Mario Bros.

"Kind of neat and fun but at the same time it's sort of weird and lame too."

OK right here I am going to try a super Mario Brothers review, not a Super Mario Brothers review there's like a few gazillion up on GameFAQs lol but a real super review that doesn't waste time with stuffy stuff like describing controls or likesuch. Well they are two different games don't you forget(or maybe don't you remember for you old skoolers,) not as different as SMB and duck hunt but way different enough, anyway don't confuse this with SMB. Anyway my older cousin was telling me how he got drunk after they finished a major project, it was lots of fun to talk about previous times they got drunk after big projects or at holiday parties. I guess that's a few years off for me(I got a good start moving up the corporal ladder fingering Fred from Arbys when I saw him steeling them arbys sauce packets, maybe I can be one of the poobahs that acquisiton the alcohol) but it's like I've always wanted to write about something, diaries are for hoes. Anyway I says to myself 'self what should I right about?' and then one day I trip over my broken NES, voila, the answer comes to me lickety-split. I saw the smashed Mario Brothers cartridge, I figure it is better than nothing and I might get on the internet if its posted(oops I am, your reading it now aren't you hahaha.) all's I can do is drag out my old NES and try to write, it may be my first effort so take it easy on me. In fact I think people need to take it easy in general but that's just me. So what is up with this game? Read on to find out!

Crabs and turtles and dragonflies, oh my! Well I guess you people out there some want to hear what you actually do in the game, those are the three monsters. You need to wait until they are right above you, then you jump up hit the platform and BOP THEM. That only stuns them, you never seem to have enough time to jump up and kick them off, the regenerated ones have renewed sense of purpose. It would make sense if you bopped them twice then they kicked the dust and bit the bucket, but nooo. Then later other animals appear, the turtles only require one hit but the crabs require two and look pissed if you hit them once. Monsters bounce of each other. Oh yeah I almost forgot the dragon flies that appear and jump up and down to move, you have to time things to hit them(I forgot them because usually I don't get that far in the game, once I got to a scene where there are these little machines that come out and put ice all over one of the platforms unless you have ESP and know where they'll show up to bop them in advance.) Usually I can make it to the bonus round where you can pick up a bunch of gold coins but you only gave twenty seconds to do it in. You can team up in two player mode but then its too easy. That just irks me man. Oh and I forgot to mention the main point, monsters turn up lots madder and faster if you don't kick them soon enough and it's hard to get there because you can't just stop and turn like in most simple ancient games. Oh no the thing they put in complex was Mario skidding around and it's even worse when the ledges turn into ice chunks. The last monster on the board goes extra fast and if you lose a guy you get dropped from a platform at the top of the screen. There are also fireballs that come out of the pipes at the top, they take the same path as monsters but you can't do anything about them except jump over them or maybe run off the screen, that kicks you to the other side. Then there's one other thing, you have a huge POW box in the bottom center, hit it and it has the effect of BOPPING every monster on the screen from below. Does it also wipe out the fireballs, I forget?

Still the important thing to remember is it does all this weird stuff to you with momentum and stuff(I wanted a simple stupid game, not a physics class bub) but the background is dippy and so are the monsters and you can't even go exploring in the pipes like in SMB.

WTF??!!??!! lol

Replayability: 3/10. well yes and no, sort of.

Gameplay: iffy. 4/10

Sound: 2/10 well recently I rolled up my sleeves downloaded a bunch of files then played it on an emulator, I didn't hear any but what I remember from when my NES wasn't broke, it was cheesy, not like the fresh beats bumping on B-96.

Story: 4/10 you grab a bunch of gold coins, beat up a bunch of monsters, there are a few bonus rounds where you just grab gold coins. Typical I suppose.

Graphics: 5/10 this is the shining point but really more like a flashlight that you have to bang to get a dim ray, of course you will want to smack this cartridge up, but give credit where credit is do. Still they're kind of dumb.

But anyway back to the review, as I was saying.

What also bugs me, is how there's this big platform you stand on that cuts you off if Mario got the magic mushrooms. Then you usually fall off of it so you can't get the big running jump for Mario to grab the flag and get the fireworks(the springboard you need to jump on it is even worst.) Oh wait that's SMB, look I told you not to confuse them, shows it can be tough lol.

Non-sequitur: Nintendo has done it again, but HOW does Nintendo DO it??!! Deep huh.

Well there you have it, I guess the original is a classic, sort of like your English teachers, they give you stuff to read and call it classics and it's not as bad as watching PBS or C-SPan but it's still really kinda crappy. It's even worse than how mom used to make keesh for dinner then claim how good and soffistacated it was. I mean the stuff is either too hard to figure out or its simple and dumb like old man and the sea, but it kind of inspired my tag line. It's not quite as fun hanging around and trying to talk Rastafarian at the mall(the game not writing) to show me and my crowd aren't spoiled(don't worry the mall's not too ritzy or posh) but when theres nothing on TV, and no DJ's smacking down the slammin' tunes on the radio, this game is okay. Sort of. Well I hope this review was liked and I even tried to inject social import in it.

Well there you go with my review, I know there are some mistakes but when I writed it I wanted to show what I feel. Plus I'm in the habit from always writing history and english papers at the last minute, my teachers always tell me they could improve lots with proofreading but if I did but didn't get an A then I'd feel like my potential was limited. And too much grammar is for stuffy people anyhow.

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@schultz gives the @schultz @ssessment!!!!

CHILLUN:
--kind of fun for a bit
--you can't lose a guy on the bonus rounds
--geez i wanna give this game credit but why sprain yourself?

ILLUN:
--sort of lame after a bit
--SMB was free with the NES, and this is a step back, what about progress and all in general? I suppose it is like wine coolers versus beer dude, once you've got the killer buzz from the second the first doesn't cut it.
--luigi was way cooler, he should be player 1, you never get a chance to choose him. I mean folks like him and the black spy in spy vs. spy get short shrift and a bum rap. Why god why?
--you skid around a ton, I mean this slopping and schlepping around would be better if you had a car that could at least run over things, but it isn't, so you don't

One line verdict: Suck it up bub, maybe if you want to pay more than two bucks for a game(thats what I got selling my games to Funcoland) you might get something decent.

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PEACE OUT

P.S. I know lots of people think 5 is average but where I goto school, 50(5/10) is an F. I almost gave this game 6 which is a D minus but it is just lame in ways i can't describe so I won't. Anybody who give an average game a 5, they need to set there sight's hire.

P.P.S. I need to give big shout out and mad props to Bob Boudelang, he inspired this review with great writing once a week, WOW how does HE do it, kicking the science with defiance?

P.P.P.S if you wonder why I'm bringing outside social stuff into games, I mean I can write a extra plenty short review that just talks about the game.Believe you me I can. But I wanted to show I'm not some loser who just sits in his room playing computer games, I mean some of you writing a hundred reviews or more, get a life. I think about things and am sensitive, must be why I don't get hot and fast chicks at my school. I also look to the future with social concerns, I am already cheesed off about taxes I'm going to have to pay once I get a real job, right now the Arbys manager pays me in cash(but quiet as kept) and they cant tax the allowance I get from moms and pops, that's family values for you. And I only secretively drop sandwiches on the floor if a customer disses one of my coworkers NEVER me. So don't even try to go there now.

P.P.P.P.S. Right before I was finally for the last time ready to send this review, the proctor dude at the computer lab showed me the sound toggle for the emulator, the sound sucks just as I though. And I wouldn't want to learn how to figure out that computer whiz stuff if it made me all scary(note I'm not biased saying he's scary looking, he wears el dorko clothes and glasses, also he talks and smells weird too) like him anyhow. He started raving about save states whatever they are but then I lied and said I just remembered I printed something out. Then again that other proctor dude, he plays Civilization all day, is dumb as a post and he's scary too. Maybe I better just avoid getting a job as a computer proctor.

Reviewer's Score: 5/10, Originally Posted: 03/30/02, Updated 03/30/02