Dark Castle

"Execrable"

There's a reason EA was forced to create and publish their own games for the Sega Genesis. I’m sure whoever decided this was pleased with their decision after the release of Dark Castle. In all honesty, Dark Castle is quite possibly the most atrocious, abysmal, ignominious, god-awful game ever to be created for the Sega Genesis. It fails on every level imaginable by man

The title comes erupting onto the screen, aided by streaks of lightening throughout the sky. A dark, melancholic theme begins to play, setting the mood. Does it sound cool?

It's not.

This mood is completely abolished within the first three minutes. All the other aspects that make up Dark Castle are doomed for failure from the get-go as well. The first thing that the player, you, will notice is the lack of any real storyline. Since the storyline isn't even given to you, you’re left with using your imagination. What is the purpose of you being in this big, desolate castle? Is there just some magical item that you have to get back from some hulking beast at the end of the castle? Did EA use the clichéd plot of “Princess in Trouble?”

Who knows?!

Since you don’t really know what your purpose at the castle is, you just decide to wonder around some. Your character comes to an area with red carpet, outlined by gold laces. Shields, from valiant knights that were once alive, hang quietly above the doorways with symbols engraved in each of them. The doors that reside underneath them each lead to a specific part of the castle that you have to explore. One leads to a chamber that ends up being a cavern with descending ropes. You can attempt to jump to one of the ropes, only to miss (due to bad controls), and fall to another area.

This is one of the biggest problems with Dark Castle is its controls. For most of the game, you’ll be trying to jump over pits and throw rocks at enemies. You need a good controller scheme to do this effectively. Dark Castle‘s controller scheme is about as efficient as the pull through at McDonald’s.

Your whole body looks like one giant Lego man, and it moves just like one, too. If there’s a bat hovering over head in the night sky, you’ll have to press and hold up so your arm can make its way above your body, then throw. Want to throw a rock at the mouse that‘s chewing at your shoes now? You’ll have to hold down till your arm makes its way down to the bottom portion of your body. You can’t even throw a rock without getting angry once or twice. This “Throwing the rock up and down” process can take around two seconds each time, that’s not acceptable when you’re trying to dodge a million monsters.

Now, take the frustration of that, and combine it with more asinine ideas. How about this one? You can just trip over an obstacle, and lay there for around two seconds, open to monster attacks. Say you’re walking over a drawbridge, and you get to the end of it. You trip and fall. They also have it to where if you fall off a little stairway, you just get dazed and confused for about three seconds. We’re not done yet.

The whole game looks like it was animated by a three-year-old that’s color blind. There’s no eye candy for you to stare at, no impressive kaleidoscope of colors. In fact, in all of the areas, the courtyard, basement, torture room, and more, all look mediocre at best. They’re made up of simple designs that barely look like whatever they’re trying to portray. There’s a part of the game where you need to swing from vines Pitfall Harry style. Instead of looking likes vines, they look like broomsticks that sway back and forth. There’s no fancy green or red parallax to spice up the background, either. Very bland.

From the slow, lackadaisical movement of your character, to the abominable paper-mâché backdrops, the absence of any real aesthetic effects, unresponsive controls, and the fact that there's not even a hint of storyline, Dark Castle is a game that’s sure to leave you feeling nauseated

Final = 1

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 10/07/03