Action 52

"The game so bad I took it for my username..."

This is the worst cartridge ever released for the NES if you ask me. A bold claim, to be sure. Heroes of the Lance, Deadly Towers, and Hydlide haters will disagree on this one. But something about Action 52 always stood out. I mean, a lot of games are really bad, but to make 52 separate games, all of them terrible... it almost seems they had be bad on purpose.

It's almost worth playing just for laughs. My friend and I got a few chuckles out of it when I first rented it. Still, do not buy this game by any means unless you're a collector. This game is actually valuable because it's so rare, but it sure as hell ain't worth shelling out the cash for the gameplay's sake.. But if you download the rom it should be good for a few laughs. The main title screen--which incidentally seems to have had more work put into it than all the other games put together--still puts me in stitches. It has this cheesy opening music with weird digitized vocals that I swear sound like Michael Jackson.

Perhaps what's so intriguing is its origins. Apparently Active Enterprises (the ''company'' that made the cart) was just this one guy operating out of Florida or something. Apparently he managed to scam some people into investing in ''Active Enterprises'' and pay to distribute this thing. Of course, the game itself is a pretty big scam. The asking price was $199.00--when you divide that by 52 it comes out to be less than 4 bucks a game. Probably they were hoping that people who knew nothing about games would get it as a gift for someone else, thinking they were giving countless hours of entertainment. I really do feel sorry for any unsuspecting mothers who were duped into buying this one, not to mention the kids who got it as a Christmas present.

But scam or no scam, I have to wonder at the mentality that actually put together this cart. It seems like whoever made it did think they were putting out something that people would enjoy. Awhile ago they had a booth at a consumer electronics show, and you can see the pamphlets they gave out to people on a web site, outlining all their future plans. Oh yes, Action 52 was just the BEGINNING. First off, the flyer tries to see Action Enterprises as patriotic or something, saying you should buy American, and includes some paranoid xenophobic talk insinuating that the Japanese dominance in the video game market will lead to them taking over our country. Or something, there's a lot cut out of the parts that get really disturbing. It definitely looks like someone censored it at the last moment, like a bit that suggests we should drop another bomb on them or something. Or maybe the psycho mastermind said something even scarier. Seriously, I wouldn't put it past him.

They had a sequel to the ''Cheetahmen'' game, and some action figures in the works. Huh. You'd figure with all those future plans in the works they would have FINISHED THE DAMN GAME on the original cart, wouldn't you? Not this fruit cake.

But the kicker is their ''portable'' game system that would play all genesis or SNES games (plus the old Nintendo I think). Basically the state of the art systems at the time. They had an ''artist's rendition.'' The ''portable'' system was the size of a microwave, not to mention hideously ugly. And there was no way even something that big could feasibly have held the processors necessary for such a system, plus a screen. And the amount of money and resources this would require! I don't think he had any way of doing more than glue a Genesis, SNES, and Nintendo to a portable TV. Maybe that was actually his ''prototype''.

But Active Enterprises disappeared soon after Action 52 came out. I haven't been able to find info about what happened to the people (or the one guy) involved. Maybe he was committed. I mean, if I were a psychologist 3 seconds of Meong or Time Warp tickers would be enough for me to certify this guy a grade ''n'' psychopath. I mean... Jesus.

Well, back to the game. Unlike many carts that advertise many games but just have slightly different versions of one or two, this actually does have 52 different games. Although it's kind of a stretch to call them ''games.'' Many of them just seem like half-finished graphics or game engine experiments. Some are barely playable--in one shooter, you have to hold down the left directional pad as you start the game, or else you'll crash into a wall.

I still can't believe all 52 could be so awful! I remember back when I first rented the cart. It had me suspicious from the start--when a game's box doesn't have any actual screen shots from the game, that's a bad sign. The numerous spelling and grammar mistakes tipped me off too. But morbid curiosity drove me to rent it--and while I was expecting some bad games, I was completely unprepared for what was on the cartridge. I even went through and tried every game, just to see if there wasn't one decent game. I couldn't believe it! Most of them were barely playable (one game, ''Alfredo,'' wouldn't even load), and all of them had lousy graphics and controls.

And oh God, the overall presentation is so shoddy. Everything about this game tells you what a piece of crap it is. The box and instruction manual have lots of spelling and syntax errors. And as I mentioned, the box has no screen shots from the cart, just some artwork of characters from the games--but they're so ugly, it's barely an improvement. The menu to select a game is an ugly, plain-text menu. A lot of the games are spelled wrong, and sometimes the name that's displayed on the game's title screen is completely different from the one on the menu.

Not to mention how bizarre the games get. I mean, there are some very odd Nintendo games out there, but at least they can use cultural differences to explain them. I used to think the big smiling poo from Milon's Secret Castle was seriously screwed up, but after seeing Japanese television I now realize it's pretty sane compared to some of the stuff that country produces. But look at Meong--a game in which you move this little ''A'' with squiggly lines under it until it explodes, and for the life of me I can't figure out what makes ou explode. And Dam Busters--a game where you play this little bear (or maybe it's a cat) running around shooting other bears/cats without seeing a single dam anywhere. The only possible explanation is that the programmer was a nut job.

The same goes for all the spelling, grammar, and syntax errors. If words are spelled wrong and make no sense, you can't blame that on him not knowing English. That was a native speaker who titled his game ''Ninja Asault.'' And anyone who finished second grade should have been too ashamed to publish that instruction manual.

Sometimes the cartridge gets so bad I can't do anything but pity whoever made it. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable, like watching a paraplegic kid trying to dress himself. Only the creator of this cart is even more pathetic. I mean, come on, a knockoff of Jaws? Didn't the guy know how much people hated the original game? ''Haunted Halls'' (''Haunted Hill'' on the main screen) has a heroine transparently designed for sex appeal, as if having a big-bosomed character in skimpy clothes would actually make people want to play that piece of garbage. ''Storm Over the Desert'' was an attempt to capitalize on a recent war (I bet you can't figure out which one); you fight soldiers, tanks, and of course giant Saddam Husseins. I don't even know where to begin on ''Time Warp Tickers.'' Let's just say you play as 2 walking fingers, and when you die you don't fall or explode or even disappear--you turn into the word ''TIME?'' And ''Cheetah Men,'' which is supposed to be the climax of the cartridge, where you play the ''Cheetah Men'' and fight enemies from all other 52 games. Except it's not even finished! I played through just because I wanted to see the ending of one game, but the further I got, the more half-finished it seems. In level 5, the enemy placement makes absolutely no sense--not a single enemy is aligned so you can hit it with your crossbow. So after I finally manage to make it through (never would've happened without real-time save states), the next level is just a room with a 1-up. The level after that is just a grey screen with some graphical junk on it and screwy palettes (your Cheetahman is bright green). He lands on some of the graphical junk and when you take a step he falls to his death. As if I didn't hate this guy enough?!

Did he actually think people would be impressed by this half-assed mess? That they'd go, ''awesome!'' as the Cheetahmen used their 2 frames of animation to fight the ugly robots and creatures from the other crappy games? And was he sewing a quilt out of human skin at the time?

Should I even bother breaking this review down into graphics, sound, gameplay, etc.? They all suck. The graphics are nausea-inducing at best. The sound effects make me yearn for the days of Colecovision. The gameplay is like a long, sensuous french kiss from a bearded lady. But you could say that about a lot of games. Somehow, Action 52 manages to transcend all the other crappy gaming experiences I've had and reach the level of uber-crappiness. The whole is worse than the sum of its parts, my friends. I think that the traditional review could never show how far below all others Action 52 is, so I will do this review in haiku form. That's right, 52 haiku about Action 52:

Fire Breathers:
Fiery lizard once proud
Poor programming, humbled lizard
Bad controls frustrate

Star Evil (Spelled ''STAREVIL'' on the menu):
Crashing ship, parts fly
Blast of fiery ship debris
But I just pressed start

Illuminator:
Silly dippy man
Lights on lights out man dies
Game without a point

G-Force Fighter:
Another shooter
Man who made this can't tell
G-Force from G-Spot

Ooze:
Green palette green hair
Green slime green floor green monsters
Green my vomit

Silver Sword:
Tries my patience
No end to crappy crappy games
Dew drops sparkling

Critical Bypass:
Curse the short haiku
Inadequate to show my hate
Of Critical Bypass

Jupiter Scope:
Meteors falling
Don't think this is Jupiter
My ship exploding

Alfredo:
Can't get game to load
Oh thank you Jesus for that
So long Alfredo

Operation Full Moon:
One more shooter
Oh boy oh boy I love it
Yeah right it sucks

Dam Busters:
No dam no busting
Just a silly cat or bear
I not have happy

Thrusters:
Another shooter
Please help me God in heaven
Just make it stop

Haunted Hill:
Big-pixelled bosom
Almost as erotic as
Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em

Chill Out:
Nun or Eskimo
Unanswerable question
But I know Chill Out sucks

Sharks:
Like Jaws but worse
No, you didn't read that wrong
Like Jaws but WORSE

Megalonia:
Another shooter
Good 'cuz there sure ain't enough
On this lame-ass cart

French Baker:
Maybe the French suck but
Even they don't deserve to be in
Action 52

Atmos Quake:
First 6 shooters
All sucked--maybe this one's better
Ha ha ha ha ha

Meong
If I smoked crack
Then huffed paint fumes still I'd say
Meong is ****ed up

Space Dreams
Pacifier soars
Teddy bears and dolls falling
I'm not in space either

Streemerz
Combination:
Clowns and Action 52
Proof there is no God

Spread Fire
Don't know what I am
Don't know what I'm shooting at
Don't care either

Bubblegum Rosy (Rossie)
Two different spellings
Should I say the game is
Crappy or crappie

Micromike
God it never ends
Never shot heroin but this
Makes me want to try

Underground
Squares rolling at me
Why do I die so quickly
A dog barks

Rocket Jockey
Rocket Jockey, or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying
And Love the Bomb

Nonhuman
Non-fun, Non-worthwhile
Non-good, Non-believable
Non-playable

Crybaby
Baby crawling
Robbers shooting, milk squirting
ME crying

Slashers
Funny name, slashers
That's what it's inspiring me
To do to my wrists

Crazy shuffle
Kind of sounds like
''Curly shuffle,'' that's good
But this game is bad

Fuzz Power
Big hairball rolling
Don't let the dryers get you
Big bald guy dying

Shooting Gallery
Oh God so boring
Just a bunch of ducks running
Around like idiots

Lollipop
Don't mess with me
I gots a giant lollipop
I'll whack you with it

Evil Empire
Crap crap crap crap crap
Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap
Crap crap crap crap crap

Sombrero
Shameless A 52
Mexican stereotype now
A part of me dies

Storm Over the Desert
Tank crosses battlefield
Huge waddling Sadaam Hussein
Happy cherry blossoms

Mash Man
Really big feet
What else can I say? Oh yeah
Really crappy game

They Came...
They came and I left
Oh man this game really sucks
Yeah, what else is new

Lazer League
shootshootshootshootshoot
shootshootshootshootshootshootshoot
shootshootshootshootshoot

Billy Bob
Oh, Indiana Jones
Another childhood memory
Ruined forever

City of Doom
Climbing the building
Bowling balls falling
A gentle rain falls

Bits and Pieces
Zombie man in graveyard
Wolf man lizard man jump over
Makes no ****ing sense

Beeps and Blips
Picked up 50 1-ups
So how come my game's over
When I die two times

Manchester
If he were dead now
Billie Idol would be
Rolling in his grave

Boss
You play as Boss Hog
Yeah right, I wish! Really you're just
Some dumb gator

Dedant
Like Space Invaders
But with ants! It's even lamer
Than it sounds, trust me

Hambo
You are a pig
And this game is called Hambo
Sweet merciful Christ

Time warp tickers
Two fingers walking
Insanity, what happen
Time?

Jigsaw
Fell in the hole
One block high but still I'm stuck
Don't think I'll play again.

Ninja Asault
The ninja asault
He strike in broad daylight
True ninja this is

Robbie the Robot
This game sucks too
But I don't give a flying ****
I'm almost finished

Cheetah Men
Last game on cartridge
Bile rises, final torture
**** you Cheetah Man

Action 52 is a phenomenally bad game. But you can get a certain amount of enjoyment from playing it, and if you like to laugh at poorly made games you will love this one. Plan 9 from Outer Space for the NES, if you will. Oh man. I still can't believe this game was actually made.

Playing it is almost like a zen koan (koen? I always forget). How can 52 games all be so awful? It's way harder than the one hand clapping question, that's for sure. A lot of games may be worse than any of the games individually, but Action 52 shoves 52 of 'em in your face all at once.

The whole is WORSE than the sum of its parts.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 07/12/01, Updated 07/12/01