Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Heroes of the Lance

"This game makes me want to punch the heroes and then bash them in the stomach with the lance"

Heroes of the lance is an Advanced Dungeons and Dragons game. I see why, too. Have you ever not been able to get through a doorway properly? Have trouble running? It should be called ''Special'' Dungeons and Dragons, for it's that stupid. HotL is the short bus of videogames. The only decent thing about HotL is that you can melt the plastic case and then use it to throw at innocent bystanders, which is always good fun. I have one question, though, what kind of company is named ''Pony Canyon''? What is this, a My Little Pony game?

Well, on second analysis, there might be some fun. I mean, you can always have races with your friends to see who can jump off a cliff with the eight party members first. Seeing who can manage to get through a door first is classic fun. Wait, I need to support my reasoning for a score of 1.

When HotL starts up, and you're enticed with the great D&D logo, fun should pursue, but it doesn't. Most D&D games at least make an honest effort to try and impress you. Hotl doesn't even try. When you enter the ''dungeon'' (pssh) you're just standing there, alone. You have seven other party members that just seem to fit in your pocket. They remind me of a bunch of wasted college kids on Halloween that got lost. They can't attack, and when they try, it's funny. Pressing a button will cause them to take a KNIFE/STAFF/AXE!!!! and stab bluntly at the enemy. Take a breather.......

Continuing, the monsters that you stab at don't deserve to live anyway. They're just green/brown/red or multi-colored, Neanderthal-like, fools that stumble around. You can't quite kill them either since when you press the button to attack it doesn't work half the time. You might get some diversity and get little dwarves that you can't even kill. I've taken every guy in my party and attacked these damn menaces and it just doesn't die. There are about three enemies per screen. Each screen is composed of at least two doors that can take over ten seconds to get through. So, by they time you get through one door, two party members should be dead. The difficulty level on HotL is way over the top. By room 4, all your characters will be dead from silly things. Things like: falling off a cliff, dying because you couldn't kill an enemy and had to run through him. Yes, reader, run through the enemy. Just drift through him like he was the wind. The killer wind that is, because, doing so will most likely kill the current character.

Besides all that ranting and whining I just did, you'd think I'd stop, but not by a long shot. I feel cheated in the way that you'd feel if you bought two-dozen eggs that were all broken. I felt even more so after I saw the graphics. They're all low detailed, blocky models. Rocks that fall from the ceiling to attack you end up looking like a bunch of doughnuts that manifested from the middle of nowhere. The walls looks like they took a kindergartner, spun him around about 30 times, and gave him a crayon. There really isn't much more to the graphics, since there isn't really much to the game, such a shame.

If you want to feel even worse, turn up the music. It doesn't even change more than two times during the extent of the whole ''adventure''. The monsters can be summed up by saying that they sound like an old, constipated man. The music might get a prop for at least being somewhat catchy. One tune got stuck in my head for a good while. Good job TSR, you uprooted bad memories. Memories in which I tried to leave behind, but you made them haunt me: Bastards.

Most people would rather be soaked in acid rather than playing HotL ever again. You can even make a Reality TV show out of the game. Watch:

Goldmoon, Sturm, Riverwind, Tanis, Taddlehoff, Flint, Caramon, Raistlin. All these brave warriors are going to try and find the great Lance. How many will make it out alive? NONE!

Final Verdict:
Gameplay - 1
Control - 1
Graphics - 2 (only so I can try and boost the kindergartners self-esteem, making him think he did a good job)
Sound - 2

This is really the most pathetic game I've ever played. I went to Funcoland and demanded a rebate; they didn't give it to me. If I sound mad, it's because I am. If you ever see this game at a shop, buy it, and break it outside the store. Then you, my friend, are helping the world be a cleaner place for our future.

Reviewer's Score: 1/10, Originally Posted: 03/29/03, Updated 07/29/03