Shaq-Fu

"I actually spent 8 minutes on this? eesh....."

Let me start off by saying this game is not total crud...Oh wait, I forgot, yes it is! I rented it a long time ago and looking at the cool box art and crazy-go-nuts logo, I thought to myself sarcastically ''Well, gee, I wonder how I'm gonna spend MY next five days.......and truth be told, I spent it playing a Link to the Past. Why do I hate it so you ask? If you've played it, you most likely don't need an explanation, but for the fortunate crowd who's steered clear of this abomination, here's the scoop on the game that never should have been:

Story <1/10>
Story? Oh yes, you must mean the 20 second scene that you see EVERY SINGLE TIME you fire up this turd. No save options or passwords here folks, just 100% pure start from the get-go each time action....Oh, the story! You start off as Shaq(our hero, in case the deep plot lost you there) on his way to an all-star charity basketball game, when suddenly he gets zapped into some random alternate dimension and he has to beat up people to get back home (because that's what you do in alternate dimensions, I guess...) Yup, no joke folks, the story gets no deeper than the shallow end of your neighborhood pool.

Gameplay <1/10>
But like a good Zelda game, the story never actually matters, so long as the game itself is good. Well, divert your eyes to the nearest blinding ray of light because you don't even need vision to play this! This is a really bad fighting game with a limited selection of characters and a very dull selection at that . There is no variety to the play, and each match is the same, which I will now explain. There are several controls to learn but they are easy, they are:
Power Switch: also known as the ''boredom button'', used to acivate this game. Also used to end it as well (You'll definitly need to learn this one!)
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A: I forget what this one does, it's not important
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B: Punch; also not important....read on to find out why...
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C: Kick; The only button you'll ever need(besides power) Seriously, I beat the final boss without looking by using this and backing him in a corner, just wailed away at him while reading a magazine, no joke. There is NO challenge in this game whatsoever, the enemies are really slow and even though they have flails and other assorted weapons, you can win just by kicking them over and over.....and there is no variety to the gameplay. There's only story mode(which implies that there is a story), one player vs computer(in case the computer isn't bored with the game yet) and Two player brawl(assuming you can pay a friend enough to sit down with you and play this)....which all leads to a total replay value of roughly 14 minutes. That's about how long my total play was with the game when I rented it, then I took a long, hard look at my life...

Sound <1/10>, I'm in a good mood today>
WORST ASPECT OF THE GAME!!! I know bad sound when I hear it, and I've heard higher quality sound out of an old GameBoy Pocket speaker, which actually puts the quality of this game's music to shame. The game's soundtrack, should you care to turn the speakers on the TV up to audible levels, consists of about 5 songs that sound like remixes of old, old video arcade game theme songs, which sounds fine on paper, but really listen. I was in tears laughing it sounded so cheesy, like an old Disney cartoon arcade game would have sounded.... the sound effects were equally bad, they sounded gritty and they have only about ten in the whole game, and they are all really bad.

Graphics<2/10>
I know, I'm as shocked as you to see any aspect of the game get above a one, but read on to find out why I did this! Sure, the battle backgrounds are bland and discolored, and the characters look like they could have been made better on an Atari 2600, but the visuals have one redeeming quality. If you're still reading, and care to know whatever I am rambling about, then this is it! The one redeeming quality of the game is that its world map reminds me of the one from my favorite RPG, Chrono Trigger. Other than that though, the graphics really accentuate the game's aura of badness. This game is Definitly Not eye candy.

So let's recap, shall we?
Pros:
-Chrono Trigger-like world map
-you don't have to play it if you don't want to
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Cons:
-Bad Graphics
-Horrible sound quality
-Childishly easy
-Never has been fun, never will
-You may play it on accident

Overall:1/10
Avoid this one like a pack of hungry bears.....

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 07/06/03, Updated 07/06/03