Ka-Ge-Ki: Fists of Steel

"Big heads and repetition, in that order."

How can I resist?!

Kids, impulse buying is a very dangerous thing to do. Here I was at a used game store I rarely go into, if ever. Now, if there's one thing that can attract the eye of a ''L337'' gamer like myself, it's a stack of Genesis games going for low, low prices. Still kicking myself for selling Streets of Rage 2 but keeping the X-men game, I hope to redeem myself by burrowing through a mound of titles long since forgotten and yanking out a gem. Pulling aside what seems like countless copies of Charles Barkley's ''Shut up and Jam,'' I find myself holding a bizarre game I had never heard of before, and one on the Genesis as well.

Now, what review could be without a long and tiring description of the reviewer's personal expenditures? I spent 5.99 bucks US on this title: ''Ka Ge Ki: Fists of Steel.'' That's not a great deal of money, and money I was willing to part with for a slice of obscurity. Like a fool, I was attracted by the back cover of the game. Two large-headed Japanese dudes slugging each other. The text egged me on further:

''AN AWESOME LEFT! AN EXPLOSIVE RIGHT! Your Fists Vs. The Street Gangs''

Going once, going twice, sold to the fool in the used game store.

Ka Ge Ki was growing strong... until I played it. The game, boiled down into one word: ''really ****ing dumb''. Your main character is a giant-headed Japanese street fighter armed with two moves: jab and straight. One punch is mapped to B, the other to C. The A button jumps, rendering you totally invincible as you vault across the screen into a new location. Hit B and C together, and you have a ducking evasion only cosmetically different from the jump.

The game is a standard side-scroller where you see the profile of the characters... normally. Should one person be above the other in the 3 / 4ths overhead view, the characters will turn and face each other, demonstrating perhaps the worst depth perception I've ever seen in a video game. Because of this, all of your fighting is to be done facing the other guy horizontally; should you face vertically you must jump to an area which would necessitate the enemy face you the way you want him to.

I am the ****ing Ka Ge Ki master.

The gameplay mechanics in this review could just as easily make a comprehensive FAQ; the game is about as deep as a child's wading pool. To beat the standard jobber-type enemies, which come in increasing amounts later on within the nine levels, align yourself to face the opponent and mash jab over and over until they drop (think Final Fight). The nine bosses can be beat in the same method, but sub the rapid-jabs with timed straight punches: bash once, back up, bash again. The bosses will hit the mat, wiggle around, and get back up to repeat the bruise-heavy fandango.

Let me say foremost that the last boss on hard mode can be beaten with this method, as can the first boss on easy mode. Irritatingly, when a boss is knocked down, it takes him a very long time to get back up. The bosses spend more time on their backs than Pam Anderson does during a home movie. Many fights, the bosses will be on the floor more times than they'll be fighting you, yet the resilient bastards never tire of getting back up. Worse yet, the fights are long. Very long. There's some options to increase the amount of life all the characters have in addition to increasing the amount of rounds: making the game that much longer. That could amount to hours of one boss wiggling and staring at the ceiling in pain.

I'm sure the bosses are only different cosmetically. Thankfully, each of the nine bosses has different sprites, if only for the same attacks. There's the cocky Japanese guy, the fat Japanese guy, the lanky Japanese guy, the bald one, the angry one, the Hispanic one, and my favorite boss who looked vaguely like Rick from Splatterhouse with a surgeon's mask instead of a hockey mask. How far you have fallen, Rick.

The backgrounds are interesting on some level, with ceramic pandas and Japanese scrolls lying next to old tires and pieces of rebar, like some Buddhist crackhouse. The game plays out in a highrise, and it appears to be a slumlike highrise. Occasionally a background repeats itself, but there are other far worse things to concern myself with here, like groaning aloud when one boss regenerates his health and forces me to straight-punch him for another five minutes.

Speaking of which, let's discuss replay: there's none of it. I bought this game and finished it in the same hour, and that included the car ride back to my place. The only reason to play through all nine of the nearly identical bosses (plus jobbers) is to see the ending: your character repeatedly grabbing the ass of your girlfriend while a pile of beaten thugs twitch in what can only be explained as arousal.

Sometimes I wonder how companies that make bad games stay in business, but I'm learning that Jaleco is the exception rather than the rule: Ka Ge Ki was made by a company named ''Sage's Creation'' in 1990, and look where they are now: nowhere. What some might call bad fortune I might label justice. Not a week ago, I said that I didn't want to see the successor to Ginga Ninkyouden, but I tripped over this game like a land mine. What does ''kaboom'' translate to in Japanese?

Any last words, hangedman?

Me: ''Ouch.''

OVERALL: 3 / 10
Preschoolers can school the bosses in this game.

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*Rick would take a meat cleaver to this game given half a chance.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 03/19/02, Updated 03/19/02