King of the Monsters 2: The Next Thing

"Not even Gamera could save this game!"

I hate nearly everything about this game, from the lame attempt at a fighting engine to the ludicrous difficulty to its laughably bad name; but I'll be damned if I don't feel genuine affection for it. My emotions haven't been as hopelessly knotted up since I watched the last episode of Seinfeld. On a totally unrelated note, the first King of the Monsters was almost as bad as its sequel, King of the Monsters 2: The Next Thing. It played like the product of a back-alley laboratory experiment where Rampage and Final Fight were fused together with a soldering iron. You had to beat the tar out of other monsters for control of the planet, and you got to trample bustling cities to fine dust just for ''fun''. Thanks to an almost vertical learning curve and the most dishonourable bosses I've ever seen, it was one of the worst games I'd ever played, but it had a tangible sense of style and a workable concept that was spectacularly deep-sixed by the staggering incompetence of its developers.

King of the Monsters must have been pretty damned popular in Japan, because a sequel was crapped out just a year later to the thundrous fanfare Stateside from two guys in Bilge Canyon, Montana. Apparently the Japanese couldn't tell the difference between this and Streets of Rage, thusly demand was high to match the rousing success of the original classic! Fans wanted their stupendously cheap bosses, now they're twice as cheap! Fans liked trouncing still-life cities, now they're back and totally rebuilt! Fans wanted to waste weeks of their salaries trying to negotiate tough challenges, now they're motivated to throw away twice that! Fans wanted... ah, sod it, King of the Monsters 2 is just warmed-over ideas from the original with all the annoying gameplay elements accentuated even more. What were once mere annoyances are now omnipresent, begging you to clench your fists and shout ''Goddamn, that's annoying as all hell!''

After the infamous bloodbath of 1996, which resulted in the untimely deaths of five hulking genetic freaks through fixed wrestling matches waged in Japanese towns, we are told that there are three survivors. There were only six combatants in the first KOTM, so that means that either SNK is lying to us or, in fact, there is only one genuine survivor and the other two were asleep when the main six were getting killed. The only ''monster'' in both games is the 500-foot-tall Atomic Guy, wearing a Mercurian helmet (complete with wings) and spandex. No, I'm not kidding, that's his real name. I'd imagine he'd have to special-order his costume from the Big N' Tall store.

The two newbies who were making out when they should have been fighting come in the forms of a Godzilla-esque giant lizard and a Rock-'Em-Sock-'Em Robot whose bulk has been drastically enflamed. Super Geon and Cyber Woo, respectively, are the two other quasi-survivors who have decided to coexist peacefully with the haughty Atomic Guy, aside from the occasional flagpoling of his underpants. Compared to the animated mounds of green glop, the hulking scarecrows, and Lava Man ripoffs who made rather slow-paced war in the first installment, I actually prefer the lack of continuity. Perhaps two of those buttinskies looked at their reflection in an industrial-sized mirror and had debilitating strokes. The crew has been able to live like this for three years, in some super-secret lair where all monsters thrive.

1999 heralds the arrival of alien life on Earth in the form of a being known as ''Famardy'', whose identity is shrouded in mystery; his emissary, a disembodied brain that hovers around in a bubble; and legions of Famardy's evil henchmen! It comes to no surprise to the grumpy monster roommates that Famardy doesn't plan on opening an interstellar trade route -- he wants the planet for himself!!! As hapless Earthlings are glued to their seats with fear, the beasts elect to take action with a thrilling off-screen belching contest.

This ''Next Thing'' could very well decide the fate of the World As We Know It, and I might have taken it as seriously as SNK did had the subtitle been more affirming of the dangers at hand. A ''thing'' isn't exactly the first situation I'd call in a trio of monsters to defuse; of all things it sounds trivial and meaningless. Images of Super Geon trying to ask Wombat Woman to the prom or Atomic Guy corresponding with a lusty secret admirer sprung to mind. At the very least an overblown or overused subtitle such as ''Apocalypse Of The Meek'' or ''Requiem for a Juggernaut'' would have done the job, but it's pointless to dwell on this -- King of the Monsters 2 starts off terribly and never looks back to see how far behind it's left its audience.

Level 1: American City opens up with your Monster of Choice being confronted by the Disembodied Floating Brain In A Bubble -- the monsters are told to lay off, that your attempt at insurrection is futile, and that you're a coward and a fool. Then the DFBIAB flies off in a huff. Practice what you preach, wuss! The city looks like unvarnished ass, which comes to no surprise because it's in America after all. Uniformly boxlike American architecture and drab American streets are yours to destroy, as you trounce on everything in sight. Within a few seconds I had passed landmarks which vaguely resembled the White House, the Empire State Building and a Space Shuttle launching pad (!?), all sitting in the middle of this hodge-podge monument to American excess. Merely stepping close to a building will cause the screen to shake and make some orange stuff go everywhere. I guess that's supposed to be an explosion.

Americaville has already been occupied by one of Famardy's goons, the leering Huge Frogger, who looks like a bipedal Komodo Dragon wearing one of those fifty-pound VR helmets, or a Virtual Boy headset. ''Hah! I'm gonna cut this guy up like tofu!'' I vowed as my character took his time lumbering over, and I watched his ass sway back and forth as if he were trying to seduce the evil Frogger. The control scheme was simple enough to fit on a sticker below the screen: A - Punch. B - Kick. C - Jump. Press A or B while near an enemy and you'll do a ''Wrestling Move''. With these committed to memory, I proceeded to make the first move against my opponent.

CRAKK!! With the press of a single button, I grabbed Frogger by the waist and flipped him over my back into a skyscraper hundreds of feet in the distance. The impact caused it to ''collapse'' virtually on top of him, and I was grinning at how easy this was. While that would have killed any real monster, he just dusted himself off and renewed his assault. I had only taken about 1/8th of his life away, and before I could counter, my character was then lifted up like a barbell and rammed into Frogger's beefy shoulders. Such a move would have fractured anyone's spine, and as I fell off like a limp ventriloquist's dummy, I noticed that HALF MY HEALTH WAS GONE. Yes, my six health bars were knocked away effortlessly by this deranged, cackling fiend; as this ugly graphic appeared telling me to hammer the buttons as quickly as I could to get my ass up, Frogger skips over and kicked me -- WHILE I'M STILL WRITHING IN PAIN -- and laughed again. Fuelled by my own rage, I mashed the buttons like a newbie Tekken player, and my character finally took it upon himself to groggily stand. He was then socked in the face three times with Frogger's razor-sharp elbow and perished immediately. I got to watch a lengthy death animation where his skin and muscle melted away to expose the skeleton beneath, which then disintegrated into a pile big enough to bury Madison Square Garden. He should have received a bloody nose at best, but the game treats every death as if millions of tons of boric acid had just fallen from the sky.

Ah, the power of the Quarter. My dude was resurrected immediately, and I took the opportunity to knee Frogger in the face a few times before he executed a slide tackle with one frame of animation. I fell on my ass, but of course I couldn't get up again -- I had to mash those buttons like I was playing Last Blade II -- and after much effort on my behalf I was hoisted up and had my spine shattered again. I stood, we faced each other and began clawing at each other like preppies in a schooyard fight. If you don't mash the buttons quickly enough, you'll be grabbed and have your back broken. What fun! Odds are, Frogger will obligingly wolf down your first credits and then heckle you for doing it. Keep in mind that this is the FIRST ENEMY IN THE GAME and it'll take more than one credit to bring him down. This is obscenely difficult. All the more puncutated with a throbbing soundtrack which consists entirely of dissonant chords, randomly changing rhythms and moaning. I never noticed it until I paid close attention, and it's there to be ignored.

I eventually triumphed over the wicked Huge Frogger and proceeded to FRENCH CITY, apparently by wading across the Atlantic or stowing away on a cruiseliner. Once again, Mr. DFBIAB taunts you and runs away, but this time the military is summoned (by mind control?) and wastes no time deploying expensive aircraft and armoured vehicles. Hey, I'm on your side, morons. They'll try effortlessly to damage you (but not the butt-ugly boss who lies ahead in full view), and you can utilise the game's only cool feature. As I swam through a canal, I was attacked by two submarines and put both of them out of commission with punches. Then I picked up one of the war machines and hurled it at an incoming Harrier jet, causing the first-ever midair plane/boat collision. Similarly you can pluck tall buildings from their foundations like daisies for use as projectile weapons! Millions of people may die for no good reason, but at least you'll have fun getting your ass kicked. If you stand in one place for more than three seconds, a massive, annoying icon flashes on the right, saying HURRY UP!!!!!!!!!!; this happens during the short cut-scenes too. Okay, Mr. Computer, but I can't go until you let me!

Once again, I was raped by a tall guy with a bad case of poison ivy who was able to stretch his limbs like Sagat in Street Fighter, and I depleted even less of his life when I tore the Arc de Triomphe from the ground and chucked it at his manly chest, or when I impaled him with the Eiffel Tower. Through the wreckage you might find small point bonuses or Mario-style ''?'' powerups. Most of these are bombs that explode and either kill you or place you back on the ground, which in fact is almost as useful as being a corpse. Between levels, there are the obligatory Bonus Stages where you must, you guessed it, mash the buttons as fast as possible to push someone off a high surface.

Later levels reveal even uglier characters: jumping abominations which consist of a pimply nose and hair, fleshy-looking bats, massive snails that reek of ugliness, and a boss that is essentially a vagina with teeth and legs. I wouldn't want to make any of this up, gang. These are the worst character designs I have EVER seen, period. There is no enemy that does not assert its unattractiveness with a tweak and a fart. Part of why I kept on playing this stinker was to see how outrageously hideous Famardy turned out to be.

It was worth $4.25 to see the most repulsive creature in the history of video games. Famardy, ladies and gents, looks like a cross between Prostentic Vogon Jeltz and my cousin. He is a lump of green crap with bulging eyes and a mouth full of fangs. When he opens his mouth, the head of a fetus pops out at the end of a stalk, which heaves pea soup onto your stunned fighter. He is hairy, obnoxious, and surprisingly cute. Famardy moves with the speed of a jungle cat despite his weight of approximately 6603237 tons, and I died faster than you can say ''shoulda brought a towel, chump''; but that didn't matter because I was literally on the floor laughing until some of my vital organs gave out.

The ''GAME OVER'' screen appeared, and I beheld the most delightfully bad game of all time. This is pure, unadulterated trash, yet the designers seemed to know that it was bad, which encouraged them to make it worse. Every major department fails with a certain thoroughness and it's truly a memorable disaster. It sucks as a brawler, with mindless button-mashing being the order of the day, but as something to ridicule there's truly no equal.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 07/23/03, Updated 07/23/03