"Don't punch 'til you see the yellows of their eyes!"

Before Mortal Kombat, Punch-Out!! put together fun and rivalry and melodramatic knockdowns. Without all that messy blood. Well, without all the resolution, too, but despite my aversion to boxing I got a feel of what the sport could be like at its best. The dancing around, the opponent's misplaced punch that leads to a crushing combination, and finding that special antidote to a vicious attack. And battering your opponent so heavily that you tip the knockout meter and can use the vicious uppercut or hook.

Through this there's a story of a thinly drawn boxer who wants to become a real--not just a green wire frame that's necessary so you can see what's going on, how his opponent attacks. He's got the basic moves--but the others seem more substantial. There are six grouches to beat up, each with a different vulnerability to your left and right jabs and body blows. They progressively wise up to what you do and test your reflexes--how to avoid their attacks--until Mr. Sandman, the champ, is only vulnerable after throwing a nasty punch, and if you tried beating him exclusively with the more effective left and right jabs, a flick of his bright yellow gloves, or the long-winded yet irresistible uppercut, sends you crashing in humiliating fashion. As for two knockout punches in a row: the champ doesn't stand for that.

But the folks you have to beat to get to him are all lovably ornery, at least, once you know how to clean their clocks. They're an interesting international collection, parodying the stereotypes and never seeming hateful, but you know they're out to get you. Glass Joe is the first, and as long as you keep punching and mixing up the punches, he goes down pretty quickly. You wonder what he's doing at #9 in the world. Piston Hurricane(#7,) from Havana, Cuba, is sort of like the evil Russian in Rocky only from a different Commie land, and he may land several punches in a row if you don't know how to block correctly. But he too goes down under the correct flurry of blows.

Then come the heavy hitters. Bald Bull(#5) is a pointy-headed fatso who has a vicious left that can floor you. He comes jumping at you, but you can turn the tables spectacularly if you time your counter-punch. Kid Quick(#3) suddenly decides to throw a lot of punches if you give him the upper hand, and you're under the illusion you can duck, but you can't. Then there's Pizza Pasta(#2,) the walleyed pedant in the downslide of his career. But he's powerful, and he cheats. Again you can turn this on him. After wiping out all six, you go to a blue-gloves circuit where any mistake you make is nastily punished, but just the first six fights should have your adrenaline rushing.

There's all the pageantry you come to expect from boxing without all the dancing around and the trash talk before hand, too. Just six punches and the ability to block and duck. And although some of the fighters have stereotypical weak spots that make the fight a lot easier if randomly triggered, they tend to get very nasty after two knock-downs. Which can be maddening when you think you've pitched a perfect game but haven't mixed your punches up enough.

But despite not having many different moves, or even distinctive noises, the boxers have definite personality. Glass Joe's ineffective run-up move and waiting for the inevitable is tragicomic, while Piston Hurricane affords great laughs if you can sock him in the gut as he's winding up. Bald Bull's dancing and dropping his guard, and overreach as he tries to club you with a big punch, rend his crashing to the canvas that much more thrilling. It's the boxing version of a cartoon character swinging at a ball with one foot in the air. And the look of shock on an enemy's face as you paste him with three rights in a row tells you--he's about to go down.

Which is the best part of the game. How will your opponent crash to the turf? None of the options gets old. Perhaps a 1440 degree spin, or freezing at 45 degrees above canvas level before crashing, or sitting back rapidly into that end-of-round ringside chair that isn't there. Which is all the more satisfying when you club an opponent on rematch--he went and laughed in your face, badly magnified sprites and all, with the announcer egging him on. But you got him back. With the announcer's beautifully drawn-out 'Ho-ok!' and the tingly squash when your punch connects. The next time, you don't have to put up with your opponent running to his corner and tap dancing on his color coordinates gym shoes.

At some point Punch-Out!! becomes a balance between opposing moves you can't deflect and those you can easily beat back, and it's a bit random. But that doesn't dismiss the pageantry--the crowd with the flashing cameras, knowing what punch he'll throw when an opponent's eyes turn yellow, or the honking horns when the game is over. Even the pause where you drop your guard to fake out an opponent has dramatic possibility. It's a game that really pushes you--you've only got three minutes--and you have time to correct what's wrong. There's a story of coming from nowhere to be a champ, and at the same time you have to stop enemies twice knocked down from ludicrous comebacks of their own. Or of just finishing the job with the first knockdown. So I think it earns the right to have two exclamation marks in its title.

Reviewer's Score: 8/10, Originally Posted: 10/25/00, Updated 08/02/04