Altered Beast

"What I expected was a manly Auh... what I got was a terrible game"

Used game stores... you gotta love em'. I remember when I first walked into the now defunct Game Force... the sight of all those SNES, NES, Genesis, and even some Saturn, DC, and PSX games was enough to bring a tear to my eye. I paraded around like a little boy in a candy shop, but to my dismay, the selection of games was about as appealing as a candy shop that only served chopped liver. Most of these games SUCKED. Still, there was a wide selection, and I started hunting for a few games. I came across one immediately, in Super Smash TV, and snatched up a copy of Axelay.

I meandered over to the Genesis display... holy mother of Christ, did those games suck. Every game looked like the kind of game which made me shun the Genesis back in the day (though now I have a higher level of respect for them). Then I remembered the one game I wanted to try out for the Sega Genesis: the coin-op/Genesis legend... Altered Beast.

Well, I found it, and immediately broke into laughter thanks to the ridiculous cover art. I bought it, along with Super Smash TV and Axelay, and pranced out of the store, happy I was finally going to be able to hear the glorious ''Auh'' (supposedly your character grunted a that in a very manly manner when he got hit by an enemy). I went over to my friend's house, busted out the Genesis... and was shocked. This was Altered Beast? This was the arcade legend, the game that made you proud to own a Sega Genesis? This was all?

Let this be a lesson boys and girls... even if you go into a game with mediocre expectations, you can still be completely and utterly disappointed.

Now, it's my honor to tell you exactly what makes Altered Beast so appalling.

''Well, I think I'll get the good out of the way first''

Altered Beast has some bad-ass music, that much is certain. It's not exactly the most memorable stuff out there, but it has a certain charm to it, and really gets the player ready to fight.

The sound effects, on the other hand, are severely lacking. The voices are terrible (but in a cheesy, B-Movie-ish kind of way), the sound quality grainy, and the actual variety disturbingly low. There also was no ''Auh'' when your man character got damaged. Don't worry, the informant that originally told me that info has ben thoroughly beaten with the Ugly Stick.

Though the sound effects are grating, I think the music evens out any deficiencies in this area... so I guess you could say that the sound is above average... which is exactly what you could say about the graphics.

''My kingdom for some animation''

Yes, the sprites are large, and fairly detailed and colorful in Altered Beast, but my god, just a little more animation could help out! Every character in Altered Beast-- be it friend or foe-- are frame starved, animation speaking. Sometimes the sprites dither too, which was not what I expected to see.

On the other hand, your main character looks so incredibly cool (especially when he buffs up), I refuse to revile Altered Beast anymore in this aspect.

''Punch, kick, transform, repeat''

I'm a bit in the dark about Altered Beast's story... all I know is that you were brought back to life by Zeus. Wait, that is the story. Of course your fighting some sort of evil, as is any resurrected heroes wont, but I'm wondering what's more evil: the miscreants that threaten you in the game itself, or Sega for devising one of the worst examples of a side-scrolling action game ever.

You see, you can punch, kick, and jump in Altered Beast. I really see no incentive to punch, as kicking is the way to go, but I guess the punch was thrown in there so Sega could avoid needlessly raping your eyes over and over again with the putrid kicking animation.

Ok, so you walk right-to-left, and you punch and kick. If you manage to kill one of those blue devil dogs, you get can pick up an orb, which will buff you up (therefore giving you more life, because as we all know, gaining some more muscles will severely increase your survival rate against creatures of the undead). After a few orbs, you will transform in to a beast (hence the name Altered Beast), where you will literally be invincible, thanks to the fact your punches and kicks now shoot out fireballs across the screen. Eventually you'll reach the end of the stage, and have to fight a boss... that's it. Five levels of redundant, repetitive punching and kicking before you complete the game.

No, there are no twists in the gameplay formula (besides the fact you can transform); you repetitively scroll through five levels, and fight the same boring enemies, and use the same boring strategy, till you die, or till you beat the game. Either way, when it's over, you'll be more than happy you're spared any more torture. Believe me when I say you more than likely will never feel any incentive to boot this aberration up again.

''It makes me proud to say I was a SNES man''

Altered Beast is, to put it simply, an embarrassment. It's an embarrassment to the Genesis, an embarrassment to Sega-- hell, it's an embarrassment to anyone that has ever played it. RISE FWAM YOUR GWAVE? No thanks, it would've been better for all of us if you just stayed there.

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Pat can't think of anything funny to say here, so he will just tell you he LOVES you all.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 02/27/01, Updated 02/27/01