Paperboy

"Think of your cat's litterbox prior to cleaning. This game is worse."

Yeah....

This game is another one of those supposed classics, that keeps getting revived on every single system. I have never played the original version of Paperboy. I do not know what console it was first on. Nor do I care. In fact, if I ever play another Paperboy game, I might consider committing myself to the local nuthouse. This game is disgusting. It's wretched. It reeks. Think of the mess that the dog left on the carpet that one day you left it inside when you went out. Think of your cat's litterbox prior to cleaning. This game is worse.

I guess everyone should know Paperboy. It's been done to death. Paperboy, Paperboy 2, Paperboy on the portables, Paperboy 64....We get the point Tengen. Stop the pain, please. The basic premise of the game is that you are a paperboy, or girl (only in the sequels). You must land a newspaper in the mail box of, or on the door mat of, the houses of your subscribers, whilst avoid various obstacles. You lose subscribers from missing houses and breaking windows.

Why did Tengen need to port this. This game is a case of 'If you've played them once, you've played them all'. It's unneccessary. It'd already been in the arcade, on PC, Atari, NES, SMS, Gameboy, Game Gear, and the Lynx prior to this horrible mess, so why another. We'll never know. All we can hope is that Paperboy is dead, and that no-one shall ever dig him up. Ever.

When asking this game whether any part of it was worthwhile, 'Not I' was the response from the graphical department. The graphics are simply atrocious. Disgustingly coloured, poorly drawn, hopelessly animated. You think the graphics might possibly have been polished a bit for the Genesis and Megadrive version, but alas, this is far from the case. The Master System and Nintendo Entertainment System versions are completely comparable in terms of graphical quality. Just plain and outright awful. Collision detection is miserable too, nothing flowing the way it should. Again relating to the mess left by a cat in it's sandbox.

Sound is pretty non existent, and what's there, frankly, blows. Not much music to speak of, just a short tune at the beginning and end of each level, and that makes your ears want to bleed. The sound effects are not any better. Hopeless digitized voice samples that try to be funny fail miserably. Everything is consists of blurred blips and bloops, and not much more. Still reminds me of a litterbox.

Story, like many games, does not exist. Deliver the papers, or else.

The gameplay retains that of every other single Paperboy game in existent. It's that damn bad. Choose from 3 levels, Easy Street (pardon the hopeless Atari pun, they paid for it ^.^), Medium Road, Hard Way (again, avoid thinking of the pun). After choosing your hopeless level, you see who you need to deliver papers to, and who you don't. Then you are sent off on your way, with a bag of papers. You got to get them in the mail box or on the door mat. If you break someone's window, they stop subscribing. If some do unsubscribe, you get them back if you avoid losing any more the next day. If you don't lose any, you get an extra life. Wowee. Still smells like cat poo.

The controls stink too. A, B and C throw papers. Up makes you accelerate. Down makes you break. Left and Right steer left and right respectively. Sounds easy. It would be if the collision detection didn't suck. Miserable collision detection makes controlling the game far harder than it should be. Maybe a formal apology on Tengen's part for such a shocking game is in order.

There's nothing to keep the game for. Heck, if you bought this, I don't like you. You cannot be my friend. *slap on the wrist*. I guess if you can play it for more than 5 seconds, there's enough game to keep you satisfied for one, two days tops. Then you will be screaming that the game reeks of feline fecal matter.

Overall, um...Avoid. Keep it away. If someone happened to give it to you as a gift, you know they don't like you. Use it as torture for little brothers and sisters. Use it as a firestarter. Above all, buy a few copies and use it to line your kitty's litterbox. Once again, avoid.

Graphics: 3.2

Quite hopeless. There are better looking 8-bit games around. The horrible collision detection has a massively detrimental effect on the gameplay.

Sound: 2.5

There isn't much sound, but what's there is pretty yuck. The digitised voice samples are NOT funny, and then again, they are so muffled, hearing them is a total chore.

Story: N/A

None to speak of.

Gameplay: 3.4

Standard Paperboy fair. Chuck the papers in the right spot, and move on. The previously mentioned horrid collision detection makes play a nightmare.

Control: 1.9

Horrid collision detection makes an easy game into a total nightmarish mess.

Lastability: 0.4

Even if you look above everything already mentioned, there's jack all there worth troubling yourself. 3 different levels, 3 different difficulties.

Pro's

- Cart burns
- Cart can line your cat's litterbox
- Instruction book serves above purposes

Con's

- It smells like the contents of a dirty litterbox
- Everything about the game is just a mess
- Tengen made more Paperboy games after

Does it belong in my collection? HELL NO!

Even if you must have every game on the system, purchase with caution. Avoid opening the contents of the box. They are bad. Hurty. Ow.

Overall: 1.2 (Adjusted to 1)

You know the drill. If a game smells like a cat's fecal matter, it's not appropriate for play. Yes people, it's that damn bad, and I had to play it long enough to write this review. Be thankful for this warning.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 06/30/01, Updated 06/30/01