Superman

"I'm even stronger than this Superman! He's weak. So is this game!"

-Superman 64-

Core Rating: 1/10

Well sonny, let me begin by telling you a story. Once there was a little boy who knew nothing of the art of video games. He didn't know anything about graphics, good gameplay, or any of that complex stuff. Ahhh, yes. Those were the days when all you wanted were platformers based on some of your favorite characters.

Sonny, this boy made a bad choice. He went to rent a game and when he could have gotten something decent, uplifting, and entertaining, he chose the God-forsaken game more commonly known as Superman 64 (Note: And in the words of the writer of the review titled, ''Supermean'', ''This game is known by several names. Superman, Supermean, and the suckiest suck that ever sucked''). Well, this boy played the game as soon as he got home, excited already by the unusually colored ''Red Cartridge''.

As he began to play, he was appalled! The beloved comic-book hero, Superman, was reduced to a flying block who died in two stinken' hits from a common thief. The cars were basically gray blocks. Superman's seemingly impossible goal was to fly through rings. That boy was me and that was the day I figured out the answer to that infamous question, ''What is your greatest fear?'' I guess you could say I have TidusSupermanaphobia.

Okay, well, that's my story in a nutshell. Yes, this game is bad but I am about to tell you why exactly it is as bad as it is.

In the last few months, I have had this, maybe morbid fascination with bad games. I've searched high and low for bad games, mainly on the Nintendo 64, some I have played and others I wouldn't lay a finger on. I've come up with some but given reviews, the only game that beats out this game for the ''Worst Game Ever'' (a very debatable topic indeed) is the infamous E.T. which we all know from the pit dug in New Mexico to bury almost all copies of this game (yes, the rumors ARE true). Now, I am going to break this game down into several sections, going into further detail the dastardly traits of this accursed game.

Graphics- 1/10

Sometimes, graphics have saved my opinion on a game. Sometimes, graphics have completely killed my opinion on a game. In Superman 64, the latter was true.

As I've told you before, Superman is absolutely nothing! In fact, for Nintendo 64 graphics (I think this game was even run on an expansion pack!) this is the equivalent of the original Pong graphics on an Xbox game such as Halo (to put things in perspective). I've built some lego models that looked more realistic than Superman, or any characters in this game. What I will say is funny is watching him slam up against a wall and get smeared on it. If the game has any redeeming quality, that's it right there.

Now, being the young gamer I was, I must not have picked up on this but apparently there is a green fog-like substance (maybe it was the real Superman farting on this game) that the maker's called ''Kryptonite Fog'' which was obviously a coy gimmick to covor up for the bad building design, which it doesn't accomplish.

The buildings look like something a 4 year old drew while waiting for a lecture to end. There are so bad, I could make a better design on paint. They are also cluttered together, not to mention the ''Kryptonite Fog'' that I mentioned before.

So, the graphics are horrible, easily some of the worst I've seen given the resources.

Gameplay- 0/10

Gameplay? Huh? Oh yeah, there was some gameplay... ... ... I think.

Well, there is a fight system to say the least. Too bad you don't really get to use it because you're too busy flying through rings (what’s up with that? Since when does the Man of Steel (spelt Steal) fly through rings?). However, when you ''have to fight'' the human thieves kill you with two shots from a bullet. Apparently Tidus overlooked that Superman's ONLY WEAKNESS IS KRYPTONITE (which apparently they noted in the wrong place: see Kryptonite Fog)!

Gameplay in a nutshell is just what I gave it. A BIG FAT ZERO!!!

Story- -Infinity/10

There IS NO STORY! No joke. No story at all except for what I think was Superman NEGOTIATING with Lex Luthor to get back Lois Lane. To do this he flies through rings (I haven't touched a hola hoop since) TRIES to fight bad guys (pppffhhtt. You wish Tidus), and disarm bombs, which did I mention is almost impossible.

Now, if you consider that story, I suggest you check out FF7, FF8, Kingdom Hearts, or even that mindless killing fest Aliens Versus Predator 2. You won't find any here.

Breakdown:

The Good-
Nothing except seeing ''Superman'' crammed up on the side of a building. O, and it catches fire easily (with a little oil of course).

The Bad-
Everything about the game is from the abyss. In other words, it's all bad!

The Ugly-
The fact that Superman's cape flies up in the air when he ''flies''. OoO, It's taken years to get over that!

Only buy this game if you...

A) Collect bad games (which I am thinking about doing)
B) Need something that catches fire easily for your funeral pyre. You'll want to die after playing this game.
C) Have disregarded everything I have said.

Other than that, avoid this game like you would a rabid animal. Because I am still not sure if this game IS rabid. I sincerely hope you took my advice. Now, the rest is up to you.

As I close this, I leave you with two choices...

1. You can not take my word as fact, go out and buy this game, and be scarred for part of your gaming life.

2. Take my advice, leave this game alone, think how fortunate you are that you took my advice, and vote ''Yes'' on if you found this review helpful.

I trust you to make the right choice. :)

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 01/07/04