Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em

"This is probably the reason why Nintendo didnt make adult titles in the 80's."

Beat ‘em and eat ‘em is one of those games from the 80’s that tried to figure out what it would be like to create games not for kids, but for adults. Of course, it was a bright idea considering how many people would be drawn in to video gaming, but the idea was poorly executed. Of the many games in that genre, none were so poorly executed as this. Out of all the amazing games you see on the Atari 2600, none have such a nasty plot and frankly, I’m glad.

Gameplay

The gameplay is bleak at best. You are in control of a man waving his…stuff around releasing ‘unidentifiable projectiles’ on the women below, and your objective is to get these ‘unidentifiable projectiles’ in the mouths of the women. This will be no easy task if you don’t have the paddle for the Atari, and even then, it’s impossible to control! Without the paddle, you’re basically out of luck since there is no other way to control it. There were many great games for the Atari like Donkey Kong, Mario, Pitfall! and Frogger, but this game cannot stand up to any of these. There simply is no plot, no meaning, no purpose altogether…you will have more fun playing solitaire Jenga than you will with this game. I repeat, its NO GOOD.
1/10

Graphics

Oh boy! Don’t get me started… The level consists of 2 women, who are very detailed. Now that I think about it, all the “bad” parts are detailed, which is just sick, who would want to play ‘Atari Pornography’. Oh well, you can hardly call it porn, since what would otherwise be a body part is more like a Tetris block. Sick, sick, sick… Oh, and when you accomplish the whole point of the game(which I wont say because its pretty dirty), the two women below both turn at the screen and lick their lips. Nothing dirty there, but with the lack of polygons…or detail in general, their lips look similar to beards.

The guy on the roof is very detailed as well. When he is… uh… doing what he does best, his mouth moves like he is having a little trouble working, but after it happens, he looks relieved with a smile on his face. I would be too if I were up there on a roof, doing it every 10 seconds, sounds like a lot of work, but our man can do it. As for the…thing itself, it’s pretty detailed, and looks like what it’s supposed to be. I bet the programmers were laughing their heads off when they made this.

You ask what the rest looks like? The unidentifiable material is not even white, it’s yellow. I don’t know why that is, but it is. The background is a building with a few rectangular windows, nothing special. I was really disappointed with the lack of detail in general. They spent far too much time trying to detail what really didn’t need detail in the first place, and left the rest of it a forsaken mess. If you are looking for impressive graphics on the Atari 2600 (there’s an oxymoron), my advice is that you look elsewhere.
3/10

Sound

None, zip, nada, Kapoot! There is no sound in Beat ‘em and eat ‘em. And i'm thankful, because I wouldn’t want to imagine what they would sound like. The thought itself sends shivers up and down my spine, thank you Mystique for not including sound, you saved us all some sanity.
N/A

Difficulty--- Moderate

It’s kind of hard now that I think about it. You can release the stuff anywhere in the level, but you need to be extremely precise in order to land it in their mouths. It’s not impossible though, you should be able to pull it off every 3 minutes if you know what you’re doing.

Replay Value

Well… I don’t imagine anyone would want to play this game more than once. This is an extremely sick game, and I really feel sorry for anyone else who invested in it.
1/10

Overall

Is this what I get for being curious? When I saw the name ‘Beat ‘em and eat ‘em’, I thought it was a fighting game. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this was some sort of sick-minded pixilated pornography game. I’m sorry I couldn’t provide you with a longer review, but there really aren’t any more things to talk about. I swear this game is so simple, that this review could double as a FAQ. If you read this and you are curious about it now, I will remind you once again that it isn’t even impressive, and there are many other sources now a days to arouse you. Just please don’t get this game! Even if it’s free, you’ll regret it.
2/10

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 08/19/02, Updated 08/19/02