CART Flag to Flag

"Come and get me papparazzi!"

Call me biased, but I really enjoyed the Geometry classes I took in High School. Forget Trig, Algebra, and Calculus. Geometry is where it’s at! Why do you ask? Putting aside the hilarious antics of sticking a metal compass up my nose… I really dig shapes. That’s right, I’m talking about our pals the triangle, the parallelogram, and my personal favorite, the rhombus. Although I’ve never seen a rhombus in real life, I’ve often lusted after its rebellious revolutionary anti-square-establishment spirit. All you homies out there know that Kool Keith was once known as Dr. Octagon. Doom was only popular because people love Pentagrams.

Socrates beautifully described shape as that “which limits a solid.” So answer me this: In this universe so diverse in exciting and unique shapes, why do racing games insist on exclusively using ovals and circles? Martin Luther King had a dream that racetracks will be judged not by the repetitive roundness of its curves but by the content of its character. Sega’s CART Flag to Flag is no different by denying non-circular shapes their basic human rights. Hitler killed the Jews, now Sega wants to kill the rhombus. Putting aside my hatred of anti-Hexagonism, I will attempt to review this game objectively (Pythagoras is rolling over in his grave).

Firstly, I’d better explain what a CART racer is. I always thought it involved stealing a shopping cart from a homeless dude, ditching the empty 7-up cans, and running the damn thing into trees at the local Safeway. Turns out CART racing is what Al Unser Jr. does for a living. Who knew CART racing is actually considered a sport in Indiana? Racing games rank right up there with drinking beer, incest, and shooting squirrels for America’s redneck population. LEFT TURNS ARE EXCITING, BUBBA! Whether it be driving around in ovals or being swept up in tornadoes, hillbillies love getting dizzy!

This game has all the normal racing options like an accelerator, brakes, and a brand new function, REVERSE! You get to choose from a variety of international race “stars” like Alex Zanardi (?), Gil De Ferran (?), and who could forget Carl Haas’ shadow! Where’s OJ and the Bronco? You get all the bells and whistles like (wussy) automatic AND manual transmissions. Sold yet?

The graphics are average. Nothing on the Dreamcast can really look horrible but more detail could have been added. The cockpits of the cars are really grainy and I HATE flat audiences! The fans in the bleachers look like frozen balloons… add a little animation will ya. It’s basically Super Monaco GT all over again with cooler looking Pit Stops. “Yo dude, change my tires and clean the bird crap off my helmet!” The funniest thing is driving on the grass. The tires turn all fluorescent green like you just ran over an army of frogs.

Oh yeah, there are more advertisements in this stupid game than Computer Shopper! FedEx even sponsors the championship option. Too bad UPS, you really missed out.

The controls on this game are incredibly simplistic. Sega needs to buy me a new control pad because I wore out the left direction. I guess Sega would recommend buying the Dreamcast Racing Wheel in order to get the true feel of this masterpiece. But if I buy a steering wheel I would much rather play innovative games like Driver, Spy Hunter, Road Rage, or Grand Theft Auto. Turning cops into street pizza is much more entertaining than orbiting around some Pennzoil signs.

The course collection ranges from skinny ovals to fat ovals. You can drive around in a circle anywhere from Vancouver to Rio de Janeiro. There’s even the Nazareth oval track. I was expecting to see Jesus on a cross waving the checkered flag. Turns out it’s Nazareth Pennsylvania. Sega is such an atheist! You can even change the weather (PRO TIP: wet ovals are harder to drive than dry ones!). The most ridiculous part of this game is when you crash into a wall or another car. Now normally I would expect a Nascar death machine, moving at 200+ mph, to at least lose a bumper or a tire in a collision but in Flag to Flag you just bounce off like a ping pong ball. Princess Diana exploded over her dashboard like a Pop Tart in a microwave when she hit a concrete pole and she was only going 100 mph, gimme a break! The little pathetic sparks that fly out couldn’t start a boy-scout campfire.

The only worthwhile part of this game is when you turn around and drive backwards. It’s fun to crash headfirst into your opponents and stall them from crossing the finish line. But that’s where it ends. You want great driving action? Go rent the movie “Crash”. At least you’ll get some REAL car accidents filled with blood, boobs and cyborg women with Freudian scars! Here’s some advice Sega, go make Sonic Adventure 8 and quit trying to exploit the untapped white-trash video game market, it ain’t worth it.

Final thoughts:
Too… dizzy… to… walk.
At least Rad Racer had 3D glasses!
Got bored before finishing the 3rd lap.
Where’s Toonces the Driving Cat?
Not needing to clutch when switching gears is the only good thing about racing games!

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 02/22/03, Updated 02/22/03