Ka-Ge-Ki: Fists of Steel

"Even a girl could beat this girly game"

The Genesis. A man’s system. No games about pansy pokemon or cutesy little green dinosaurs ever dirtied its cartridge slot. Instead, this hallowed hole passionately received the masculine shooters and beat ‘em ups that were thrust into it. Beat ‘em ups like Ka Ge Ki. What business, then, does a girl raised on the sweet flute music of the Super Nintendo have presuming to play Ka Ge Ki?

Psst, girls: Ka Ge Ki is one of the Genesis’ best kept secrets. Move over Crystal’s Pony Tale; we girls have a new game to enjoy.

At first, the manly punching noise (that actually sounds nothing like a punch but more like a bottle being crushed on pavement) might be intimidating. But if you can brave this nasty title screen, you’re in for a treat. The hero of Ka Ge Ki is a real dreamboat, and I don’t just mean that one frame of animation, but the other one as well. He has sexy black hair and huge muscular square shoulders that taper to a slim waist and a tight little set of buttocks. True, his cranium is quite oversized. But girls, we all know what they say about men with oversized heads *wink* *wink*.

This hero is some sort of vigilante who has to fight his way to the top of an abandoned apartment building that has been converted into a bad guy hideout. During each “stage,” or floor of the building, he has to fight a different member of the gang as well as a few cloned henchmen who all look the same. But it’s nothing to get your pantyhose in a knot over. Each stage is introduced by a pleasant nasal voice gently announcing “let’s fight,” whereupon the two combatants walk around each other for a while until one of them decides to approach and make a punch.

Don’t worry, the game is very understanding of the fact that we aren’t good at math. It doesn’t give us a lot of confusing and complex button combos like in those icky Street Fighter games. Instead, there is a straightforward system of button use, which assigns one move to each of the Genesis controller’s three buttons. One button punches, the other jabs, and the third makes the character jump.

The fights are a little bit boring because all anyone ever does is punch. There isn’t any kicking, scratching, biting, body-slamming, shoving, or ripping out of the skull with the bloody spinal chord dangling beneath. The fighting area has depth as well as length, so you can actually move up or down as well as left or right. This makes landing a punch even harder, because if it isn’t lined up perfectly your character’s arm just won’t connect with anything. With all this frantic walking around and punching thin air, the game wisely throws in many breaks to keep us from getting too stressed out. Landing a punch is a real treat, because it causes the men to fall on the ground and writhe suggestively for a nice little while. Ooh, work those pecs, baby. Open and close that mouth. About thirty seconds later, the opponent will get up again with some of his life-meter refilled, and eventually make his way over to your general direction.

It’s too bad that when your opponent gets knocked down, you can’t move anywhere and have to stay motionless while he finishes his seizure. This means that it’s very hard to actually pick up the little bonus objects that get thrown onto the floor for you to use, like the pretty red boxing glove or the hamburger, because by the time you are released from paralysis and stroll over to the object, it has usually disappeared.

But who cares about the gameplay, really. Everyone knows that the Genesis was all about the graphics and sound. And boy, what a feast for the senses. There is a piece of music playing in the game. Not only that, but there are some samples of people actually talking, saying phrases like “hesnsobyad” or “uhnn uuuhhhhhh.” Whenever a voice comes in, the music cuts out entirely in what is I’m sure a calculated move on the part of the developers to draw attention to the wonderful voices and give them the respect that they deserve. But don’t worry, because right after the voice has finished, the music chugs in again right from where it left off.

But I have been neglecting the other men in the game. Besides our hero, there are a few other bits of eye-candy in store for us. How about the strong Burt Reynolds look-alike with a manly moustache and a see-through mesh shirt that allows enticing glimpses of the bare chest beneath. Even the comforting Richard Simmons puts in an appearance. True, his forehead is rather sloped and his afro is more subdued than usual, but there is no mistaking him in his sludge-green jogging suit. Ever diligent in showing us the benefits of an active lifestyle, Richard walks out after the completion of each fight and gives us a small demonstration of a little exercise that can easily be done right at home in the living room. Simply grab the nearest recently vanquished enemy, lift him up over your head, and toss him down the manhole. You know, the manhole that every home has. This game’s apartment building has one. On every floor.

The final boss has the biggest head of them all. I was getting very excited indeed by the time I finished beating it. It’s too bad that it’s all over in ten minutes, though. Yes, I beat the entire game in ten minutes. (Ok, it was on Easy mode…) So as far as girl-games go, Ka Ge Ki is not quite as good as Barbie Supermodel but way better than Britney’s Dance Beat. Who would think to find such a game on the Genesis?

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 03/12/03, Updated 05/06/03