Sega Soccer Slam

"Picking his teeth up off the pitch, Larcen writes yet another soccer review!"

Live from Sega Stadium, this is your friendly sportscaster Larcen Tyler himself! It's a beautiful day for a game of 3-on-3 soccer, ladies and gentlemen (that's 3 plus the goalkeeper, if you didn't know) Today's match up is between Sub Zero and El Fuego!

There's the kick off, and Madeira is running the ball upfield, toward the goal. Ouch! She's been sideswiped by Lola with a fierce punch! That's definitely worth a red card, or should I say it would be, if this were ordinary soccer. But this is no ordinary soccer game, ladies and gentlemen, this is Sega Soccer Slam, a game where the only rule is to get more points than the other team, doing it however you must! Whether you're smashing them up against the wall, tripping them, or just knocking them off their feet in an effort to retrieve a stolen ball, anything goes here!

(watches as El Diablo smashes Lola into the goal post just as she's about to take a shot) Ooh, that had to smart! Now, on with the review!

Graphics: 10/10
When it comes to the graphics, you're in for some real eye candy. If you're looking for realism like you'd see on TV, then go back to FIFA! You'll get cartoony special effects like fire trails, soccer balls flying like bullets, and players smashing each other harder than you'd see in the WWF! You'll see the players celebrating victory or defeat with full gestures and facial animations!

(sees El Diablo get smashed by Half Pint) Ouch! I think he's hurt! Back to the review!

Sounds: 8/10
The announcer sounds a bit too generic, with cheap one-liners and although he calls the players by name, it sounds more like their names were cut-and-pasted into the phrases, since most of them always sound the same. On the other hand, though, getting hit by an opponent results in a bone crunching...well, crunch! You'll hear the crowd cheer when someone scores, and the person who scored will celebrate in full vocal glory, complete with their appropriate native accents. The rock music which accompanies the menus sets the tone pretty well.

Controls: 10/10
If you're expecting a thousand button combinations to pull off each and every maneuver you've seen in the FIFA, forget about it! You aren't spoiled for options, but they get the job done. You can perform things like passes, shooting, and one-timers with a couple button taps. You can also do things like deke and protect yourself from steals. If you lose the ball, feel free to use a swift punch on your opponent to get them to drop it, or use a sliding tackle. Have no qualms about sliding from behind, in fact, the harder you hit them the better! That means one less adversary for a moment while you turn the tables! You can also do things like power shots which slows everything down a la 'The Matrix' while you prepare for your super shot!

The teams are a bunch of over-the-top trios, ranging from a pair of Capoeria artists and a wrestler, to a bunch of voodoo artists, to a group of punks who are obsessed with toxic chemicals!

Replay: 10/10
The exhibition mode allows you to play in standard arcade style, but that's just the icing on the cake. By playing through the Quest mode, you can unlock new items for your team making them improve their performance, as well as unlock hidden things like artwork and new stadiums. Since there's a lot to be seen, you'll be playing on the pitch a lot!

Overall: 10/10
If you're looking for some smashing action on the pitch, then Sega's got your game right here! Sega Soccer Slam is something just about any soccer fan will find is in their goal!

(Sees El Diablo charging at him, apparently enraged about the bad pun he just made!)
Uh-oh, it seems I made a very bad mistake by making that lousy pun! Basically, if you want some great soccer action, then you've got to play this game! Now excuse me before I- AAH!
(Gets his teeth knocked out with just one punch from El Diablo!)

Reviewer's Score: 10/10, Originally Posted: 04/22/02, Updated 04/22/02