Batman Forever

"This could take all night..."

Batman! He's the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight, and easily one of the greatest superheroes of the DC comic universe. This highly skilled vigilante has been protecting the city of Gotham for decades, fighting to honor the memories of his murdered parents and honing his crime-fighting abilities to absolute perfection. He's faced down psychos, saved the world, and has gone toe to toe with the Man of Steel on more than a few occasions. Yes, Batman truly is the greatest superhero of our time…at least in the cartoons, movies and comic books. Video games are another story. While Batman may the personification of hardcore, the various video games in his namesake don't do him much justice. The Dark Knight has been plagued with crappy titles for years now, treating fans to ill-manufactured slop with the Batman logo printed on top. Sadly, Batman Forever reminds us of why they are so bad.

It's a brand new day in Gotham. Batman has recently ridden the city of both the Penguin and Catwoman, allowing the citizens to go about their daily lives once more. That is, until there's a massive breach of security at Arkham Asylum. Two-Face, a criminal mastermind with a split personality, has broken out of the high security prison. He's leading a bunch of other crazy thugs on a rampage that could annihilate anything good and decent still remaining in the city. But while Two-Face's doubly dangerous style of crime is devastating enough, another villain has emerged from the shadowy depths to wreak his own havoc on the unsuspecting urbanites. The Riddler uses his mind to befuddle his victims, leaving drooling zombies in his wake. With the safety and sanctity of Gotham hanging in the balance yet again, it's up to Batman and Robin to save the day.

Without a moment to spare, the two heroes suit up to battle their new foes. They arrive at the scene only to be confronted with a small army of armed lunatics just waiting to get a piece of the Dynamic Duo. Of course, these guys don't know what they're in for. Batman is known throughout the world for not only his technical genius in just about every field, but he's also a master of multiple forms of combat. And while Robin in nothing more than the young sidekick, he has all the skills he needs to take on just about anyone. Yet despite their supposedly vast mastery of the martial arts, these two vigilantes fight like a couple of drunken bar patrons. Only punches, kicks, and uppercuts make up their not-so classy moves. Luckily, our heroes come armed and dangerous with some weapons, like Batarang projectiles and Grappling Hooks. Too bad they can only carry a few weapons at a time, severely hurting their chances of their crusade's success.

It shows, too. Not only are our heroes utterly inept and hand to hand combat, but the lagging controls bring their assault to nearly a standstill. The slightly bad hit detection doesn't help their cause much, either. While Batman and Robin are shuffling through the crime scene, foes will have no trouble surrounding and outmaneuvering them. Whenever one of the Dynamic Duo tries attack, the foe will easily block or evade, leaving the hero wide open for a brutal beat down. However, all hope is not lost. While these guys can clearly outmatch you in almost every way, they're a little lacking in the brains department. Many of the earlier foes will waltz right up to you, practically begging for some swift justice to the chin. It's just a matter of mastering the flawed gameplay and using it as best you can against your dangerous foes.

The funny thing is, these countless thugs and minions don't really seem that threatening. You'll face down crazy people in jumpsuits, guys in yellow business suits, dudes with masks and chainsaws, bondage enthusiasts with spotted tights, a pair of French maid femme fatales, and two of Gotham's least savory citizens. Unfortunately, their animations are so slow and choppy that they seem more like cripples than evildoers. Also, you can't see very many of their features. The characters are all grainy and lacking in detail, rendering the nothing more than faceless villains. Thankfully, the Dynamic Duo feature far more detail, stealing the proverbial spotlight as they amble across the screen. At least the levels are rendered with a fair amount of quality, ranging from the dank and dingy cells of Arkham to the brightly colored halls of Gotham Bank to a fancy banquet hall.

However, any chance of the appeal is immediately crushed by the game's horrendous audio quality. The game comes with a fair amount of music, ranging from the dramatic menu tune to the mysterious melody battle music in the Training Mode. The soundtrack does decent as a whole, adding a tiny bit of drama to an otherwise boring game. But while the background music may be passable for early Genesis standards, but the sound effects are inexcusable. The explosions are muffled and static, taking away anything remotely realistic about this anti-crime crusade. The character voices are even worse. When you start up the game, you'll hear Two-Face proclaim, “If the Bat wants to play, we'll play!” Not only does this tiny snippet sound nothing like its movie counterpart, it's so scratchy and rough that it'll take a few times before you understand the words. His minion's are even worse. As you knock out foe after foe, they'll emit the same startled yelp, the sound of which can only be rightfully compared to fingernails on a chalkboard. With so many irritating noises it'll be a true test of your patience.

Games based on movies are usually bad. Games based DC comic book heroes are usually bad. Both are common phenomena in the gaming industry. But when you combine these two characteristics into a single game, you'll produce something far worse than either could achieve on their own. Batman Forever is such a product. Though it loosely follows the plot of the movie, the similarities of the game and its namesake end there. The game has a pathetic combat system, bland heroes and villains, butchered graphics and audio quality that will make you twitch in discomfort. When everything is said and done, it's the complete package of gaming lameness. If you're looking for some entertainment, look elsewhere. This game is utterly devoid of it.

Reviewer's Score: 3/10, Originally Posted: 09/01/05