""All your crappy gameplay are belong to us!""

Inroduction
For anyone whom might be reading this and somehow knows me, I know what you're saying. ''YOU?! A VETERAN OF 2D SIDE SCROLLING SHOOTERS GIVING ZERO WING A SCORE OF 1?!?!''... unfortunately.. it's true. Albeit this game sucks ROYALLY, it's still probably the most humorous gaming experience I've ever had in my entire life, even though it doesn't mean to be, and I'll tell you why...

''Somebody set up us the bomb.''
It was not long ago that I finally got around to playing this highly popular 2D shooter, and although I thought it was trash, I can still see why it's so highly regarded. Now, I'm a big fan of 2D shooters. Darius, Gradius, R-Type, Axelay, Macross, Utyu, and of course, the mother of them all, Biometal. And there are few 2D shooters that I can say weren't to my standards (actually, Giga Wing being the only other exception), so I must really go into detail about why this game is such an abomination of the generic gaming community.

''Main screen turn on.''
Okay, first off, let's talk visuals. When compared to Darius Twin, Biometal, Super R-Type, or any other 16-Bit SNES vessel shooter, this game is certainly not eye candy, but on Genisis' standards, this is top notch. The anime-esque intro scenes are only second to those in the Valis series, and some of the characters' mouths actually move (GASP!).

The actual game play graphics however, are not impressive. It's not really the low quality, grainy sprites which makes this game look awful, it's the fact that it looks real lazy and rushed. Most of the enemies look the same, but with a new paint scheme perhaps, for instance. The backgrounds are almost constantly a boring, star-filled cosmos, lacking the detail of the awesome background in the opening stage of Macross Scrambled Valkyrie, with the ship wreckage and even lifeless bodies floating through space. These little things would've made such a difference in the graphical department.

''What you say!!''
Ugh, here's where the Genisis' awful sound engine comes into play. The sounds are muffled, squished, and repetitive to boot. Unfortunately, the music is no saving grace either. The music is also very muffled, as if listening to your radio with the knob stuck half way between two stations. Fuzzy and undefined.

''You know what you doing.''
Okay, now I can stand horrid graphics, and maybe even nightmarish audio, but terrible gameplay is where I draw the line. This game is far too easy, really. I mean it, even though you only have one hit to total annihilation before beginning the entire level all over again, I only managed to die several times in the span of this game. Those instances were few and far apart mind you.

You start off as your plain old plasma beam firin' ship. Then, a few power-ups later, you're accompanied by several orbs which fire in unison with you, turning your single ship into an entire, screen-wide firing line, blasting any unworthy craft from your greatness before they can get within a quarter screen's distance away from you. Sure, it works somewhat like an 'Option' from Gradius, but at least in Gradius, you didn't HAVE to devote precious icons into options rather than a stronger laser or increased speed.

''What happen?''
Okay, now this game sucks, we've got that straight. So why do I feel the urge to play it at least once a week? A good damn laugh. No respectable gamer who hasn't been under a rock for the past decade doesn't know the legendary line ''All Your Base Are Belong To Us.'', which is the welcoming matt to Zophar's Domain. Unforgettable lines like this are due to Zero Wing's ultimately pathetic translation courtesy of a producer who could barely speak English at the time. The opening dialogue will make you feel like you're going on a ride with a New York Taxi Driver. Unfortunately, the gameplay that awaits you will make it even less exciting.

''You have no chance to survive make your time ha ha ha ha...''
Overall, I can sum this up pretty easily. Play this game for a good laugh, and nothing more, for a good laugh is all you'll get out of it. By all means, do not spend actual money on the original Genisis cart. Download a ROM, just as long as you delete it within 24 hours... *cackle*... yeah right.

Overall Scores:
Graphics - 1/10
Sound - 1/10
Gameplay - 1/10
Storyline - 0/10 (There was storyline???)
Replay Value - 0/10 (You've got to be kidding.)
Humour - 10/10

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 03/25/01, Updated 03/25/01