Empire Earth

"OMFG. Empire Earth......SUCKS =D"

First off, the AI can suck my lollipop.

Holy crap.

My friend and I have played many games, and this is what we have found.

The AI, cheats like... chester the cheetah, god, i cant think of anybody who cheets more than this freakin computer... HE WAS ON EASY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. OK... time for proof.

Ok so we each send 10 transports each, filled with craploads of units... and Napolean freakin Bonaparte. But first... we must pass through a HUGE MOTHERTRUCKING NAVY. Ok so that might be normal... just wait. When we get through the navy, we finally reach land, which has too many towers. So we deploy our units and kill... one capitol. You ask why? You can't say we suck because the suckiest player with 400 units will kill more than one building normally... They all died because... a myriad of horses spawned out and ate everything. Right when we attacked. This had to be impossible, being that there were no trees remaining on the island after 8 hours of fighting (and they somehow kept building this stupidass navy), and NO CITIZENS GETTING RESOURCES. By the way, we won this game... by nuking the enemy like 30 times... SO MANY DEAD HORSES OH MAN. Holocaust of horsies...

The next game we played... same thing happened, except THIS TIME IT WAS WITH CANNONS. Which one is worse? Metal-eating horses, or man eating cannons. This one we didn't win, because we started to laugh our asses off too much when we saw the buttload of bronze cannons swarm us. We attacked with about 200 guys, but there must have been 300 cannons... with a unit limit of 210 (plus their navy!). Now please tell me that's complete bull(dust).

In each of the games, we took a look at the graphs. THIS IS INTERESTING. There is no record of the enemy ever making so many units! OR GATHERING ENOUGH RESOURCES TO DO SO. As soon as we attacked (and killed some of their units) we saw a HUGE SLOPE of the enemy's military size. How this is possible is beyond our comprehension. Less than what actually occured, of course. Another interesting thing is that the data showed that they had hardly even half of the resources we had in order to make our humongous armies, yet they always seemed to have a bigger one!

GO TRY YOURSELF AND LOOK AT THE DATA AT THE END. We actually had a manureload of fun doing this, because its too freakin funny. by the way, the computer was on EASY. How's a noob supposed to defeat them?

Gameplay: 4/10
Why? Because when we tried to load units onto the transports, they would start running around in circles, then the transport would wander off somewhere and get killed by a battleship. Or get eaten by a hurricane that went across the ocean. Then when deploying units... the transports start going around in circles too! Usually they die before they even deploy anything (even with about... a 5 minute opening).

Graphics: 5/10
Those female citizens are freakin sexy. We love blocks. Haha we're kidding we don't really care that the graphics aren't so good.

AI: -1241571248123801/10
Read the review.

Replay value: 10/10
This game is too much fun. You get so pissed off at how mentally sick it is, that its a party. You could play for hours on end and not even notice how much time you have spent trying to kill 50 billion horses. And a house.

See the score we gave it? We couldn't put the score we really wanted, so here it is. -3.10392812 x 10^13 out of ten.

THIS GAME SUCKS BUT ITS SO COOL. And for people who have played this game for a long time, you either know what we mean or you have used the CD as a drink coaster.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 08/28/06