested by zombies, that is being shelled by artillery, is almost pitch black and is under the control of an evil cult. What's next? Is there going to be a circus fire?

(The sound of screaming horses is heard in the distance)

Peter: Dammit...

(Peter goes down to the basement and fixes the generator by replacing the missing fuse with a penny. All of the electricians in the audience explode)

Peter: Now that the lights are back on I can see everyone clearly again. Excuse me, nurse? I seem to have-

(A bonethief bursts out of the nurses chest cavity)

Peter: Gwah! Stupid HMO system!

(Eventually, Peter kills all of the bonethieves in the main sanctuary... It takes hours... There are like 12 of them)

Peter: Ugh. How many rooms are there in this god-forsaken cathedral.

(Peter turns the corner into the DARK FORBORDING CORRIDOR)

Peter: I cannot possibly imagine what is down that ladder.

(He goes down the ladder and sees 2 Horrors fighting eachother)

Peter: Aw, fu-

TO BE CONTINUED
---
Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.