Dark Castle

"A testament of what to do and not to do in a game"

Back in the days when I was a dumb and impressionable kid and my limited understanding of the English language, plus the high disadvantage of not having the commodities we have today (Read: Online reviews) were a crucial limitation in the difficult task that was the choosing of a new game, there was this game I so much desired; so much that I would literally do anything to get it. This game was so rich, colorful and fun (Note that by that time I had already played it) that a simple kid like me just couldn't afford to miss. Me, being a proud owner of the Sega Genesis, who liked to fancy himself with a rich library of good games, just had to have in his hands this magnificent gem that went by the name of “Sonic the Hedgehog”.

And indeed the day had come, and indeed I held the game in my hands, and indeed my dad, being the good-natured economy freak that he is, did not approve the money that was to be invested in such an expensive piece of “trash”. ($49 US dollars) His kind and wise words on the virtues of economy will always stick in my mind:

“Why the hell would you want to waste 50 dollars in that rubbish? How many times do I need to tell you not to waste money in stupid looking crap? Here, better take this game, it costs 19 dollars and it has a better name than that trash.” (This conversation REALLY happened)

That game was Dark Castle…a good game according to my dad’s “bizarre better name = cheaper price = good game” theory on economics.

But the truth is that this game is bad…horribly bad, bad beyond anything I ever played before and after. (Well, maybe Shadow of the Beast II, but that’s too painful to talk about) And to top it all off, the game comes straight from, yes you guessed, Electronic Arts.

If you were among the people who did not play an EA game during the life span of the 16 bits era consider yourself lucky, because you didn't miss anything. Electronic Arts’ games were so bad, I mean SO BAD, the Sega refused to manufacture them. Did you ever see one of those bizarre and bulky Genesis games that were larger than the usual cartridge length and had a yellow plastic pad in the upper left corner? Yep, that's an Electronic Arts’ game.

The game is noble, it really tries hard to entertain, but this game is so bad that I often question the sanity of whoever involved in the cooking of this stink fest. You play some stupid looking medieval guy (plataformer style) who dares to enter the Dark Castle armed with the impressive artillery of small throwing rocks. *gasp* Any attempt to look like a Castlevania killer is mere fancy.

“Well Einstein, you just spoke your mind, but just get straight to the point. Is it fun or not, dammit?!”

Umm… no. It’s funny, in a stupid way, but it is not funny in the “ultimate” way.

Graphics: 3
Fortunately for this vegetable, graphics are not an important factor in my enjoyment of games, but it must be expressed that this game’s graphics are just bad, bad, bad…Not as bad as, say, a NES game, but bad nonetheless. Granted, some of the locations (One of them) look OK, but it’s definitely not something you will remember in your deathbed.

Sound Effects: 9
This game, surprisingly enough, features a very good repertory of (limited) sound effects. How can we (The unlucky 10 people in all the planet) who played this game forget the annoying yelps of those eyes? Or the stupid sobs of the main character? Even if such sound effects are stupid, the quality of them is respectable; something surprising considering the overall crapness of the game.

Music: 2
Ok, I don’t know how to say this so I’ll try it the best that I can. Bach’s Toccata & Fugue is the ONLY music you will be hearing for the entirety of this torture. Even though I love Bach’s haunting piece I grew tired of it; the treatment that it received in this game is a blasphemy to Bach’s good name. Translating this brilliant piece of musical work into a bad sounding format is the result of a very bad acid trip and it is a mistake no mortal should dare to commit ever again.

Control: 1
Bad, bad, bad control. I won’t even elaborate on that, all I will say is that this guy has a serious limb problem. For instance, your medieval guy can jump a distance leap that would put any professional athlete to shame…and yet he falls and slaps on his face when you run over a 2cm tall protuberance in the road. Worse yet, you can’t jump in a straight vertical line, or small jumps of a few feet forward, no sir, you are forced to jump that manly athletic jump every time. It is impossible to take hold of ropes too, something that will result in the systematic death of our hero.

Gameplay: 1
Oh God…well, you basically wander through the Dark Castle in a plataformer style, doing stupid things and fighting growling eyes with hands and bats that like to crap on you. Your impressive inventory of throwing stones does not make things sweeter, I assure you. Basically, you have a 360 attack system in which the main character can twist his arm in ANY direction, completely violating the laws of sane anatomy, to throw his stones of doom…not that they are of much help, though.

Story/Plot: 1
Plot? What plot?! Is there a plot for this thing?! Well, apparently there is, you play some skinny medieval guy (Read: Feudal farmer) who enters the Dark Castle in search of some pieces of some stupid armor. (Or something like that) Merlin has something to do with this, if memory serves me well, but this Arthurian icon does not save this bad plot.

Design: 5
Ugh! Well, there is some good design here and there, like cave entrances and underground rivers, but it’s nothing way too impressive. The castle itself looks stupid, indeed.

A.I: 0
This game has no artificial intelligence of any way. Enemies just jump at you from all sides and this game quickly becomes a challenge for the reflexes instead of the mind.

Challenge: 1
The only challenge here is to play the game without questioning what the hell was going on in the designers’ heads. Had this game been a little bit better, then perhaps we could estimate the REAL challenge of the game…but seeing as how this is not the case, the real challenge remains a mystery. Mastering the bad controls is a challenge on itself, but this only helps to lower this dog’s self esteem instead of making of it a fun game.

Buy/Rent.
I don’t even think they rent this box of horrors anymore, but if you want to have a nice afternoon making fun of a crappy piece of gaming (Just like having fun of a really bad low budget b-movie) by all means rent it if you have it.

You can buy it and make soap of it if you have the means to do so too…

Final Score. (Average is rounded to the closes pair number. Ex: if 7.5 = 8, but if 6.5 = 6)

Graphics: 3
Sound Effects: 9
Music: 2
Control: 1
Gameplay: 1
Story/Plot: 1

Total: 2.8

Final score: 2

Final comments.

The why a game this bad ever came to exist baffles me, but then again it is one of those things that might serve an ultimate purpose. After all, plagues and natural disasters help to balance animal population growth, and they are not pretty. The existence of dead awful games like Dark Castle serves us to remind us of just how bad things may turn into; a testament of what to do and not to do in a game. It also serves us as a reminder to cherish the brilliance of many other games, teaching us to truly recognize the merits of those who have merits to be recognized.

Perhaps that's the ultimate function of bad games…

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 08/25/02, Updated 08/25/02