Astrosmash

"Disasters are just another star falling in my yard..."

This is it. I could tell you that everything will be okay, and that mankind will persevere somehow. Or that we will be able to return to how things were before this happened. Reassure you that the underground bunkers will save us. But those would be lies; awful, pathetic lies to be used to give you some semblance of hope in these last moments. You deserve better than that. You deserve the truth. You're not getting out of this alive. Aliens have unleashed an unending torrent of asteroids and meteors upon the planet. You know, the kind that killed the dinosaurs? Except that we're the ones going extinct this time. Even if you aren't crushed by falling debris, you'll be incinerated or drowned from the effects of the impact. If you survive that, you'll get to rot away from radiation poisoning or starve because the food supply has been wiped out. That's assuming that the aliens don't hunt you down like an animal first. It doesn't really matter how it happens. The point is that everyone is going to die. All you can hope for is a quick end.

Don't believe me? Take a look around and see what's there. Or rather, what isn't. The aliens knew how to hit us; they've already razed all the major cities with their pixilated asteroids. Houses, schools, hospitals, skyscrapers, entire governments all wiped out in a flash and replaced by rubble-ridden craters. Can you imagine it? Millions - no, billions - of people getting vaporized before they even comprehended what was going on. They were the lucky ones. As for the rest of mankind… Well, those screams will die down eventually, and mankind will finally end in a whimper. Our culture, heritage, and history will be wiped out for all time. The only thing still standing now is one of the military's laser cannons. Yeah, just try wrapping your mind around that idea. After a millennia of invention and technological advancements, all that's left to protect us is a giant gun capable of wiping out an asteroid per shot.

Well, except for the ridiculously huge chunks of debris. A direct hit will only cause such meteors to splint off into smaller, faster projectiles. Since it'll only take a single shot of alien death rays or random asteroid shrapnel to blow it up, it's little wonder why there's only a lone gun left. Whoever's behind the controls of that thing needs to have exceptional skills; one wrong move and the last, pathetic stand for mankind will be utterly decimated. But considering the fact that this weapon can actually do something against the alien invaders, you'll have to deal with its shortcomings. Despite its limited strength, the thing is a work of warfare art; it's simple, powerful, and handles well. Look at it; no fancy designs or over-the-top abilities. Just a big, blocky laser cannon capable of wreaking havoc. It's not just your typical long ranged weapon, either; rather than being a stationary sniper, it can quickly move to any spot within a limited distance. Such maneuverability is a godsend, considering how debris the size of a football field are being flung our way.

Look. Don't get your hopes up. It's tempting, I know. Even if this thing can put a dent in the invading alien forces, it isn't going to save us. When you get past the wonder and awe, you'll realize that this scenario is nothing more than a futile struggle against impossible odds. That laser cannon is the only one of its kind still operational; even if the mechanics can temporarily save it from damage, it'll eventually meet its end. There are only so many asteroids it can take down at one time. You know what the scary thing is? The aliens understand its limitations, too. That's why they're sending more and more of their flaming city-destroyers our way. If you tick them off enough, they'll send actual UFOs after you. Whoever's pulling the trigger on that gun can't handle that kind of burden for long. Instead, they'll end up trying to dodge the asteroids to save the gun…and missing the targets at the same time. How many people will die from the impacts of those missed asteroids? Hundreds? Thousands? Most of mankind has already been wiped out, so a few more innocent lives probably won't matter much. The high score, on the other hand, will suffer the most; when you subtract the lost points from what's been earned, things will look even worse.

It's sad, isn't it? A lone fighter desperately trying to defend the planet against a force that has practically decimated it already. A last stand if there ever was one. The laser cannon is the perfect weapon for such a situation, too; the high power and maneuverability are top class for similar weapons in its genre. But much like the humans it is defending, the gun is pathetically frail. Whoever's working the controls of that thing needs to have handling skills that rival the best of them. Even that won't save them from the ever-increasing barrage of asteroids, meteors, and UFOs. Death is inevitable; it's merely a matter of how many of the enemies can be taken down before it happens. Mankind may be doomed, but the high score is not. In the end, that might be what matters most.

Reviewer's Score: 9/10, Originally Posted: 10/01/08

Game Release: Astrosmash (US, 1981)