Cruis'n Exotica

"If this game was a cow , it'd have foot & mouth ."

When I first played this game on the arcade , I was like ''Whoa , this sucks . '' Seriously . The graphics are horrible ! It's like trying to drive when you've just had both of your eyes poked by a rusty metal pole . Now if that isn't bad enough , they decided to put in ''music'' . What ? There's music ? I can't hear any music . I turned up the volume too . Even Metallica can't fix this game's sound troubles . And do they have to use that annoying engine sound for everything ? Now the control , there's something partly good . The control is excellent , but there is a flaw . The flaw is that when you're trying to drive along the road , the other cars are trying to smash into you ! And they had to include the ever-so great nitro . Oh wow , now I can go all the way to 5 miles per hour ! Sweet ! The cars are bad too . I've seriously never seen a truck ( I suppose most of you guys in the east call them ''Big rigs'' ... dumb name ... ) that is a convertible . What were these guys smoking when they designed these cars ? ! ? ! It's like when the Rugrats decided to have a growed up episode . I don't like the idea of having grown people inventing new words like ''growed'' . In the arcade , all of the people playing this game pick that %^%($$()$^&($@ alien in that insanely stupid car ! His head covers the entire screen ! Come on , people . Now for the levels , refer to ''what were the designers smoking ? '' these levels are not only redundant and stupid , but they must have been insane ! Come on , driving on Mars isn't that strange for racing games , even Tony Hawk got to go to the moon , but Under the ocean ? Jeez , these guys made cruis'n USA ? Wow .

Graphics 4/10 Remember when you were a kid , and liked to spin around to get dizzy ? No ? Well now you can see what it's like !

Sound 2/10 Now , you , yes you , can feel what it's like to be deaf ! Don't turn up the music , because it makes no difference . Besides , it's horrible even if you can hear it .

Gameplay 1/10 If I'm going 147 MPH , why does it feel like I'm towing Manhattan while racing ?

Cars and levels 1/10 Hey , Bill , didn't we pass this 10 seconds ago ? As for the cars , Janet Reno is more appealing .

Overall 2/10 You know what else is annoying ? That person who always says stuff about the level . ''Wow , Ireland is so GREEN ! '' Now , that is insulting to me (Irish) and Pamela Anderson (Blonde) . You know what else I hate ? The fact that the only girls in bikinis you get are those tiny ones if you get first . What happened to the other two games ? It wasn't sexist , there were topless guys too . Strange .

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 08/09/01, Updated 08/09/01