Eternal Darkness: The Abridged Series

#71ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 4/14/2009 8:31:05 PM
(After several fights in which Alex deliberately gets sucked into the trapper realm and cleanses it of monsters)

Alex: Alright, The runes are set up so that I can summon Xel'lotath at a moments notice. It's time to face down Pious for once and for all.

(Alex steps into the portal and appears in front of Pious)

Pious: You are here just in time to get owned by Ulyaoth.

Alex: Not so fast, people have opposed you for 1000 years, and thanks to the efforts of about half of them, now I can stop you. Which reminds you, what is Ulyaoth's motives for being summoned? Why does he want to annihilate humanity?

Pious: The Ancients lack any human morality and could do so easily.

Alex: Yeah, but that's not a reason to destroy us, just lack of a reason not to.

Pious: The only thing they feel is Sadism?

Alex: Sadism -derived from the concept of afflicting pain to others- can't exist without understanding pain, and therefore morality as a prerequisite.

Pious: Ok... Yeah, Ulyaoth, you need to explain your motives.

Ulyaoth: If I did that, your brains would explode.

Alex:....

....

....

....Reasonable enough

(Alex and Pious prepare for battle in epic looking stances, and then Alex starts repeatedly throwing the enchanted gladius at him)

Pious: Awww, hey! That's Anti-climactic!

(Pious simultaneously summons his healing artifact, and Ulyaoth)

Ulyaoth: ****! YES! I can finally stretch my various appendages. Now for generic destruction.

(Alex summons Xelot'tath near Ulyaoth)

Ulyaoth: Wait, a cult of hundreds plans and prepares for 2000 years to summon me, and you decide to summon Xelot'tath in a couple seconds on a whim?

Alex: Yeah, we just used a simple 9-point spell. Pious does tons of those, right?

(Ulyaoth glares at Pious)

Pious: sorry...

Ulyaoth: "It's worth a shot" I said, "How would it hurt to try?" I said... Forget it, let;s just do this.

(Pious and Alex charge eachother parallel to Ulyaoth and Xelot'tath in an EXTREMELY EPIC FASHION!)
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"I'll get wood! ...From the tree! TREE wood!!" - Sagi, Baten Kaitos
#72UilnslcoapPosted 4/18/2009 12:27:03 AM
Heh heh, the 9-point spell bit made the whole wait worthwhile.
#73ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 4/18/2009 5:49:04 PM
Pious: You insolent fool! Don't you understand how great my mastery of the arcane arts is? I wield enough power in a single finger to-

(Alex starts whipping the Enchanted Gladius at Pious, over and over and over again)

Pious: Stop- augh- doing- sonofa- that to- AUGH! Forget trying to win a straight fight; Ulyaoth, how about some artillery support!

Alex: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?... FU-

(Alex narrowly sidesteps a huge bolt of blue energy. Seriously, why does this not happen during the actual fight? It would be epic)

Pious: I have summoned an avatar that can heal me. Now there's nothing you can do to-

(Alex whips the Gladius at the avatar and destroys it)

Alex: And now I will destroy you and have m-

Ellia: -y revenge.

Pious: Nice cut.

(All of the Eternal Darkness characters that have died come back to land a devastating blow against Pious, except Edward, for the sole reason that if he did any more badass stuff the universe would implode)

Pious: Now what happens?

Ulyaoth: Pious, assist me in battle.

Pious: At once!

(Pious casts a 9-point magickal attack spell. A gigantic flurry of energy rips through space. The screen pans outwards to show a tiny spark bounce of Xelot'tath)

Pious: Yeah, I'm screwed.

(Both Alex and Xelot'tath finish off their opponents simultaneously.)

Alex: And now the world is safe because Xelot'ta-

....

....

....

....

....

....Crap.

(Alex has a series of clips in her head that reveal nothing becausethe cutscene is too fast)

Alex: Yeah, if you want to catch all that, you need to see it on youtube.

Edward: Well I'm glad at least ONE of us had a plan for this! Can you imagine if I wasn't here?!

(Edward seals Xelot'tath back into Space-Time. Because he did another bad-ass thing, the universe implodes)

Alex: Will we ever see from the other ancients again?

Edward: I'm sure they got wiped from existence in another timeline.

Alex:...What?

FIN
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"I'll get wood! ...From the tree! TREE wood!!" - Sagi, Baten Kaitos
#74Shining_BassPosted 4/18/2009 8:29:52 PM
*Begins slow clap*
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[This sig was deleted at the request of Sho Minamimoto]
#75ExcaliburPosted 4/19/2009 12:48:08 AM
YES
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A barrel roll would be unnecessary and dangerous.
#76UilnslcoapPosted 4/20/2009 1:15:38 PM
Well-played, and thank you.
#77Tucker_BAPosted 4/23/2009 2:43:21 PM
Obligatory:
Mantorok: JUST AS PLANNED.
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Brawl FC: 1848-1425-1927
Just wanna have some fun!
#78ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 4/23/2009 8:48:22 PM
Yes! Also: Now what?
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"I'll get wood! ...From the tree! TREE wood!!" - Sagi, Baten Kaitos
#79Inmate 4251Posted 4/28/2009 9:48:00 AM
hmmm....Abridged Versions of the Alternate paths!.... >_>
or maybe.... Abridged Versions of other games
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There's no I in TEAM but there's a ME, and there's no I in TEAMWORK but there's an EWOK. Zorak
#80ChaosSamus(Topic Creator)Posted 4/28/2009 1:44:37 PM
I'll definitely do EDII when it comes out.
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"I'll get wood! ...From the tree! TREE wood!!" - Sagi, Baten Kaitos