""Undercover" would indicate some subtlety"

Okay, so I've already said that by and large the company Irem isn't that great, right? Well, here's one of their products that actually doesn't quite suck as much as everything else they've seemed to spew forth. I bring you, Undercover Cops; a side-scrolling beat-em-up that involves people who are neither undercover, nor cops, and has an enemy that looks suspiciously like Tommy Chong. I'm IN!

Anyway, with a few exceptions, UC doesn't have all that much to separate itself from all the other bash-fests that polluted the arcades during this time. You get three characters to chose from, cosmetically different but otherwise pretty much the same; a kung-fu guy, an ex-football player, and some girl who's jump kick is actually a flying ass-ram. Yes, that's right; she turns around in mid-air and bashes people with her butt-cheeks. Now there's something you don't see every day. Anyhow, each of these "Street Sweepers" has a different reason for wanting to clean up the streets, running from the predictable I'm-so-awesome-only-I-can-save-the-day to somebody-killed-my-boyfriend-and-now-they're-gonna-pay.

The controls are straight-forward and uncomplicated. One button punch-combos, the other jumps. Hitting both at once will allow you to perform a special move that knocks the crap out of anyone around you at the sacrifice of some of your health. The weapons you get to play with are a bit of a deviation from the norm; sometimes you get to heave motorcycles and a freakin' HUMMER at your foes. But mostly what you'll run into are metal I-beams and stone pillars that break as you whomp on people with them.

There are some awfully strange things about this game, starting with the freaks and weirdos that are apparently making life in your city hell for everyone. We've got cyborgs, mole-men, baseball bat-toting big guys, scantily clad women who hop around on one leg, and of course, Tommy Chong who likes to attack with a slide kick. The bosses get stranger yet, from a fat woman with what looks like a jack hammer to a metal-clawed miscreant named (I'm not kidding) "Cone Head". Just how seriously am I supposed to take someone named after a Saturday Night Live skit? Is he from France?

Anyhow, general fighting in UC is actually a bit reminiscent of Final Fight. There can be a lot of enemies on the screen at once, and each has a different attack pattern. You need to be able to institute effective crowd control if you want to survive. The boss battles are marred a bit by some cheap shots that sometimes seem like they really shouldn't have happened, but I'd say that's par for the genre and the time this game was released.

I'd say the most disturbing aspect of UC are the health pick-ups. This game has a VERY bizarre sense of what might be good for your character. While there are the predictable steaks, brown-bag lunches, and hamburgers to replenish your life, expect most of your healing items to come in the form of live animals that you have to chase down. I've seen fish, lobsters, chickens, a pig, MICE AND SNAILS. And when you grab these items, your character lets out a satisfied sounding "Mmmmmm!" Creepy.

Graphically, UC's not a bad title. The backgrounds are pleasing to look at, the characters are large and well-detailed (though a tad on the pixilated side) and the animation is actually very good. Most of your moves are at least three frames, as are most of your enemies, and the walk-cycles for anything that shows up for a beating are all smooth and fluid.

There are some incredibly annoying vocal effects here that you'll have to deal with, especially when the fat woman starts crying. Also, the music isn't all that bad, but it's not very memorable either.

All and all though, UC's just another beat-em-up in a sea of beat-em-ups. It's only got a few tricks up its sleeves, mostly graphical, that seperate it from the rest of the pack. Chances are you've played something similar, if not identical before, so there's really nothing new here. Move along.

Reviewer's Score: 5/10, Originally Posted: 07/19/06