Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

"Get in the van! It's fun, I promise!"

Pop star. Dancing guy. International phenomenon. Michael Jackson was all of these things and more in the eighties, ending up one of the most successful pop icons in history. The Sega-developed arcade game, based on his likeness and called Moonwalker, is one quaint item that stands as an interesting testament to just how huge Jackson was. Sure, we have the likes of Mary Kate and Ashley Paint Their Toenails and BRITTNEY SPEARS 2 TRU FOR U DANCE BEAT YO today, but I have never heard of any game other than Moonwalker published in the eighties or early nineties that featured a non-sports popular culture personality in a similar way. I personally was very young and trapped in a hillbilly microcosm at the main time of his popularity, so I don’t have a quite full understanding or appreciation of just how big Michael Jackson was, but the point is that he was big.

One can only imagine what sort of licensing arrangements might have gone on between Sega and the proprietors of Jackson’s valuable name and image, but the story seems to have ended with Sega developing a Michael Jackson arcade game. Sega took that opportunity to create a top-down brawler that has got to be one of the most frighteningly hilarious video games in history. And since it was Sega, it just so happens that the game hidden beneath all the kooky licensing wasn’t half bad either. But the gameplay definitely plays second fiddle to the outrageous assault on your funny bone in the case of Moonwalker.

A California Cheeseburger (might be the more stomach-able explanation)

The game is set up rather… interestingly. Some cackling madman named “Mr. Big” has captured dozens of children and forced them to cower in corners at various places throughout the game. As Michael, the small child’s version of Jesus, you’ve got to walk up to them and give them the courage to run away to presumable freedom. But it’s not easy, as Mr. Big’s syndicate of well-dressed cohorts and underlings, as well as a legion of robots, are all out to stop you. So what’s a Michael to do? Obviously, he has no choice but to shoot blue flames from his hands. This is your normal attack. The game features a charge attack to augment this, adding an element of timing strategy. As Michael charges his flame, he performs his infamous “moonwalk” maneuver, throwing off his adversaries, until BAM! He swings around and unleashes a much longer projectile shot of blue fire. Michael doesn’t jump, but no beat-’em-up would be complete without a super attack. In Michael’s case, the super attack is a dance. As he busts out some of his trademark moves, all the enemies on the screen (even the robots) just can’t help but to submit to his hot rhythm and join in, at which point Michael unleashes his funky wrath, which is usually something to the effect of lightning bolts falling from the sky and instantly killing all the non-boss enemies in range. Lastly, if Michael comes into contact with any wandering monkeys, he is instantaneously transformed into Mecha-Michael, a moonwalkin’ robot with a chrome exoskeleton that shoots lasers from its hands. And no, for those of you who haven’t played the game, this isn’t a joke review.

At the end of each area awaits a boss, which serves as the customary break in the tedium of fighting the same enemies from level to level. The bosses actually feature reasonably dodgeable attacks, and this alone places Moonwalker a step ahead of the bulk of shameless quarter-sucking arcade brawlers that dominated the genre in those days. You can actually have fun without feeling too frustrated or worrying about running to the corner to quickly change another dollar into coins while playing this game. Defeating a boss nets you a large bounty of kids (usually about five), followed by a comic-book style cut-scene introducing the next stage, complete with Mr. Big holding a kid in a headlock and Michael defiantly crying out “Waaaah-ooow!” In this way the game is pretty straightforward, with each short level featuring a fun boss and a total of about eight kids. And for what it’s worth, either the “rumors” are true, or Michael’s a Scientologist; in any case, it looks like he has something other than “rescue” in mind while hoarding the poor kids into the back of a van at the end of stage two, as the screen cuts to black just in time to give the impression of a knowing grin…

Now what was it that “really drives you insane?”

The graphics in Moonwalker are standard for the time. Michael’s dancing animations were obviously one of the top priorities with the developers as far as graphics go, as most everything else is passable but bland. The non-Michael characters in particular are relatively small and un-detailed compared to some of the really good-looking titles it was competing with, but it makes up for most of that in the “zany personality” department. The game starts out cute and weird, moves on to goofy and campy, and eventually has some outright disturbing imagery that seems to dare you to believe that the developers were “serious”. The zombies are kinda out of place, but what I’m mainly referring to are the two-legged robots that wield what appears to be a huge, spring-loaded phallus and continuously ram you with pelvic thrusts of said phallus. But on a purely technical level you’re not going to find anything noteworthy in the way of graphics in Moonwalker. As for what is drawn, I’d suggest seeing for yourself.

Who’s bad?

The audio is where this game gets lazy. Naturally, each stage features one of Jackson’s hit songs, but it is immediately glaring that they don’t take well to vanilla midi translations. Once you strip away the synth-pop and squealing vocals, you’re left with music that sounds forced at best. And of course the sound effects don’t dare take the spotlight away from the tunes, which are probably the cornerstone of the licensing agreement, and their number as well can probably be easily counted on the fingers of the three people it takes to fill up the Moonwalker cabinet. The only thing that really stands out is Michael’s over-exaggerated squeals and yelps, which are an integral part of the campy experience that I am thesis-ing to be the main attraction of this game.

And on that note, let me reprise: there’s not really much to stick around for in Moonwalker than the laughs. The game is moderately fun, but there are dozens of other games just like it. But this game manages to be extremely unique due to (or perhaps in spite of?) the rare pop star license it features. This uniqueness is the reason I recommend searching out and experiencing the laugh riot that is Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker for yourself. Woooh-hooo!

Note: Lazily fighting a loosing battle with the number of hours of sleep I had left tonight, I rushed through my section headers by referencing movies and television. If you (hi, RotD-er) can name them both, you’ll when an all-expense-paid trip to Santa Claus Island!

Reviewer's Score: 6/10, Originally Posted: 02/12/03, Updated 02/12/03