P.N. 03

"Turn to the Right! Turn to the Left! Remember to smile for the camera and STRIKE A POSE!!"

…And here we’ve all been told that food was a supermodel’s worst nemesis. In a bizarre fit of coding thinly veiled under the designer name “Product Number 3” (P.N. 03), the minds of Capcom have sought to wreak havoc on the lives of the insanely beautiful, offering a new line of work for them: saving the world? Strange as that may sound, saving the world is exactly what the long legged heroine of PN03, Vanessa Z Schneider, intends to do. With such a rather…meaty…task at hand however, mankind needs to look beyond the hopes of Dante anyway (even if he does wear Diesel).

Set in a futuristic environment that looks like a cross between Metroid Prime and Star Wars, Vanessa’s journey to stop a (yawn) once helpful computer that has since short-circuited and now wants to take over the universe. Apparently in the future, it will be a pre-requisite for all supermodels to carry laser weaponry, wear Oakley-imitation sunglasses, and sport robotic suits. To transition our world into this post-modern form of ‘haute couture’ threads, obviously Capcom felt it necessary to outfit Vanessa in all of them. And what threads they are; throughout the game players will be able to earn points to not only power up current suits, but purchase new ones as well capable of kicking even more decidedly unpretty ‘punks’. Talk about accessorizing…

Much like a real supermodel, PN03 is quite simple and pretty at first glance, but deeper investigation reveals some minor “flaws” which the captivated individual must put up with if their relationship is to last. But “don’t be hatin!”; even if Ulala…I mean Vanessa’s goal is to go from room to room blasting evil while keeping time with the pulsating music, surely the showpiece must be a bit deeper inside. In each room, a variety of foes will launch attacks at Vanessa (usually via laser beams). It’s up to the player to use Vanessa’s lethal laterals to dart, dodge, and duck past the hurt and instead bring the pain (to the enemies that is). But hold on just a second…it seems that the game has already surpassed the qualities of a species usually characterized by the inability to walk and chew gum at the same time. Obviously there has to be a catch, DUH! Armed with the respiratory configuration of a common lizard, when Vanessa moves, she is unable to carry on basic survival functions (in this case offensive ones). Likewise, when the brainless beauty stops to dance and shoot (‘NSync with the music of course!), she is unable to defend herself. The end result is a system that feels a bit…shallow.

Art often imitates life, and indeed PN03 is no exception: poor Vanessa is cursed to exist in a world populated with less-than-comparable radiance; in fact it’s so dull that the only noticeable changes the player may make note of are those pertaining to the heroine’s costume. (But let’s face it; who actually cares what product a glamorous girl is showcasing anyway?). Players will gallivant through a total of 11 stages that are in some serious need of redecoration-all that metal and rust…how DOES she put up with it?-in their quest to stop the menace to good fashionistas everywhere. Each stage has 2 areas in it (2 X 11=22! Yay!!!!) and at the end of each one, players can expect some lumpy, dumpy, and grumpy monstrosity waiting to end Vanessa’s career light-years faster than old age or fat thighs.

Thus, we arrive at the final edit of this review. As with exposure to the modeling industry itself, surely most readers will not have a clue what they have just wasted their time reading. Is PN03 for you? Well…if you can still maintain proper composure and poise at this point, than the answer is a reassuring “Oh my god YES!”.

Reviewer's Score: 6/10, Originally Posted: 09/19/03