Shaq-Fu

"I just couldn't give it a 1..."

Benivere - ''Hello everyone and welcome to the Benivere show! Tonight, we have two guests for you, Shaquille O'Neal, and the video game Shaq Fu!''

(audience bursts into laughter)

Benivere - ''Hey, try not to laugh too much. We don't want to hurt poor Shaq's feelings. As a matter of fact, let's bring out Shaquille O'Neal right now!''

(Shaq walks in and takes a seat next to Benivere)

Benivere - ''Hello, Shaquille.''

Shaq - ''Hey, what's up?''

Benivere - ''Err...not much. I brought you on this show to talk about your Sega Genesis video game, Shaq Fu. Now who made Shaq Fu?''

Shaq - ''Well, Benivere, that would be the great folks at Electronic Arts.''

Benivere - ''Electronic Arts? To tell the truth, that is the last company I would have predicted to make the game. But anyways, when was Shaq Fu released?''

Shaq - ''1994.''

Benivere - ''Ahh, so that's when you were still playing for the Orlando Magic?''

Shaq - ''That is correct. I am wearing my Magic uniform throughout the entire game of Shaq Fu.''

Benivere - ''Yes, and it turns out that the graphics overall are really the best part of Shaq Fu. Shaq, you are very detailed in the game, but it seems like nobody else is. Care to explain?''

(cameras move to Shaq, but he is gone)

Benivere - ''Well, it seems like our big friend, Mr. O'Neal, has left. Until he returns, let me talk about the rest of Shaq Fu's graphics. The graphics are probably the best aspect of the game, but they are certainly not going to win any awards. Shaq, himself, looks good, but the rest of the characters are not detailed enough to look good. The in game backgrounds are just kind of there, as they do nothing for the game. Probably the best part of the graphics are the little animation scenes before or after a fight.''

(Shaq arrives)

Benivere - ''Welcome back, Shaquille. Where did you go?''

Shaq - ''Sorry about that. I had to use the men's room.''

Benivere - ''Err...that's okay, I guess. While you were gone, I told the audience about Shaq Fu's graphics.''

Shaq - ''Cool.''

Benivere - ''...Yeah. Let's talk about something else, the story of Shaq Fu. Did you think of it?''

Shaq - ''I don't remember, but it's pretty wacked out, isn't it?''

Benivere - ''Yes, Shaq, the story is pretty wacked out. Why don't you explain it to our audience?''

Shaq - ''Sure thing, Beni.''

Benivere - ''Ahem. Don't call me Beni.''

Shaq - ''No problem. The story starts as I walk down the streets of Tokyo in my basketball uniform to waste time before my charity basketball game begins later that day.''

Benivere - ''Take a breath.''

Shaq - ''Anyways, I enter an old kung fu shop of some sorts, and I meet this weird old man. He tells me to go save some kid named Nezu, but I am reluctant because he has mistaken me as someone else. The old man tells me to go into a portal, so I do. I wind up in some weird world where the kid is supposed to be. As a result, I have to fight a bunch of guys to save the kid. Neat, huh?''

Benivere - ''I'll give it points for originality, that's for sure.''

(forced audience laughter)

Benivere - ''Moving on, Shaq, what is the sound like?''

Shaq - ''Whoa, sorry, Beni, but I gotta jet. I'll be back in a little bit.''

Benivere - ''Well, okay.. I guess I'll have to describe the sound myself. The sound is not very good at all. It just seems like everything was poorly done, the music and the sound effects. The music does not help make the game better in any way, shape or form. There is one little music MIDI that I did slightly enjoy, and that was the opening theme. As for the rest: crap. The sound effects were barely audible, thanks to the music. For what can be properly heard, it is just generic fighting sounds. Punch, kick, blah blah blah.''

(more forced audience laughter)

Benivere - ''It seems like Shaq isn't back yet. Well, until he returns, I will talk about the gameplay and control found in Shaq Fu. Sadly, just like every other aspect of the game, the gameplay sucks. Simple enough. However, for those of you actually looking for a decent review, I will explain why it sucks. First of all, the fighting system is awful.''

(audience asks, in unison, ''how awful is it?'')

Benivere - ''Well, let me just say it is just plain horrible. All you need to do to win a fight is back your opponent in the corner and kick away. It's really that simple. I managed to win my battles pretty quick just by repeatedly kicking the enemy.''

(Shaquille suddenly arrives with a little kid)

Benivere - ''Uh..Shaq? Who is that, and where did you go?''

Shaq - ''Sorry about that, Beni, but I had to save Peter here from an evil witch doctor in Indiana.''

Benivere - That's nice...While you were gone, I was talking about the gameplay of Shaq Fu. I was just about to talk about the game modes, so let's continue.''

Shaq - ''A'ight.''

Benivere - ''Well, it seems like there are only three modes to play: Duel, Story, and Tournament. In the duel mode, you can select from one of the lame characters in the game & fight one battle. Whoopee. In the story mode, you go along the world map to fight all the baddies that have taken part in the kidnapping of Nezu. In the tournament mode, you pick from one of the characters & battle in a tournament. Duh.''

Shaq - ''What was your favorite mode, Benivere?''

Benivere - ''I didn't like any of the modes, but the story option is the best, even though you can only play as Shaq in that mode..''

Shaq - ''What is that supposed to mean?''

Benivere - ''Well folks, we are out of time! I hope you all enjoyed the show. I'll leave you with some final words before I get the heck out of here.''

The Bottom Line:

Graphics (5.2/10)
Story (3.7/10)
Sound (2.0/10)
Gameplay (1.6/10)
Control (0.9/10)
Replay Value (LOW)
Fun Factor (LOW)
Challenge (LOW)
Overall (1.9/10)

Don't even bother with this game unless you need a good laugh.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 10/15/00, Updated 10/15/00