Texas Chainsaw Massacre

"Boo-urns!"

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a hilariously funny title for the Atari 2600. Based on the cult horror film “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, this game delivers some of the most horrific graphics on the Atari 2600 to match the horribly horrific horror that the movie created. As an Atari game, I should give it some credit for being better than about 90% of Atari games, but its just so much worse than those classic titles like Mario and Donkey Kong and Pitfall! I got this game off an auction on eBay where a person was selling off their fifty game collection for Atari. Being the idiot that I am, I actually bid on this lot without thinking whether or not I had the money or not. Sadly, I won, and after ending up with a giant collection of mediocre and sub-par games, I started to dig my way through them. I pretty much stuck every game in and tested it quickly. This is probably one of the few titles that I actually played for more than three minutes.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre really doesn’t offer much in the way of gameplay. Your objective is to make the little girls wandering around your property minced meat. You do so with your chainsaw (well duh…). Also, while you are trying to catch these girls, random objects on your property block your way from reaching these people. There are such things as fences, bales of hay, bull skulls and for some really bizarre reason… moving wheelchairs. If you touch any of the mentioned objects, you will become entangled and you will have to use your chainsaw to free yourself. Unfortunately, it is a gas guzzling chainsaw, so whenever you use it or even when it’s idle, it consumes gas like there’s no tomorrow. Basically, when you run out of gas, you die. I mean its not like loggers drop dead when their chainsaws run out of fuel, but eh… Whatever. And of course, the programmers having the wonderful foresight that they did made it nearly impossible to get the required ten thousand points to get to the next level. In essence, they made this game pretty much pointless. No matter how hard you try, the game will win in the end. It provides some fun, but hey, how fun is it to lose every single time?

Oh yes, I must say Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the best looking game in the history of Atari 2600 gaming. These stunning graphics offer a simply amazing plethora of shapes including squares, rectangles, and smaller squares put together to make an object look like something other than a square! Basically what I’m getting at is that everything in this game looks awfully choppy. For example, your character is pretty much has legs that make 2 motions to make it look like he’s walking. I wont mention where he holds his chainsaw, and what it looks like when he holds it there… but you can probably conjure up an image in your head.

“What about the girls?” you ask?

Well they’re even worse than your character. Although they are more than one color (score!) They look like little midgets that you would want kick rather than chop up with a chainsaw. But if you think the girls look bad while they’re walking around, it’s a million times worse after you chop them up. They instantly turn into something similar to a T-bone steak (literally) and your character stops while the victory music plays… if you can even call it music.

The one thing that I actually found quite good was the background. About one third of the screen is suspended. Nothing on that part of the screen moves. So they actually made it pretty detailed. There are plenty of trees, and even a small house with relatively good details. The part of the screen that moves isn’t too bad either. But I was really impressed with the bull skull. It actually looks rounded and detailed and such. Too bad the rest of the game isn’t as detailed.

If I could portray the sound in this game accurately, I would say it sounds somewhat like someone blowing into the receiver of a phone, and you getting it in your ear. It’s really, really, really painful and it’s not something worth looking forward to in this game. The only times you really have these sounds is at the start of the game, where the main menu has some scary lightning noises, and after you chop the girls up with your chainsaw. After chopping them, you are rewarded with the sweet, sweet sound of a fuzzy dial up modem! Score! That really makes me want to play this game! The other time you hear sound in this game is when you use your chainsaw… it makes a low-pitched noise that probably got its inspiration from a fart. As I told you earlier, the sound in this game is just abysmal.

I can’t really think of anyone who would want to play this game through more than once… or realistically, anyone who would want to play it for longer than 15 minutes. It really leaves the game with a pretty low replay value, and even a low lasting value. Face it. This game is pretty shallow. It probably pioneered the way for many awful hack n’ slash games too, which is another really big no-no.

If you see this game at somewhere like a flea market or a yard sale, please either put it down and walk or run away from it, or buy the game (for a low price) and mutilate the cartridge in your own creative way, just like I did! If the game really, truly appeals to you and your favorite genres, pick it up. I still have a strong doubt that you would like it, but I cannot speak for everyone. The only group I can really push this game for is people who own an Atari 2600 (the numbers are becoming more and more limited as the system ages) and are fans of the movie “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 04/07/03, Updated 04/07/03