Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em

"My Open Palm Would Like To Have A Word With The Creator Of This Game."

Now just stop and listen to the title of this game. Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em. Just from that title, you know you are in for a treat. But not an enjoyable treat, mind you. This game, honestly, is terrible. I can easily say that this title is possibly one of the worst video games ever made. You might begin to think that I'm just game bashing, but I am not. I'm just being honest. This game is sick, and it is really not worth your time. Not to mention it's just extremely weird.

I heard about Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em in a magazine which featured the most vulgar or racy video games of all-time. The description given in the magazine was mostly blurred out due to filthy words and the picture was censored beyond recognition, as well. Of course, this made me extremely curious and the instant I read the half-censored article, I knew I had to see what it was about this game that made it so vulgar and gross.

I was thinking to myself... Atari? How can you really be THAT nasty on a simple 8-bit gaming system? I'm sure you are all wondering the same thing. I immediately went and downloaded the ROM of Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em to my computer and loaded it into my Atari 2600 Emulator. The moment the game started, by eyebrows scrunched up, my eyes widened, my jaw drops, and chills ran up and down my spine.

I'll try my best to be as conservative as I can... In Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em, there are two naked men on top a building with their man parts hanging over the edge. Apparently they are pleasuring themselves up there because they begin to constantly drop their "stuff" in the form of little droplets over the edge. There are also two naked women on the street below. They have their mouths open and they are looking up. You have to use the Atari controller to move them left and right to... well... you know. YES THEY ARE ACTUALLY DOING THAT.

Honestly, what were they thinking when they released this game? Obviously it's an adult title, but I don't think any adult would play this game and go, "Oh yeah, that's hot." This is just about the most absurd thing I've ever seen in my life. If you're really that desperate, go rent a porno, it will be way better than having to stomach this monstrosity of a game.

The graphics aren't that bad in this game (remember, we are talking about Atari). You can immediately tell what's hanging over the edge of the building and what's on the ground, and what they are trying to do. Even though they may be sick and twisted, the graphics in this game are up to par, and maybe even a little better, than most Atari 2600 titles. Too bad these graphics had to go to waste on this piece of disaster.

The controls are also extremely easy to use and get used to. Paddle left and right to move the ladies and catch the "stuff" and win points. Press a button to start the round. I don't think the controls could be any simpler.

The gameplay is simple. If you can actually sit and watch this disgusting event unfold, you might find that it's an easy game to get the grasp of. But in all honesty, why couldn't they have had a guy drop apples off of a building with ladies on the street trying to catch them in a bucket or something? Maybe if they would've re-thought this concept, the game would be somewhat playable.

So you already know mostly what Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em is about. Every time you catch a drop in the mouth of one of your ladies, you score points! Every time you let one of the drops hit the ground you lose a life because, you know, it "could've been a famous doctor or lawyer," (quoted from the game itself). As the levels go on, you have to catch more drops and they start falling faster. How they do that is beyond me... but they do, so it gets increasingly harder and you get farther.

Oh and don't worry if you lose a few of your five lives, you get an extra life for every 69 drops you catch. How original guys. "Let's make the number of drops for a free life 69! It will be funny because it's innuendo!" As if this game wasn't bad enough, the fact that they really made 69 the magical number just makes me laugh even more at them for actually thinking people would like this game.

I AM NOT GAME BASHING! Honestly, this game is just really that vulgar, and that gross. Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em was an attempt at an adult-rated video game, but instead, it ended up being a big flop. Seriously, if you really have the need to play an 8-bit video game centered around sexuality, I'd like to point you towards Leisure Suit Larry (PC) or even Gigolo (Atari 2600). ANYTHING, and I repeat, ANYTHING is better than wasting your time with the failure they call Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 01/03/07