Superman

"Curiosity killed the cat."

The only reason I ever bothered to try this game out was to make sure it was really as bad as people say it is. I mean, when I checked the review list for this game and saw that TWENTY of them gave it a 1, I had to see for myself. I now know never to make that mistake again.

OK, to be honest, these types of games don't attract me. The superhero variety of games are ones I would never pick up and try. To be fair, if this game was good, it would have slipped under my radar. But when I noticed that a friend of mine carried it (a present from his uncle, whom I have a STRONG desire to smack), I decided it would be all right to try it and find out for sure.

I didn't even know Titus existed until I read the reviews of this game that mentioned the company as being an ''abomination.'' And I think I was better off not knowing, because Titus just plain sucks as a game company.

Gameplay: -100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000/10
That's ''negative one hundred octillion'' for those of you who don't know the names of numbers that long. Actually, ''negative infinity'' would be too lenient for gameplay. It starts with Superman having to fly through rings because Lex Luthor, the ''villain'' (we all know Titus is really the villain), told him to. Then you're told to save cars, stop tornadoes, get rid of a bomb, etc., before flying through even more rings.

Now, I'm not a Superman buff, but I do know one thing: HE IS NOT LEX LUTHOR'S TRAINED DOG!!!!!! Superman doesn't fly through rings, he flies to Lex Luthor's hideout, kicks his butt, and rescues Lois. But noooooo, he has to graduate from obedience school before doing any of that. Titus sure knows how to demean a superhero.

The other area of stupidity is the abilities. Superman is supposed to have unlimited ice breath, super speed, steel protection, etc., but not here! He has to pick up items in order to keep his abilities or he can't use them! Now, if there was a cinema in which Lex's new invention hits Superman and steals his abilities, and he now has to get them back, THEN I would understand, but it's not in here, no sir!

Control: negative infinity cubed/10
Once again, I am being lenient. The control is so bad, there may just as well not be any! You have to fly pretty much 100% of the time or you'll have to suffer the unbearably slow walking speed. Tell me, when did ''faster than a speeding bullet'' turn into ''slower than a snail on booze?'' Flying in a horizontal line is okay, but when you turn in any direction--well, just keep something nearby for you to kill, you'll need it.

The button placement is so ****ed you wouldn't insult it by calling it poor. When taking off to fly, you go straight up for a few seconds before leveling off. When landing, you have to push a button or YOU CAN'T MOVE AT ALL! Worst of all, you jump by pressing R. Take a moment to catch your breath and ponder that significance. Jumping is supposed to be executed with A or B, not R. Pressing R to jump is such a chore you couldn't pay me to even attempt it.

Graphics: -100/10
Maybe I've been spoiled to GameCube graphics for awhile, but even then, this looks like the contents of my intestines. Apparently, Titus didn't want to put any effort into the graphics and decided to hide that by throwing green fart gas (called ''kryptonite fog'', but I prefer the former) everywhere you see. The backgrounds are poor with no detail, and the buildings have no windows! They're just gray rectangles!

The characters look equally poor, if not worse. In the very first cinema, you can't see any of the characters' faces until the camera pans in really close. Superman is just a bunch of squares and rectangles piled onto each other. These graphics would be AVERAGE on the Super NES.

The game also has graphical glitches up the yingyang. Once, while I was in training mode, I tried to land on the highest balcony of a building and went THROUGH the balcony onto the next elevation! There's also flying through walls to skip difficult puzzles and the game freezing every once in a while. Titus should be reeling from this.

Sound: -100,000/10
I shouldn't be rating this since I didn't hear much sound, but I will because that is NOT WHAT AN ACTION GAME SHOULD SOUND LIKE!!! Action games are supposed to have uplifting, edge-of-your-seat music, but not this puppy. The only real spoken dialogue is the Man of Steel saying, ''This sounds like a job for Superman!'' Yeah right, as if flying through rings would ever be a job for Superman.

Overall: a negative number so big it broke my calculator
I don't even want to touch a Titus game without wearing a pair of safety gloves. I can't BELIEVE my friend got this from his uncle! I would sue his uncle's fat @$$ if he ever did something like that to me. This is undoubtably the worst N64 game and among the top 10 worst games of all time. Avoid like the plague.

Chilling Footnote: Titus didn't go out of business after this game was released. They went on to produce some sort of chess game for the Game Boy Advance. Oh, so now they have to pee on my all-time favorite board game? I'll get them for this.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 05/19/03, Updated 05/19/03