Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em

"Time to lose faith in all humanity... [Winner of "Worst Game Ever"]"

Warning: This game contains material that may not be suitable for all gamers. In other words, it's a porn game.

I never in my wildest dreams or even in my worst nightmares thought I'd come across a single game that could possibly be worse than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (that is single game, so Action 52 is automatically exempt). One day, my friend told me of a great website that was working hard to preserve Atari. He claimed that they were THE sight for Atari information and even emulation. What's better is the emulator I got there works perfectly like the actual Atari 2600. I soon found myself downloading ROM after ROM, games I have longed to play again. It then came to my attention that Atari was a bit like NES; There were so many quirky titles that most people haven't heard of. I decided to download one of these quirky titles. Yes, out of curiosity... Well, I guess ''quirky'' wouldn't be the best adjective to use here. Perverted? Repulsive? Oh yeah, those will work just fine. I downloaded the ever evil game called Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em (BE&EE) by one of the most controversial companies in gaming history (probably even more so than Active Enterprises). That being Mystique (reissued by PlayAround).

Where Does the Taboo Lie
First off, I should say, I downloaded this due to curiosity. Many say that curiosity killed the cat. No one ever says that curiosity brutally and painfully disemboweled and mutilated the cat, then set fire to the remains! Such would be the idea here with BE&EE. Am I against this because it's a worthless pr0n game? Certainly not. Am I against this because it's both a combination of disgusting and terrible? Absolutely! ''But nothing livens a relationship like porn!'' And nothing destroys a relationship like a Mystique game!

The sounds that probably echoed through the halls of my basement that Summer's morning probably went a little something like this...

''Hmm... I hope this game's good. Okay, I think I'll load it up... What in the...? What is he- SWEET MERCIFUL LORD IN HEAVEN! EWW! Hey, those women... What are they...? Oh! AHHHH! [vomits] Dear lord, take it away! Take it away!''

What is the object of this game? The game's called Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em, if that's any indication. Well, I'm going to have to try to go about describing this game without really getting too descriptive. You see, in BE&EE, there is this guy who decided it was a good day to get naked on top of a building and... gratify himself, so to speak. What a coincidence! A couple of young, busty women decide to walk by and catch his- ehem!- ''product'' in their mouths as it falls off the side of building from his ''blaster.'' You control the women using the paddles (the ones that have the wheels on them). You must get them to catch each ''droplet'' in their mouth. If you miss one, you lose a life. If you collect them all, some really happy music plays as the women lick their chops.

Are you people out there really wanting some hot action? *&%$ this game and go out and rent something like Naked Reunion. While you might say that the gameplay sounds interesting or close to Kaboom!, it's actually much worse. It's a pain in the ass getting the controls to do exactly what you want, thus guiding the women to the falling seed isn't as easy as it seems. Not that easy = good...

Graphics
The graphics are... Well... You can tell what the guy's holding, I guess that's a good sign that the graphics aren't totally bad. The color range on the game is also sufficient. The only problem I have with this game graphically is the design of the character ''distributing the refreshments.'' Sure, it's old graphics, but he looks like a dork. Hey! I guess it's consistent! Who else would get on top of a building and decide it's a good time to pretend he's Ron Jeremy? This seems like the type of guy who's pissed off at the world because he couldn't snag a lady friend if his body came with a vanity mirror.

Sounds
Wow, nothing quite like recycled sound effects and music. Not only do we get to experience the joy of pixel porn, but it seems like whoever was in charge of sound effects took notes from Daiei and decided to load the game with recycled material *coughGameracough*. When you start the game, it makes that really annoying sound that Pac-Man makes when he dies. I was trying to block that game out and it's bad enough we have see some well-endowed moron punching the munchkin, but now we have to put up with the corny Pac-Man music. The other sound effects are the droplets going into the mouths of the women, which somewhat gets on my nerves, and the ''happy'' music at the end of each level. Is it too much to ask? Do I have to go blind and have my ears bleed at the same time?

Final Word- Repulsive

The biggest flaw this game has is the shear repulsion involved. Damn you, Atari! See what open door policies get you? Terrible little pieces of crap like this! The gameplay is also another flaw. The game is nightmarishly repetitive and dull. Imagine Kaboom!, only not nearly as fun, and I really don't like Kaboom! that much to begin with! Who actually thought they were doing the gaming industry a favor by supplying porno games? I guess pornos are the same in the game industry as in the movie industry, only worse. Porn movies have no plot, porn games have no gameplay. What's worse is the people in porno games aren't real. Are you desperate enough to enjoy a bunch of pixels? I really don't see this game as any kind of turn on, so it also fails at it's primary goal. How about that, a pr0n game that can't even succeed at giving decent pr0n content. Goest thy to Hell, it's all I will say to Mystique and PlayAround here...

FINAL JUDGMENT
Graphics: The strongest point in the game 7/10
Sounds: [turns the volume all the way down] 3/10
Controls: A bit under-responsive 6/10
Plot/Storyline: N/A
Gameplay: Simply non-existent 1/10
All Together: 1/10

Perks
*I guess they utilized decent graphics

Downers
*Disgusting
*Low gameplay value
*Annoying, rehashed sounds (or rather, noise!)

Hilarity: The fact that somewhere out there, someone bought this game and was probably aroused.

Recommendations
Are you desperate or curious? Go right ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 12/06/01, Updated 12/23/02