A Day At The Square Enix Office: 7 A.M.
As dawn floods into the crystalline lobby of the Shinjuku Bunka Quint Building, sunlight as yellow as a Chocobo's feathers bounces off the white marble. A woman dressed in x-rated Chocobo plumage is seen wandering around the halls, seemingly trying to sell her wares. Wada and Toriyama stumble drunkenly into the first floor lobby of the Square Enix building. The feathered harlot flaps her wings, as if to fly, towards the inebriated duo.
Wada: "Ohhh...my head," he said massaging his temples and leaning against a fancy marble pillar holding up the Square Enix building.
Toriyama: "Did we get any work done yesterday? I feel like I fell into the Lifestream."
Wada: "You mean did YOU get any work done yesterday. I just deal with the financial side of stuff. You're supposed to be making the games."
Toriyama: "Let me check my notes..." fumbling around with a small notepad, Toriyama flipped through empty page after empty page. "Aw, poop!"
Wada: "I don't need this right now. I have a meeting with the shareholders' wives in an hour. I'm leaving you in charge of game development for the day. Don't bother me for the rest of the day."
Toriyama: "But sir...I can't be in charge of everything mys-"
Wada: "JUST DO IT!" Wada wiped a bit of the dried blood from his nose.
Toriyama: "Well, Motomu. Looks like it's up to you to save SE again." Pressing the button with the Chocobo emblem in the elevator, Toriyama sought out the help of other big name SE employees. Ducking into the bathroom stealthily, he turned on the frigid water, dunked his head under it and looked at himself in the mirror.
Under fluorescent lighting, he saw every flaw amplified, every wrinkle and every mistake in his life. Taking out a small plastic baggie and his cellphone (it had a cute little Moomba charm tied to it btw), Toriyama began crushing up the white powder inside the baggie. He poured a generous amount of the elixir onto a toilet seat. Toriyama took out a crisp $100 from his shirt pocket (he was unsure as to why he had American money on him) and snorted the magical powder up his nasal chute.
"Teehee, HP restored!"
With newfound energy, he burst into the 1st Production Dept. on Floor 10 of the Square Enix building & saw Nomura & Amano, deep in thought, sprawled out on the floor looking over concept art of their newest protagonist. Every Tuesday, Amano dropped by to salvage the remains of SE as best he could.
Nomura: "Well, well, well. look who decided to show up to work today.
Toriyama: "ALRIGHT *****ES! WADA PUT ME IN CHARGE. Drop everything you're doing. We're making another FF13 sequel & this time it'll be good!"
Ito: "We're kinda working on FF15 storyboards right now, bro. Go bother the marketing dept."
Toriyama: "Where the **** is Sakaguchi?! Why isn't he in yet?"
Amano: "Dude, Sakaguchi left this hellhole years ago. Have you been drinking again?..."
Toriyama: "Oh...I'm sorry guys. I just miss him a lot. It's been hard since he left, you know? Things between me and Light haven't been going to well." a small tear trickled down Toriyama's cheek. "I guess I better check on Lightning. Heh...hehe....HEHEHEHE." noticeably strung out, Toriyama sat down right where he was standing & fell asleep in front of the elevator door. As he drifted off into slumber, Motomu mumbled something about Time Kompression.
Amano: "You guys don't pay me enough to keep hanging around here. Let's get some work done now."
lol oh man...
"Dyin' is easy. It's the livin' that's hard..." Grim Reaper, Maximo vs. The Army of Zin
This is the best post I've read in a while.
It's old, but it's so hard to not laugh reading it.
Regrets are just a way for the foolish and the guilty to pass the time. - Cho Hakkai
thank you, saved to favorites, i read this long ago but closed the window by accident
The AEFTFDBFS battle system is the best thing ever
Any product from Motoumo Toriyama to his fans was made out of greed with lack of passion.
The dude wrote for Mindjack for gods sake!!!
Dude, are you an insider?! That sounds sooo accurate.
I love your characterisation of Amano.
FRIDAY, JULY 9, 2010
Whoever wrote that was psychic :o
Approximately an hour had gone by in the dungeon known as Square Enix headquarters since Toriyama passed out from exhaustion. A small trail of spittle collected around his mouth and he lay in his own drool, showcasing his remarkable genius to everyone. Amano, Ito and Nomura had been diligently working on various aspects of Square Enix's upcoming and highly anticipated titles - FF15 & Versus 13. Without the roadblocks known as Wada and Toriyama, the trio managed to come up with a few storyboards for Versus and some concept artwork for FF15. Nomura hoped his storyboard would translate well into the physical development of the game and came up with a Mako Reactor among a snowy mountain type area for Versus. Nomura initially planned to send off his storyboards to Development, but figured he should double check with Wada beforehand, as his boss had a tendency to red tape any semblance of ingenuity if it meant a minuscule loss in profit. He'd ask Toriyama, but figured he should let SE's token infant sleep a bit more. The trio gathered their documents and took the elevator to the 50th Floor - Boss Wada's Office of Important Business Decisions. That was the title inscribed on the door.
As Nomura knocked thrice on the mahogany door, he received no answer or indication not to go in. Usually, Wada's office was closed and permanently off limits. In many ways, Square Enix was a self-governing entity that relied on the often poor judgment of the lesser employees due to Wada being unavailable most days of the week. His daily "shareholder meetings" took up a substantial portion of the company's time.
AMANO: "Dude, when was the last time that nutsack even SAW a Final Fantasy game?"
NOMURA: "Shhh, he'll hear you. FFX. I faxed him some Lulu concept art and he approved it. Even called me brilliant."
AMANO: "Goddamn this company sucks."
ITO: "I was working on FF12 and he told me "good job" once, and I was all "thanks, brah" but I'm not sure if he was speaking directly to me or the female shareholder that was leaving his office.
The trio awaited a response from behind the door. A muffled speech could be heard, but they were unable to make out any words.
NOMURA: "Knock again?" Nomula said as he checked himself out in the reflection of his cellphone. He made a mental note to apply more hairspray as soon as he got to the bathroom. They pressed their ears against Wada's office door & heard a struggle.
ITO: "Hearken, mine fellow employees! Doth not soundeth like our tyrannical boss art in troubleth?"
AMANO: "This isn't Ivalice, speak in English dude."
ITO: "Oh, my bad. It sounds like Wada is struggling in there. Open the door now!"
AMANO: "I'm not going in, homegirl. You go in first. I don't even work here anymore technically."
NOMURA: "Whatever! I'll go in." Kicking the door down all slow-motion like, Nomura entered & the duo followed suit. The sight they witnessed, astounded & disgusted the men.
Therein, sprawled across his desk and completely butt ass naked, Wada was restrained with belts and zippers. Belts of all shapes and sizes bound his arms and legs to the desk & he was unable to escape. 4 female shareholders, each curiously dressed as Lightning, were running a Chocobo feather across Wada's bare chest and feet. All manner of perverse purple toys, spent Potion bottles and Bacchus's Wine littered the floor, creating a safety hazard for the perky-breasted cosplaying "shareholders."
His underwear, stained yellow from years of abuse, was haphazardly thrown onto a lampshade. It had tiny little Chocobo prints on it. Wada, obviously intoxicated and dazed, did not notice the trio barge into his unlocked chambers.
NOMURA: "Oh my! Maester Wada-san! What's going on here?! Are those MY belts?!"
WADA: "GET OUT YOU IMBECILES! GET THE *** OUT NOW! YOU SAW NOTHING! his eyes, visibly dilated, were like black pools that drowned the room in raw sexual frustration and anger. Wada attempted to stand in order to close the door & push his three curious employees out, but the square President was tied down much too tight by the vine of leather belts.
As embarrassment flooded Wada, he made himself a promise - he would ruin Nomura. He would do everything in his power and prowess to ensure Nomura's time at Square Enix would be filled with misery and woe. Being the shrewd businessman he is, Wada uttered the words "Versus...you shall never see the light of day. You will pay for this...NOMMMMURRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
Wada's scream reverberated all throughout the building and shook the marble pillars, as Nomura, Ito and Amano violently smash the button to call the elevator.
NOMURA: "Oh my god, I'm in such deep ****!"
AMANO: "Dude, I'm never coming back here again!"
ITO: Doth milk-livered scullion, thine reign at Square Enix shan't continue henceforth!
ITO: "That was really ****ed up. Bro, we should tell someone.
The trio flooded into the elevator and immediately pressed the "close door" button. Gasping for air and wrought with adrenaline, they took a moment to catch their breath and took the elevator down to the lobby. In a moment of weakness, Nomura collapsed to the ground in tears.
NOMURA: "I'm SO dead. What the hell am I gonna do guys?! I can't face him after that. Those were the belts I was planning to use for Noctis's costume. They weren't even mine, we borrowed them from Roen!"
AMANO: "Get a hold of yourself man. I know someone who can help us."
ITO: "You don't mean..."
AMANO: "Yes. He's never steered us wrong yet. Amano cautiously led Ito & Nomura out of the lobby, past Chocolina who was still pacing around the lobby, flashing visitors her privates."