Sonic the Hedgehog

"Let's misconstrue things a little!"

Pure. Sex. Appeal. That's the first thing that flashes through your mind when you pick up the box to Sonic the Hedgehog, the sexiest mammal ever to trespass onto the hallowed grounds of your Sega Genesis. Staring you down with 1 eyebrow poignantly raised, he lifts his arm and points upwards. His finger tells you he's on the up-and-up as a swingin' bachelor, but his eyebrow is raised. ''I'll need your help to win, chummer...but can you do it?'' it says to you. ''Oh yes I can,'' you respond. ''Oh yes.''

Pop Sonic into your Genesis and snuggle the controller into your clammy mitts while you sit and watch a REAL man work. While other guys are cruisin' around for women, taking a spin in their fancy cars, Sonic works without any fancy mechanical gizmos. On the contrary, he takes himself for a spin around each zone, lookin' to pick up those hot woodland chicks that are dying to meet him. Sonic's not a picky guy, he tries to love everyone equally. In fact, his entire journey requires his saving a bevy of creatures great and small.

Just like any REAL man, Sonic has an arch-nemesis, Dr. Robotnik. Robotnik is an overweight man with beady eyes and a handlebar mustache, somehow being respected and high-ranking in his line of work despite the fact that he looks and acts completely inept for the role. That's right, Sonic's foe is none other than Ron Jeremy, famed Porn Star, and Sonic has to take him down. It seems that Ron-botnik prefers animals, so he's kidnapped as many as he can from Sonic's home and stashed them away all over the place. Sonic blitzes through each winding stage, hopping from ledge to ledge and avoiding Rob-Jere-nik's obstacles while saving those precious ladies from a fate worse than death.

Sonic gains power from the mystical ''rings'' he collects, dropped here-and-there by the married females of the woods. See, they want badly to hook up with the quick-yet-tender hedgehog, and leave their wedding bands scattered about to keep Sonic in high spirits. The moment Sonic touches a nefarious enemy or trap, he scatters them all in a bravado of circular patterns. Sonic may be a tough guy, but when it comes to the ladies he's likes to show he's a shy type; just the thought of touching something else causes him to freak and drop their gold. Even when he's gettin' hurt, he shows he's a real ladies man. Of course, you can quickly pick up those rings again so that Sonic can take another hit; however, if you don't have any rings on you when the bad man comes, then Sonic's going to call it quits. As long as Sonic has one lovely lady's ring on him, he will survive the skirmish and be able to press onward. If he don't, then it's lights out, Sonic the Swinger. Sonic don't swing THAT way.

Sonic's greatest trait is his speed. Hedgehogs aren't known for their speed, but Sonic is another case entirely - he can run as fast as your screen can hope to keep up with, scorching territory faster than his old wedding certificate. What's amazing is that he never gets tired, despite running for extreme periods of time. He must have that stamina from keeping the lovely ladies happy all night long -- or does he have the stamina for the ladies because he runs so much? Who knows...all I know is that Sonic is such the feisty male that he doesn't even bother with clothing. Granted, he has a little bit of a belly on him, but he makes sure the women know that he's not an overweight slouch. He has impressive running and jumping skills, which he uses to scour each stage for wedding rings and hot lil' honies alike.

When it comes to dropping the bad guys, Sonic uses the very thing that Hedgehogs are known for - their spiny backs. Sonic may get a good leg work-out every day, but he's not about to flip himself at an odd angle just so he can kick an enemy and hope to damage them. No, this critter will jump and land squarely on his enemies, using the quills protruding from his back to punish the kidnappers. Each act has several zones in them that you gotta blitz through, loaded to the gills with such enemies (and, of course, the money, the power, and the women). Ron Jeremy will pay, Sonic, and you'll get to square off against him at the end of every act, so hurry up and get through those stages!

So as you return to the cover of the box, you're ready to stare right back at Sonic's eyebrow and say ''Yes, I am ready to help you sate your lusty desires for women and power. Ron Jeremy will pay for his horrendous misdeeds to these animals, and I am here to guide you through your guest.'' And if you're lucky, Sonic might just wink back at you. After all, he only needs to wear a pair of shoes and a smile to get the job done...so what's wrong with that?

Reviewer's Score: 10/10, Originally Posted: 08/15/02, Updated 08/15/02