"Do not associate this with Castlevania! This is more of a farce than a game."

I sometimes think some games exist just so we can know what it's like when everything goes wrong. Some games are terrible no matter how much you play them and master them. 8 Eyes is one of those. Most people call this a cheap Castlevania clone, but it's so much worse than that! I was a big Castlevania fan when I first played this, and it was 2 player simultaneous so my friends could help me out. What could go wrong? Well, everything did.

Story; 1.
It's pretty much non existant. For some reason or another you have to defeat all of the prominent world figures/leaders/wisemen in their home land in their castle(or famous monument), and then sit down and eat supper(WHAT?) with them, then take their jewels(the 8 ''eyes'') so that you can open a gate in the 'House of Ruth,' wherever that is. Nothing makes any sense though, and everything is very stereotypical to the country(in Germany you fight a bunch of bad knights, India you fight subcreatures, Egypt the undead, Arabia(?) a bunch of violent swordfighters, and Africa a bunch of tribal savages and tropical birds, and as you can probably tell from 'Arabia' or 'Africa,' the levels don't even have to be real countries! Also, you get served by the people(or dead people) you've been killing and the endings(oh yes, endingS) are mind bogglingly stupid.

Graphics; 2.
Everything has a very repulsive look to it. Your character is sort of like a cross between a Belmont and one of the hunchback creatures you fight. The backgrounds seem to absorb your character in all of their horrible design and wacky color(pink mansions, slate gray castles, even a plethora of obviously Castlevania inspired Venus de Milo statuettes in Italy). The bosses are all giants who move around the screen very fast with little or even no animation. The enemies look like they grew up in Chernoble.

Gameplay; 0.
Can I give it a zero? Yes, it the gameplay exists, but everything is so horrible that it actually makes anything that they put in meaningless! You have a pet bird that can fly around the screen and attack enemies and more importantly, switch levers. This doesn't seem to serve any purpose except to make you have to switch levers. Your weapons are all designed to make you inferior to anything you come across. Your dagger(more like letter opener) is barely longer than your arm. Most of your enemies come at you with swords swinging, and some have even longer reach weapons, so you have to get in grappling distance to hurt them, and then you don't hurt them very much(sometimes not at all!). Your special weapons are equally worthless(most have no effect at all), but sometimes you need them to get past that one annoying random enemy who's in your way. Also, the bosses are VERY hard because your character is so very weak. Winning the game doesn't even cause you to be a good player, just someone who knows exactly what you're supposed to do and how to do it and with all the time in the world. I'll get to that in a second.

Sounds; 4.
There are a lot of different songs, and a few decent moments, but there are a lot of terrible ones too. The sound effects are dull and don't sound like anything. I think they spent more time making the songs than anything else though, since there are three for each level, with an outdoor song for the first 5 seconds of play.

Challenge/Fun; 0
The game isn't just hard, it's ridiculous to try and play! The bosses are all better than you, and the last stage is what else? All of the bosses in a row! Once you've beaten all of the giant superhard bosses you are put in a test of ''logic'' as the game calls it. In other words you have to put the 8 different colored stones in their corresponding 8 slots by trial and error, or in 8 Eyes language: ''Logic.'' What do I mean? Just ask the ending! Your reward for beating this game is a bunch of insanity from a little red demon thing with a cross on it's forehead(what's going on here?). Then, you play a HARDER version of the game! Wha? You mean the game gets harder? Yes, somehow it's harder now. Beat it a second time and you get some more nonsense and then you get to play it again! The third ending actually says that it's strange for you to actually be reading it. There's absolutely nothing fun about this game, unless you just want to laugh at it with your friends.

Reviewer's Score: 2/10, Originally Posted: 10/13/03