Eternal Darkness: The Abridged Series

#41LtVirgilPosted 2/23/2009 2:17:30 PM
So the penny thing can't be done? 'Cuz Archie Bunker did that in an ep of All in the Family. Anyways, superb job! Seriously, keep it up. And if you ever decide to give resident evil or any other survival horror game this treatment, I'll swear an oath of fealty to you forever.
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Ci-a-bola, bumpty, bumpty, bump!
#42ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 2/23/2009 2:53:41 PM
(Peter enchants his rifle as the 2 horrors fight it out)

Horror 1: GRAW!

Horror 2: RRRGH!

(Peter turns himself invisible and casts a magick pool on himself)

Peter: Screw it.

(Peter leaves the room, and finds an altar with a bottle of magick potion on it)

Peter: So this makes me an even better spellcaster. I better take a swig of this right now. Wait, there's a label.

(Potion Label: For Boss Fights only, Do not take if pregnant or nursing. Avoid consumption if you are prone to respirartory ailments. If you encounter any side effects, consult your doctor immediately)

Peter: I can only jog for 7 seconds before getting tired. That's kind of a respiratory ailment. I'll keep this stuff with me anyway.

(Peter, goes through a corridor and finds several dead British Soldiers)

Peter: Wait... How did they get down here? That last door was locked. Hey, there's also a piece of paper here.

(This is the Magickal Attack Spell, it's fairly important, you might need it soon... HINT HINT)

Peter: Well that sounded ominous, I wonder what it was trying to tell m-

(HINT!!!!)

Peter: I get it.

(Suitable hinted at, Peter goes through the hall to find a huge room)

Peter: Wait, how big is this room? It's underground but at the same time it's large enough to-

Black Guardian: We've been over this.

Peter: HOLY CRAP!

Black Guardian: Yeah, someone else pointed that out already.

(The Black Guardian motions to the corpse of Paul)

Peter: Oh my gosh... You killed him!

Black Guardian: No, after 20 years of fighting he died of old age. My attacks are horribly inaccurate.

Peter: Sounds good.

(This concept is hardly relevant, because Peter hits the Guardian with 2 7-ring attack spells before it can launch an attack in the first place)

Black Guardian: It's STOMPING TIME- thus hinting that Ulyaoth is the canonical Ancient in this parody. Perhaps I should mask my identity by saying IT'S HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT TIME, BY WHICH I MEAN MELEE COMBAT OF A GENERAL VARIETY, AND NOT COMBAT INVOLVING HANDS. INDEED, IF PETER USED HIS HANDS IN COMBAT AGAINST ME, IT WOULD BE A FOOLISH TACTICAL MANEUVER AND WOULD PROBABLY RESULT IN HIS DEATH; AND THAT OF HUMANITY'S!

(Peter waits for the Black Guardian to become vulnerable and hits it with another spell)

Black Guardian: Why do I... keep... doing... that?

(The guardian dies and Peter gives the artifact to Edward, after waiting 70 years for some reason)
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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#43OtherBillPosted 2/25/2009 1:24:41 PM
I have to be careful not to read the chapters I haven't completed yet (I just finished Bianchi last night), but this has been hilarious so far.

Two thumbs up, would read again. :-)

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"No offense intended OtherBill, but do you have a job? Or school? Or something...?" -- Hooded Figure
#44gaiaslayerPosted 2/28/2009 9:27:05 AM
Lol, you sir/madam
are pretty good =)
I couldnīt stop laughing in chapter 2 with the stakes/toothpick thing
I'm sure everyone here would like you to continue
Keep it up you have my attention all the way =)
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Oh Really? You're going to stop me? You can't even put on cologne without screwing it up!!! - Zelos Wilder (Tos:DotNW)
#45ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 3/2/2009 2:39:01 PM
(Alex finds a lucky penny and a key in the tome)

Alex: This is fairly obvious, I guess I'm supposed to go down to the basement and use the penny to fix a circuit.

(All of this happens, Alex also finds a Winchester Pump-Action Shotgun)

Alex: Wow, I have quite the Chekhov's Arsenal going on here. Seriously, I've been collecting combat gear for hours now and there isn't one zombie in sight. What's taking them so long.

(Meanwhile, In zombie congress)

Pious: How many votes do we have to invade Alex's Living Room?

(Fade Back to Alex, in the main Bathroom)

Alex: Hey, one of these old medicine cabinets. In horror movies, people always open and close these only to have someone standing next to them in the mirror.

(Alex opens the cabinet, and then rips the door off it's hinges, shoots it twice with the shotgun and grabs the page inside)

Edward: My education in psychiatry did not prepare me. I
would love to see how Freud's view of his mother would change with
the knowledge of Chattur'gha, How Skinner would incorporate Xel'lotath
into his behaviorist theories, How Jung would accommodate Ulyaoth into
his theory on the collective unconscious, How Maslow would think about his theories of Self-actualization in contrast to Mantorok, How the rats in the Oublie Cathedral would affect Woodman's opinions of-

Alex: Yeah, we get it. You're a psychologist- or are you a psychiatrist? It keeps changing.

(The scene starts with Edward Roivas gathering up keys to the study clock which his predecessor removed and hid in tomes that they scattered around the house, which begs the question: What is this family's obsession with hiding various everyday implements in obscure locations? At first I thought it was a gameplay mechanic, but now I'm really wondering. Meanwhile, Max's ghost appears to Edward)

Max: Hey, I'm the guy who went insane and crap a couple chapters ago. I need you to finish what I started. Change the clock to 3:33 and all will be made clear.

(Edward does so. He uncovers his ancestral Cavalry Sabre, ancestral Tome and ancestral lots of dust that's been there since colonial times)

Edward: So, I guess I'd better make my way down to the basement. Seeing as how this is my own house, that should prove to be a simple enough task.

(A vampire comes out of nowhere, and kills a maid as Edward enters the room)

Edward: <GASP> A Boss that has no plot explanation whatsoever. We're not even sure that this Vampire has anything to do with the events of this game.

Pious: Seriously, the vampire is just an experimental Soviet bioweapon gone wrong. It also likes to eat keys and posseses the power to...

go...

through...

doors!

Edward: NO! That's impossible! No video game enemy has ever been able to do that.

Vampire: BLARG! I'm going upstairs.

Edward: What a sick freak of nature. I'm putting an end to this.

(Edward goes up and saves a servant from the vampire. He thanks him and gives him several shotgun shells and a gun cabinet key)

Edward: Where did you get this?

Servant: You pay us in ammunition.

Edward: Oh, right.
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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#46ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 3/2/2009 2:39:37 PM
(Edward goes down into the basement and kills the vampire. He then finds more ammunition, a Browning .50 Caliber Machinegun, 2 Desert Eagles, an AK-47 and an M252 Heavy Mortar)

Disclaimer: This is hardly an exaggeration. You have more weapons ammunition in this level than a single person could hold without specialized carrying equipment.

Edward: So after 9 chapters of ranged weaponry being scarce or non-existent, they now give me several guns, each with more ammunition than I could possibly use up by expected means. What am I supposed to do with this?

(Edward, ventures into the ruins of Ehn'Gha. He is greeted by 2 Horrors and a Guardian)

Guardian: This chapter is going to be awesome.

(Sorry about the short post. My post was exactly 100 characters too long.)
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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
#47Shining_BassPosted 3/2/2009 6:42:41 PM
Lolz, you need to do a Let's Play or get a good animator and put this on Newgrounds or Youtube or something like that!
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I kill you for Klondike bar!
#48G_gglypuffPosted 3/3/2009 4:11:25 AM
^ I think it would be nice if someone would illustrate these. I'd be specially pleased to see the badger/bathtub scene and some other I forgot about because I read long ago.
#49AzadielPosted 3/3/2009 7:15:09 AM
You have a point, CS.

However, I *love* that Ithaca Model A shotgun Edward gets. Once, I had it enchanted, and unloaded both barrels on a Horror at point-blank range.

And removed two heads and one arm.

That gun is sweet. And doesn't knock you on your ass.
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[Complicated pictogram]
#50ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 3/3/2009 8:11:49 PM
Edward: Let's do this thing.

Guardian: Really, nothing original?

Edward: I'll have what she's having.

Guardian: You weren't even trying.

Edward: Fine... There's a passage I got memorized: Proverbs 26:18; Like a madman shooting forth deadly projectiles is a man who decieves his neighbour and says 'I was only joking'

Guardian: That was just a blatant ripoff that anyone here born before 1995 immediately got. You can do better can't you.

Edward: Yeah... Besides... I was only joking!

(Edward takes out the Shotgun and Elephant Gun and fires them both at once. The Guardian and both Horrors are destroyed by the sheer ownage)

Edward: And now for anti-climactic reloading.

(Edward reloads and re-enchants both weapons, a process that takes longer than the previous battle)

Edward: So what does this do?

(Edward presses a panel and makes a magickal rune appear on a screen)

Edward: Oh, I get it, I'm supposed to cast a spell using all of these runes... I wonder what happens if I try something ridiculous like Enchant Item.

(Edward changes all of the runes so that the city casts a 9-point Enchant Item on the Elephant Gun. The sheer power of this weapon will eventually result in the Soviet Union resigning from the Cold War)

Edward: Heh, this is freaking sweet. But I guess I should focus on the task at hand.

(Edward sets up the runes so that the device casts a Magickal Attack spell)

Edward: Alright, Time to blow up the city... Something isn't right... Something should've happened by now.

Max's Ghost: You're supposed to cast Dispel Magick, not Magickal Attack.

Edward: What?! Oh, great job Silicon Knights! You make the best game ever and ruin it with something really, really stupid. It specifically said I needed to "destroy" the city, not "disenchant" it. What, are there Damage fields in every square inch of the place?

Max: It's funny you should mention that because there's a Guardian in a room up ahead that enjoys casting Damage Field alot, I mean alot!

Edward: Just shut up. Fine, I'll do it.

(Edward sets up the runes again. The city starts shaking)

Edward: So the city is about to explode, but I'm probably safe because there isn't a timer. Remember, if there isn't a timer in the upper-left corner of the screen, you're safe.

(Edward goes up to the balcony overlooking the city. There is a huge freaking explosion and you get to see a huge army of monsters destroyed)

Edward: Not that I'm complaining, but where were those monsters when I was infiltrating the place?
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Brian: Who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.