Syd of Valis

"“Oshimai”? More like “Ohmygod” to me."

There exist a company known as Telenet Japan (or Lasersoft). Their name may occasionally pop up in a few American games. Does Valis ring a bell? If not, I'm not really surprised. The majority of their US released games are fairly pitiful and this game is no exception. Syd of Valis is one of Telenet Japan's numerous “Black Sheep” games. Valis was popular in Japan, but when this game was made…well, let's just pretend that this accident never happened. This game is a mockery to an otherwise phenomenal series……Is what I want to say. Truth is: All of the Valis games are quite mediocre, and the praise this game receives is exaggerated for what you actually get; an undeniably average action adventure game with a female heroine. This game being the “Black Sheep” is obviously the worst game. How can I say that? Hmm…Let's see…

Graphics: 4/10
Sad. Most backgrounds are bland, the colors are drab, and the detail of you and the enemies are so simplistic that you want to pity the creators of the game. The animation is choppy, the game isn't very smooth, and the special effects (Explosions, beams, etc.) are so plain. The only good thing I saw at all was Megas' background. It wasn't special or anything. It was okay. Check out some screenshots if you can. The enemies look childish as the game was modeled to have goofy “chibi” and “SD” characters that lack creativity. Even the anime cutscenes look uninspired and have little to nothing going for them. Clearly geared for children, but even they would think this game looks trite. The game can be quite glitchy too. It's made in 1992. If you like Valis 3 and Super Valis 4, run away from this game. Now.

Story: 3/10
Is this game serious?………No, no, no. I won't say what I originally intended to say…so I'll say this instead: Poor translation. That's a crying shame considering this game didn't have so much text to begin with. They could at least have done a good job. Looking at this game, it will quickly become apparent to you just how unbelievably rushed this game is. Here is a summarization of the story.(Not the exact text from the game, but close enough. Also keep in mind that I made the translation down there bad on purpose. It's just as bad in the game.)

***Opening Intro***
Syd (You): “La la la…”(Walking minding her own business)

*You hear the voice of an idiot*

Voice: “Hey Syd!!”

*Music changes to bad guy music*

Syd: “Enemy!!!”
Voice: “I am emperor Megas!! Bad guy!! Evil dude!! Growl!”
Syd: “What u want sucka?”
Megas: “I am waiting you come to Vecanti! Bring sword! I luv sword!! Gimme!”
Syd: “Why?”
Megas “Cuz I need it to…well…I don't wanna spoil it here. Come just cuz I said so!”
Syd: “Yup. Ice cream cone! Let make Megas stupid” (No period on purpose)

*Ice cream cone she has turns into a……SWORD???*

Title screen comes

The story is very mediocre and a lot of the game is still left in Japanese. Fortunately, only the credits are completely Japanese…and the Game over screen (It will say “Geemu Obaa” which translates into game over). Even still, the story is very cheap and typical save-some-kind-of-world stuff. The only reason it's a 3 instead of a 2 is because of a slightly interesting plot twist at the end of the game. As you progress through the stages, the story is poor and iterated and reiterated several times. They basically want your ice cream sword. You will eventually meet your sister, Valia, (I'm not sure if that's her name in the other games. I wonder if the girl you play with in this one is Yuko Asho or not…) who is the queen or such of Dreamland (her world). She basically just wants help. Before you even meet her, you meet your friend, Reiko, who just pops up abruptly and with not much to say. She talks…as though she's dead and lives on in Syd's heart. The story is so horrid though that it's nearly impossible to tell for certain. Only absolute true Valis fans would know. The character development is beyond terrible and the way the characters are introduced into the flow of the story is pathetic. You might as well just went straight to Vecanti and fought Megas, with no text at all. You know nothing personal about anybody except that Syd is good (And probably loves ice cream), and Megas wants your sword. Valia is your sister and Reiko is a friend. Enough said. Truthfully, I feel that I elaborated more on the story than the developers. The final word in the ending is “Oshimai”. I have no clue as to what that means. Just the fact that they say Japanese stuff to you in the ending is horrible…being as this is an American released game. I guess I should mention that Renovations brought this game overseas. They tried, but its painfully obvious that little thought was put into it. Its almost like just making a Japanese game an American one, by bringing it over and not doing anything with it. I'll “check” what Oshimai means.

Gameplay: 4/10
The game is flawed. They did things in poor sequence, and the execution is terrible. Your weapons, armor, and stats also are flawed. For starters, let's talk about your weapons and armor. You usually get a weapon and some armor every level. When you get armor, it seems like it does nothing (with the exception of the speed stat), and when you get a weapon, it feels as though it does the same damage (unless you go from 25 power to 50 or 75). When you get new armor, odds are, it makes the previous armor useless, because it's often better. When you get a new weapon, it's not so bad, but it becomes annoying to constantly switch weapons, and they usually aren't different, except in how they attack (which makes certain weapons useful against certain enemies). When you level up your weapons, you actually begin to see some differences. Your primary attack becomes stronger than everything else, and your weapons become bigger and better. One pretty dumb weapon is the homing-shot. It doesn't do its job well. Speaking of leveling up, It happens so late in the game that it's just plain moronic. You fight this cheap robot looking boss, who does this seemingly unavoidable attack, that takes TONS of life, and you still have a level one weapon. The only way I can see to beat him is to use a three-way shot, and as soon as he shoots missiles, I PURPOSELY run into him (I lose life) until his missiles are gone, run out of him, quickly run back the perfect distance away, crouch down, shoot him, run back and shoot, he shoots missiles, I run into him…etc. If you do it right, you can “kill” him before he kills you. One screw-up, and you're probably dead. What kind of stupid excuse is that? Because he's overpowered, by perhaps, a gameplay flaw? You can't destroy his missiles in time. You should have had level up items placed in times where you need extra strength, not throw them around near the end of the game. Some of the last levels are extremely annoying and exaggerated, and odds are, you probably will use the invincibility cheat. I never, EVER, use cheats, but I'll admit it. I cheated. Don't be ashamed to admit it. The code exists for this game in particular because you should take it upon yourself to cheat. I did it more out of impatience though, because I've beaten way harder games. When I think something sucks, I don't tend to stick around for long. I would be pretty cautious on the final levels, and it's not cool to see my life bar refill for the third or fourth time. This is with the cheat activated mind you. That means I would have died three or four times. You don't have any continues either. Ever. This game didn't want you to win. The game starts off disappointingly easy…Like a child's game should. Its not bad when a game is hard. It IS bad when a game is bad due to something like terrible programming. Bullets can whiz right through bosses, even when you hit the right spot (don't want to talk about hit-detection). Syd's speed is awry. Even slight speed enhancements can have her whiz by uncontrollably. This is not Sonic the Hedgehog. She doesn't even need that much speed. There is one last thing I should mention…now I don't know if this feature makes the game really cool (I doubt it), but once you beat the game, if you wait, you start back on the first stage with all your powers. It's like an “easy” mode. There is one strange thing though. Unlike the normal course of the game, Syd's character portrait is happy. Oshimai could probably mean something like, play again and you get a code or some porn. I want codes! Oh yeah……..the game doesn't have an options mode, so you can't even hear the lame music if you wanted to. Cheers.

Sound: 4/10
Nothing in this game sounds really good. Nothing. The music is bland, and very repetitive. It's even pretty bad considering the Genesis' sound chip. The music is mediocre, and the sound is equally as mediocre. The only cool sounding thing in this game is the game over logo. It's dark, malice filled melody is enhanced by a foreign language, adding to the creepiness. I call that tune “stranger than strange” because it's a riddle wrapped in a puzzle, buried in an enigma to non-japanese, although the tune itself is pretty mediocre and self explanatory. Once you hear it, you pretty much know you're screwed. This game may have done wonders for the Nintendo, but I could be wrong.

To Buy or Not To Buy?
I heard this is the rarest of all Valis games (Next to the American Turbo Grafx 16 Valis 2 and 3, which are said to be the rarest games on the system, along with Book of YS 1 & 2) and for good reason. This game is also a bit costly compared to other Valis games, which cost nothing. I would NOT buy this game, but I already have Valis 3 for TG16 and Genesis, as well as SV4 for SNES, and I'm going to buy V2 for TG16. It's a fairly bad buy, but, as usual, there are worst games.

Overall: 4/10 (Even)
The unanimous 4's mean this game is below average, and far below my recommendation 7. I only found this game amusing because it's an American game that tests my knowledge of Japanese, something I don't fully appreciate. There are a few other rare games like this one (EX: Breath of Fire 4, with Japanese credits, and Baku Baku for Saturn, with a very strange “League” mode, left almost ENTIRELY in Japanese), but they aren't winning any awards for procrastination. This is an otherwise flawed action game that should be left alone. Leave Syd to her ice cream, and good come to you. Of course, everyone buys games like these anyway just to see what they're like. *Sigh* I often wonder what point there is behind writing reviews.

Reviewer's Score: 4/10, Originally Posted: 11/11/04