"!!Easy marginally sensible anagram alert!! : bad, ugly."

My mother warned me about pretty girls who would say nice things and break my heart. Well, actually, she didn't. She said they wouldn't even say nice things, or if they did, they were lies. The warning turned out to be largely in vain. But I still got suckered by plenty that was cute and slick and charming. I was warned against video games, which were generally more subtly insulting and demanding. They only take time and quarters--and miniscule hard drive space these days(ahem.)

That doesn't stop me from feeling slightly ripped off. And coming back again--mainly because I didn't get totally ripped off, or maybe because I haven't found the outlet in a game so bad I can blow my stack with a clear conscience--against the time they waste, the unfairness I put up with so I can avoid what I don't want to do, and the realization that it is to me what reality TV is to people with even less potential than myself. Plus extended sessions leave me with ailments and nags I can't define and that generally spur me to inactive self-righteous rage against the usual straw men(it beats the whole overdone I'm not that unattractive, I've got a good heart lovesick teen whining bit.) No weird rashes that would be embarrassing if many people knew, but in my case they probably can't be bothered.

But even with video games I feel a need to vent. I wound up playing Lady Bug slightly past when I was pretty sure I was bored(I like to pretend I'm low key, which clouds my judgment)--just to verify it's not up to scratch. It's yet another game where you must gobble all the dots(well, ugly little x's here) in a maze, stripped of the usual expected advantages: no power-up pills, no tunnels, and the monsters are faster than you are. The only big advantage: swinging doors. Some walls actually swing about a central pivot, and they can block enemies, who can't push them. You can never make yourself perfectly safe, but often you can use the poison skulls as a temporary barrier. Once all four monsters are out, you can duck to the center from whence they sprang and grab one of a variety of weird vegetables to freeze the bad guys and pick up more dots on your own.

First you have to master the controls, though. You see, it's hard to make ninety degree turns in this game. Too often you'll need to do so, but your poor bug will just run into a wall and stay there. I know you're controlling an invertebrate but even those have survival instincts--can't it be a dumb bug that only stops at intersections and doesn't know why instead of one that just plops down wherever? Even the high score entry has screwy controls-you can involuntarily run over a letter twice. It makes you feel a bit frowny even if you get lots of spaces and even get to use a heart icon as LadyBug works her way through a simple maze. For that inconvenience I'd hope for smiley faces and musical notes, really.

There's also a confusing system of letter and heart dots that make up bonuses. Nothing to make you too powerful--but these dots change color in a regular rhythm. Grab a heart when it's blue and your multiplier increases for the rest of the level. Grab a yellow letter in 'E-X-T-R-A' and get closer to an extra life. Spelling a red 'SPECIAL' nets you a free game and a bizarre scene featuring a wedding--but you'll have to time things perfectly as red barely shows up. In fact the yellows are a nuisance too as the game often decides it just isn't going to show that X or T that you need for six levels. It seems to be a precursor to Mr. Do!'s system, and the rough edges are obvious.

And this is especially annoying because though the letters don't get less random, the enemies sure do. On the first level it will seem so easy--they take forever to leave the center, and then you're even faster than they are. They don't even seem interested in following you. By level eight, they'll almost be able to see you around a bend. Then if you try to run, you may be able to smack a door in their face, or flip one when they're right behind. This should push them back and even be fun, but it doesn't unless they're clearly trailing. Tough luck for you. Even tougher when you reach the vegetable to freeze your pursuers--but one has you pinned in the center, and it hardly seems fair that touching these paralyzed predators should cost you a life. In fact bad guys can step on a skull by accident and ruin your plans to reach the vegetable in the center. Nothing ever seems to work your way, and it's not the sort of game that inspires a me-versus-the-world feel.

Yet it's hard to get mad at the opponents. They're all appallingly bright, frequently with jagged legs sticking out or pulsing shells or yellow/orange color combinations. The basic crawlies are covered, but there are some with impressive pincers and boggle eyes too. You could almost eat them up, but you just don't have the power pills, so you have to settle for the icky vegetables when you can get them. Certainly they out-cute your ladybug, who looks vaguely moldy with yellow and green dots(stick to basics, dahling.) I'm not sure who felt the sound was a good idea, either. It's a constant crashing beat that is shamed by Ms. Pac-Man's more elegant rhythmic thumping.

Fortunately there are some thrills in burrowing a long passageway where monsters won't catch you any time soon, or remembering to flip several doors in succession behind you to detract pursuers. You'll probably remember getting tracked down from clear across the board, or waiting for monsters on the other side of the wall to stop bouncing back and forth--until you get exasperated, go in the open, and watch them change their tactics. That they head right for you even with poison ahead implies--they're dumb, but they can catch you, so you must be no great shakes. Even if they are twice as fast. Because you have all this defense, right?

This game hardly managed to make me hate ladybugs, but all the same I really hope there's nothing obnoxious featuring a butterfly or a squirrel or a kitten. Cute animals don't need this sort of thing. With LadyBug, There's just the feeling you're technically doing something right, but you're still getting duped by horrendously random chances. As an early game, it isn't too bad, and I suppose you're addicted for a short enough time that you can move to the next one or even to something useful. With the shoddy controls you can even pretend your gaming skills are better than they really are. But after a few games you'll get far enough to see all the bugs, and with cheats these days you can even see every vegetable. Then it's time to look for a game which allegedly manifests your talents a bit more.

Reviewer's Score: 4/10, Originally Posted: 11/05/03