Gauntlet Legends

"(Our opening shot is of the American Flag, blowing in the breeze, as the national anthem plays in the background)"

We now begin our daily broadcast with the ''Reverend Vegita, Ace Reviewer'' newscast.


''Good morning folks! Or, depending on where in the world you are, good evening, good night, and what the heck are you still doing up at this ungodly hour?!?

::ruffles papers as he turns to camera two::

''Today I'll be reviewing Gauntlet Legends for the Nintendo 64. This game, based off the immensely popular arcade game, has finally come home to its screeching fans, looking for the next big party game with 4-player simultaneous action. What did they get? You be the judge.

::camera cuts to a prerecorded segment featuring a little boy playing Gauntlet Legends with his sister and her friend, Cameron::

Voiceover: Here we see 3 children playing Gauntlet Legends on their own home system. They seem to be having fun playing it, but they are also too young to realize the potential crap they might be enjoying at the same time. If we take the same game-

::using the wizardry of camera, the children disappear in a rather shoddy cut, replaced by 3 teens of various racial backgrounds (so as to not discriminate against anyone and thus get cut from the air)::

Voiceover: and put it before slightly more mature gamers, would it have the same effect?
Teen # 1: Dude, this game sucks.
Teen # 2: This is totally crap-tastic.
Teen # 3: Want to go watch Scream 3 again, or should we wait for the Skulls to come out on video?
Teens 1 & 2: Rightous!
Teen # 1: That movie kicked some serious booty!
Teen # 2: And Scream 3 is fly, why don't we watch that?

::camera pans over to see Vegita, standing in a very tacky orange-polyester suit, holding a microphone.::

Vegita: As you can see, this game is hardly perfect. In fact, as these three ''informed'' gamers have just plainly showed us, this is one of the worst ports from arcade-to-home ever. Allow me to expound.

::back in the studio, Vegita is now wearing a completely different suit, thus ruining the seemless editing the cameraman spent hours trying to perfect::

In the arcade, there were 4 selectable arenas to battle in - The Forest Realm, the Mountain Kingdom, the Castle Stronghold, and the Desert Area. The Mountain area was the easiest, the forest and castle settings were medium difficulty, and the desert was the hardest to complete. After beating all of these and recieving the 4 mystical keys, you travelled to the evil Skorn's cathedral. You were then able to walk inside, beat up a myriad of enemies on your way to his room, and then trash him. Upon trashing Skorn, you would get to find out that...if you didn't get all of the magical ''Rune Stones'' from each of the original 4 areas, so you get to go all the way back again!

''Ok, so the plot is a little thin. I've seen pudding with skin thicker than this game's plot. But that's not what made the arcade popular. The arcade was popular because you could have up to 4 people on screen at the same time, hacking away at the near-continuous onslaught of enemies. You could pick from 4 characters, each with their own special weapon and different starting stats: The Barbarian is al strength and used an axe; the Archer is all speed and used a crossbow; the Valkyrie is all armor and uses a sword; the Magician is all magic (duh) and uses magic (duh).

''Now, as I understand it we have all 4 of these fine characters in the studio today, ready for an interview. Let's go to Vegita now!

::cut to a shot of Vegita talking into a microphone, with the 4 character seated behind him. The audio is curiously missing.::

''Uh, Vegita, we can't seem to hear you.

::Vegita continues on with his interview, not hearing him. We see him talk to the Barbarian for a while, then the magician. The Barbarian puts his arm around the Valkyrie, and is quickly thwacked in the face by her sword. He quickly retracts his arm, and puts the other arm around the Archer. The Archer turns to him, pulls out her crossbow, and fires. She misses, but nearly pegs the Magician. He quickly stands up, knocking back Vegita, and throws a flaming skull at her. This causes the Barbarian to get mad, and a they all start fighting each other, with Vegita caught in the middle::

''Alright...well then, I believe I'll move onto the next part in our expose entitled 'Gauntlet Legends - Crap or Myth?'. Let's look at a few of the characteristics for this game.

::a computer-generated picture comes up in the corner above Vegita's head, showing a picture of the Gauntlet Legends cover::

''I will begin by pointing out the graphics of the arcade. Using poligonal animation for more lifelike movements in the characters and enemies, the game automatically suffers a blow. While in the arcade this is easily ignored by the bright colors and near-seamless production of the enemies, landscapes, and what-not, on the Nintendo 64 it is a completely different matter. The N64 version, while boasting more stages, more characters, and more general features, lacks severely in the graphical department. All the characters, scenery, and anything else that was visual in this game was downgraded. The characters were grainier, the scenery was blander, and the enemies were laughable. The animation of the arcade was gone, and in it's place was this.

::turns to camera 3 as the picture in the corner is replaced by a picture of a mountain. It has absolutely nothing to do with the broadcast or the game whatsoever, the producer just thought it would be neat to show everyone the mountain he climbed on his last vacation::

''Next up is the sound. The sound is the only part of the game to be faithfully ported from the arcade, giving you the same stupid music, same horrid background noises, and the same 3 hacking sounds for when you get into large fights. The sound is just fine but it could have at LEAST been cleaned up, or maybe added to.

''Next we have the gameplay. The gameplay for this game is simple - hack your way through the bad guys until you can destroy the bad guy generator, then find the portal that exits the stage. From there you go to the next stage, and on and on until you finally get to the boss. During the stages you can collect power-ups, life-ups, and cash. The money allows you to purchase power-ups in between stages, so you can be well-equipped for the next stage you enter. After hacking through enough enemies, your character can get level ups, which increase their armor, speed, strength, and proficiency with magic. This makes wading through the endless sea of monsters easier, right?

::turns to camera 1::

''Wrong. In the arcade this is the case, and is probably one of the reasons it is quite popular there. However, on the Nintendo 64 as you get progressively stronger, so do the enemies. So the end purpose of getting stronger is...to match your opponent's strength. Wonderful. If the stronger you get, then stronger your enemy gets, then that must mean (logically speaking) that the game is not about brute force, but about strategy, right? Strategy, schmategy. This game's idea of strategy is whether you want to pelt your enemies at a distance, or walk up and hack through them manually, or just use magic. That's it, folks. No strategy involved here. A retarded chimp could play through this game with the same amount of success as our young friends from earlier.

''Now we have our ace reporter, Vegita, out in the field on the mountain kingdom in an attempt to tell us just how bad this lack of strategy is. Vegita?

::cut to a scene of Goblins and Orcs overrunning the scene, with Vegita caught in the middle::

Vegita: Oh God, help me, they're going to kill me! There are hundreds of them and no matter how big and bad we get more and more of them come to compensate for it! GET ME OUT OF HERE I DON'T WANT TO DIE! TELL MY WIFE I LOVE H-

::cut back to the studio::

''Uh...ok, so the game's gameplay is worthless. How about the other additions? From the transfer of arcade to home, the game gained a couple of new characters. Their addition really doesn't make the game any better, though. It gained more stages, but these stages are just as tedious and annoying as the ones we already had. You gain new items, the ability to sell those items for cash, and a couple of other features that escape my mind at this point. You know, a lot of things about this game escape me, like WHY would you want to buy it? Seriously! You can have fun in the arcade, beating the same level for the 50th time with people you've never met before, because it's fun there. At home it just isn't.

::returns to camera 2::

''So to recap our story today: graphics were dumbed down, the sound is ok but not great, and the gameplay makes me want to stick random objects in my eyes. Vegita was beaten up by the main characters and the enemies of the game, and it's too early in the morning to continue with this pointless review. Good day, all.


Next up, Barney and Friends.

Reviewer's Score: 4/10, Originally Posted: 07/28/00, Updated 07/28/00