"The game so bad, I nearly cried playing it"

This review is mostly borne from Gamespot's 1.0 review of the game with the same title. I just had to see how bad this game really is. This isn't just 'Zero Wing' bad. This creates its own personal realm of bad. This game is embodied suckiness. This game is now an official torture device for every government and/or terrorist group that does that sort of thing. This game is one of the punishments waiting for you in the afterlife if you've been a bad gamer. This game deserves every joke I can come up with.

Graphics

On a Geforce FX 5600...it barely even challenges the card. The environment graphics are moderately detailed, though nowhere near even mediocre quality, especially compared to today's standards. The trucks, on the other hand, look like big, gray boxes...and not the good kind. I mean the kind of boxes that you wouldn't even let fall on you to spare you from playing this game. Yes, those kinds of boxes.

Sound

Good lord...there's one audio track. One. Nothing else. No sound effects. No other music. I thought my speakers were broken at first. Even the one music track they have playing over and over and over and over and over and over (and over) sucks quite a liberal amount of ass. Though some may call me a philistine, I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

Gameplay

This'll be a short section. I'll use the time to think up a few finishing jokes. Anyway, this is basically a racing game, except you don't really race. Supposedly, you're supposed to beat your rival to the finish line to avoid being caught by the cops...except no cops ever chase you. Nor do you lose.

Here's the long and short of it: your 'rival' never moves. Seriously. You can hit the gas and tear off like a shot, never mind the fact that you're a multi-ton truck and not a foreign sports car. At first you think, ''alright, I left that guy in the dust!'' No...no, not really. He just never started. Apparently your rival likes going to jail, because he never moves from the finish line. Ever. You can even go back and try to push him along. You know what happens? You drive through him.

OH MY GOD, HE'S A GHOST TRUCK!

If I could remember the name of that ghost trucker from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, I'd make a joke about her. As it is, the game also features one of the most screwed-up physics engine I've ever seen. Just as Gamespot said, you can actually drive up nearly sheer cliff faces, and not only won't you fall off, but you can climb those things like they were a horizontal surface. Fun...for about two seconds. Then you realize there's so much out there worth your time.

Replay Value

Oof...there's a few 'races' to 'run,' but even the crappiest players will win EVERY SINGLE TIME! I even tried to lose, over and over again, until I got bored and just crossed the finish line to end it. And of course, just like All Your Base, this game has its own grammatical error that will live on as a widely used and soon-to-be-annoying catch phrase: You're Winner!

Unfortunately, after you finish all the races it gets old...and an annoying reminder that you actually spent time playing this living embodiment of crap. If this game were a horse, I'd shoot it. However, since it's just a CD, I've instead opted to fire it out of a cannon. If you'll excuse me...

KA-BOOM!

Oh my god, I killed CATS!

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 01/27/04